Page 2 | Husband lost his temper and bruised our child's arm

Babibel · 2024-04-02T20:09:54+00:00

It's not the first time. It's the 4-5th times over 4 years. Our child can go very far when he is hungry or misunderstood. He kicked his dad in the bus, spat, said bad words. I advised his dad to try to talk about something my son likes, or change seat, or stand next to him, etc...Instead husband sat like a stone, being kicked and he ended up grabbing him very hard to the point that my son has bruises on his little arms. I can understand grabbing, I can not understand squeezing this hard. I was not there, I just saw the results when they came home. He loves his son but, this happens. (Me, I am abused mentally, but that's another topic). Thoughts?

chillywaters · 02/04/2024 21:41

I voted YABU only because it sounds like you are tolerating this terrible abuse of your son, and of yourself as well. Agree with other posters that your son is acting this way as a result of the abuse he is receiving and from being in a terrible home environment. It is tough but please try to gather the strength to leave.

Mummame2222 · 02/04/2024 21:42

Well it’s no great mystery where your son gets his temper from is it? When are you leaving?

Saymyname28 · 02/04/2024 21:42

Call the police. Show them the bruises.

Your son has anger issues becuase he's being raised by a man with anger issues.

Original poster

Babibel · 02/04/2024 21:42

existentialpain · 02/04/2024 21:40

It is a common argument that the dc love the abusive parent so the other parent doesn't want to break up the family and hurt them...

Children are hard wired to love their parents for their survival. It doesn't mean they are not damaged by witnessing abuse in the household because they very much are. They would be far happier and healthier being raised by a independent single parent than by two parents in an abusive dynamic.

Failure to see this or take it in is sadly the reason so much abuse gets passed down to new generations.

I can only agree. I believe there has been abuse from his parents too. Mental abuse. Husband also mentioned his dad squeezing his leg so hard he bled (because he was kicking in his car seat when his dad was driving). My husband thinks his dad was right to do that.....

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/04/2024 21:46

Your poor son, im sorry OP got what you are going through but you have a duty of care to your son. No 6yr old behaves like this, and no 6 yr old deserves treatment like this. Get away and stop making excuses about when you can get home etc.

Bumblebeeinatree · 02/04/2024 21:48

The chid was aggressive, your H ignored it for a while then grabbed him causing a bruise. Not sure that is so bad if a child kicked and spat and swore at me I might grab them and accidentally cause a bruise. It doesn't sound like child abuse to me.

When did it get to the point that adults can be abused by children with no recourse.

nocoolnamesleft · 02/04/2024 22:09

Bumblebeeinatree · 02/04/2024 21:48

The chid was aggressive, your H ignored it for a while then grabbed him causing a bruise. Not sure that is so bad if a child kicked and spat and swore at me I might grab them and accidentally cause a bruise. It doesn't sound like child abuse to me.

When did it get to the point that adults can be abused by children with no recourse.

Edited

Bollocks. If this happened in the UK, I can absolutely tell you which one the police would be interested in, and it wouldn't the 6 year old having a meltdown. It takes a lot of force to bruise a child just by holding them.

Everywheretwice · 02/04/2024 22:09

My DH went through a biting stage when he was 6, was a terrible biter of friends, teachers, his mum...until after a nasty bite, she bit him back! He never did it again.

Not okay by today's rules but it worked...

However if there's a history of your DH hurting his son that's concerning!

BobbysSox · 02/04/2024 22:51

Some good advice already but just to add, make sure yours & your sons passport is somewhere safe where he can't find them.

BirthdayRainbow · 02/04/2024 23:19

He probably doesn't think his dad was right to do that to him but it is convenient to say so so he can justify abusing his son.

coffeeandcake91 · 02/04/2024 23:27

Is it your husband, emotionally abusing you?

Singleandproud · 02/04/2024 23:30

You need to regain some power, freelancing isn't working if you can't rely on it as an income either give it up or take a second job.

What would happen if you asserted boundaries on how he talks to you and made it clear you won't stand for it?

At the moment you are living in an abusive relationship, your child sees that, sees the modelled behaviour. His behaviour is communicating that things aren't right, he won't behave better in that environment, his behaviour will get worse. In a few short years he will be bigger than you and will start treating you as he has seen his father do. Your decisions now will impact all relationship he has in adulthood and how he treats his future partners.

What steps do you need to take to be independent? You need to work them out and start taking them, get yourself in a position to leave. I would never normally advocate just getting on a plane with a child but he is being abused by his dad. What laws are there in the country you are in. Can you just up sticks and move back home, and start afresh

KidsandKindness · 02/04/2024 23:42

From what you've said I think you're currently living in the UK, if that's right, then please, please OP, go to your doctor and tell them EVERYTHING that is going on. Tell them that you are being mentally abused, and that that abuse is now turning physical with your son. That you don't feel able to leave because you don't earn enough to be independent, and ask for their help. I feel sure that they will be able to put you in touch with the right people to help you through this, but please, whatever you do, don't make light of what is happening or of anything that has happened previously, be honest, it's the only way to get the help you need.

Other than that, how soon do you feel you would be able to get away to your home country, if you're looking at weeks, months or even years, rather than days, then you really NEED to take action NOW, as this situation is NOT going to go away on it's own. In years gone by, women had to put up with this sort of treatment in the UK, but not any more, and just because you're not from the UK, please don't think that no one will help you. Sending you a big hug, and wishing you the strength to do the right thing for you and most importantly your child, as he has no one else to advocate and protect him, just YOU!

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 02/04/2024 23:54

What country are you in now?
Where was your son born?

trippingthelightfantastic1 · 03/04/2024 00:08

I have one question: what are you waiting for?

Original poster

Babibel · 03/04/2024 09:05

Bumblebeeinatree · 02/04/2024 21:48

The chid was aggressive, your H ignored it for a while then grabbed him causing a bruise. Not sure that is so bad if a child kicked and spat and swore at me I might grab them and accidentally cause a bruise. It doesn't sound like child abuse to me.

When did it get to the point that adults can be abused by children with no recourse.

Edited

This is what H says: 'I was attacked by my child'. He squeezed his arms so hard that it leaves marks, so it's not just grabbing and bruising by mistake. Also this happened 2-3 weeks ago so he knows the consequence of his hands on my son's arms.

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Original poster

Babibel · 03/04/2024 09:08

If there is no child abuse and this is just a mistake. I can confirm that there is emotional abuse on me. Every week I will hear that I am stupid or useless. He has has commented on my looks and all my personality traits. I am blamed for everything that goes wrong. So yes, our son gets to see this.

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Medschoolmum · 03/04/2024 09:08

He has hurt your child on 4 or 5 occasions, and you are still there?

Original poster

Babibel · 03/04/2024 09:11

trippingthelightfantastic1 · 03/04/2024 00:08

I have one question: what are you waiting for?

Edited

I want to be in my country. I am looking into moving this summer. I applied to a good school for my son. H came and visit the city and the school. But he is against it because he is worried what will happen in my country. Initially I wanted everyone to move there and to be able to regain power there. My conditions would be : no more belittling or I would go to the police for mental abuse. No more hurting physically on my son's arms. H would be forced to participate to chores (he doesn't)....etc

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Original poster

Babibel · 03/04/2024 09:13

Medschoolmum · 03/04/2024 09:08

He has hurt your child on 4 or 5 occasions, and you are still there?

We live in his country and I am too scared of consequences such as being stuck there. Social services could take my son. H could lie. Anything could happen. I am a weak foreigner. (even though I have loads of proofs).

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Original poster

Babibel · 03/04/2024 09:15

I am probably very attached to the 'nuclear family' image and always hope that things would get better.

OP posts:

LIZS · 03/04/2024 09:16

He already lies, to suit his narrative. Where are your boundaries and instinct to protect your dc? Go on a visit to your country and refuse to return. Can he legally stop you leaving? The longer you tolerate this the worse it will become and more difficult to leave.

DrunkenElephant · 03/04/2024 09:17

Your child is a victim of abuse just by living in an abusive home.
There is a pattern of behaviour where your husband is bruising your child, his response is not proportionate to the situation and is physically abusive.

Your child is likely deeply affected by his environment and is lashing out, if he does mention this to an adult and social services become involved you, as his mother, will be expected to protect your child and safeguard him from the risk of harm.

You need to leave, and quickly. Please call Women’s Aid, they will help you.

Shiningout · 03/04/2024 09:20

Bumblebeeinatree · 02/04/2024 21:48

The chid was aggressive, your H ignored it for a while then grabbed him causing a bruise. Not sure that is so bad if a child kicked and spat and swore at me I might grab them and accidentally cause a bruise. It doesn't sound like child abuse to me.

When did it get to the point that adults can be abused by children with no recourse.

Edited

And why exactly do you think this child is being so aggressive? Maybe because he's been hurt by his abusive father multiple times and also sees his father emotionally abusing the mum on the daily?? The fact people can't see this is crazy, the father is an abuser, the child is lashing out at that.

yellowsun · 03/04/2024 09:21

I am a school safeguarding lead. It is illegal to use physical chastisement against a child that leaves a mark. This is what your husband has done. It sounds like he is also abusive to you. You must take action now. Please look online at how to make a referral to social services in your area or speak to your child’s school after the holidays. They will not seek to remove him from your care if you engage with them and will recognise you are also suffering abuse. They will be able to support you in getting away from your husband.