I think I'm intrinsically unlikeable

[roobistea]

38f with very few close friends. My job requires me to be sociable and I am what I would call an "extroverted introvert", as in over the years I've learnt to be more confident and talkative than I really am.

When I look at myself in the cold light of day I can honestly say that I make a concerted effort to be curious and interested in other people. I ask about their lives and interests and remember the things they tell me. I'm excellent at keeping confidences and secrets and people always comment that I'm very non-judgemental and open minded. I know for a fact that I am kind and compassionate and very easygoing. I hate seeing people unhappy and am quick to try and reassure and comfort. Because I have to be so sociable at work I am good at making sure there are no awkward gaps in conversation.

But I am starting to realise that despite all this, very few people actually like me and the older I get the more I realise they seem to find me quite annoying or tedious. I'm starting to see it more clearly in the way they distance themselves from me, exclude me from invitations, reluctance to meet, little subtle eye-rolls or sighs etc.

I think I can be quite a serious person by nature and I realise now that my earnestness can come across as negativity. If someone needed cheering up or distracting in a silly, fun, upbeat way, I wouldn't be very good at this.

At the same time, because I like to keep a conversation going, I often speak thoughtlessly and say empty or clumsy things trying to fill the silence and it's only an hour later driving home that I'll re-live the conversation and realise that they might have interpreted what I said to be rude or over-familiar. I genuinely love helping people understand new topics, so when they ask a question about an area of expertise I think I tend to over-explain and come across as patronising. One of my worst habits is interrupting people when I'm excited about something they're talking about. I don't literally cut them off mid-sentence, but I am quick to get in there as soon as they've paused, and I wish I was a better listener.

I'm good at the superficial smalltalk, but I struggle to connect with people on a more genuine level.

Basically, I realise that despite all my best intentions I can come across as a bit obnoxious. I'm not very good at being "natural" with people. I know I try to hard to force a convivial atmosphere and I see it as my responsibility to make sure everyone is comfortable and having a nice time, but in doing so I think I manage to ensure the opposite.

One way to explain it is that I sometimes wonder if I show up to social events in the same serious-yet-bright-and-breezy way that one would show up to a job interview or meeting.

"Well just stop!" you must be thinking! Oh but I wish I could! These habits have become slowly ingrained in my personality over time and it makes me heartbroken to know that me just showing up the only way I seem to know how is enough to alienate people and make them dread spending time with me.

I really, really want to learn how to relax and be more authentic. I would love not to feel like i need to try as hard. I would love to be able to walk away from a social event without physically cringing and shuddering at all the faux-pas I've made.

Funnily enough when I was a little girl and really embracing my introverted nature, I was much quieter and kept to myself, but I had more true friends.

Can anyone recommend any tips and tricks they use when socialising, or ways of thinking that might help? Or even self-help books or videos I could try? Does anyone know where this kind of social difficulty might stem from or how I ended up like this?

I'm so embarrassed to be me. I'm so embarrassed to have gotten to this age without making any real connections. I don't think of any of the few friends I have would say they truly know me or seek me out to spend time with.

OP I think you're completely overthinking this and it sounds like anxiety rather than people not liking you. I think if you got some help with your anxiety, google vitaminds for nhs anxiety support, and work on that for a bit you'll feel much more happier with yourself and stop overplaying conversations so much.

I do have sympathy, I'm like this myself but it's anxiety. It's not people not liking you.

I'll be jumped on, I'm sure, but have you ever considered that you may be autistic?

Also, I think you need to consider just being you. It sounds like you have crafted a persona that doesn't reflect who you truly are, and people can detect that and it can make them uncomfortable.

As I'm getting older, I am less apologetic about who I am...the friends I have appreciate me. The people who don't get me can happily fade away.

One way to explain it is that I sometimes wonder if I show up to social events in the same serious-yet-bright-and-breezy way that one would show up to a job interview or meeting.

Weirdly I was thinking that you come across like you're describing yourself on a CV.

The only thing I could say is to just shut up and listen. Practise it as often as you can.

I could have written this word for word. I re-live conversations for days and could kick myself, even when I'm speaking my brain is shouting at me to stop talking...you don't need to fill the silence.
I know I'm an anxious person but not sure how to break the cycle. I just want to let you know that youre not alone

I agree with above post that it might be anxiety. Try to stop overthinking. You know you're a decent person who doesn't go out their way to be a cunt to others. You know you have good qualities to your personality. It's just that sometimes certain personality traits are favoured over others. Maybe it's that more open, loud personalities are easier to interact with than someone who is perhaps a little shy and awkward. It doesn't mean anything negative about you. In my opinion it's more fulfilling to have a smaller circle of meaningful relationships than have loads of casual friendships.

I think you have adopted a persona to be able to live in a world when being extroverted is celebrated. You’ve kept that persona so long that you have lost your true self. Maybe meditation or yoga would help?

I'm sure you're a lovely person. But Dear God, stop talking! Your post has multiple references to filling conversation gaps, speaking thoughtlessly, no awkward silences, bright and breezy etc. You said you taught yourself to appear extroverted. You now need to teach yourself that not every silence has to be filled.

Very hard to pinpoint what turns people off. I see plenty of people who have terrible social skills but still have plenty of friends, even really horrible people.

Unfortunately (because it can become a vicious circle) people often pick up that someone is trying really, really hard to be liked and make the conversation go well, and it can be off putting. I agree with @KrisAkabusi - try and talk a bit less, and allow for some companionable silence. Especially if someone is an introvert, it can be difficult being around someone who never stops.

Not sure I agree with the anxiety angle. I mean, it could be called anxiety how she's analysing this in detail and worrying about it, but the things she describes make her sound refreshingly self-aware and not anxious - she's confident enough socially in many ways and in some situations arguably too confident when she's jumping in and over-explaining things enthusiastically. It's only later that she bethinks herself, but in the moment she's not anxious. I wouldn't say she's obnoxious either. We all have qualities that are less appealing especially as we get older and they can get more ingrained.

I often think of that saying that our weaknesses are our strengths overplayed. So OP, you sound knowledgeable, trustworthy, good at small talk and so on as you say, but as these get overplayed you can talk too much and not say a lot and not listen enough, plus the earnestness is the kind and trustworthy pushed too far. When you said that about keeping people's confidences etc., I did think obviously that's a laudable thing, but close friends are often good for a goss and it's not that you'd need to blab people's secrets, but if you're too holy in some ways, you don't get close to people. You have to give them your confidence, open up - not by educating them, but by revealing yourself and then they do likewise and the closeness grows.

I also wondered - what do you find fun? You don't sound like you have much fun but everyone has their lighter side and I wonder how you can show more of that, in what situation it might come out? Rather than this job interview side that people might appreciate professionally but not want in their spare time.

You can't change how you are and it's not going work to pretend to be what you're not, but you can definitely learn to listen more and get past the small talk. I'm the opposte, where I'm terrible at small talk but go very quickly to the deep stuff with people who respond to that. But I've learned how to do some small talk, literally by learning the lines and blagging my way through that to get into my comfort zone. Listening helps a lot because most people like being listened to. Hopefully you can work on that and start to feel more likeable. I'm sure you're not intrinsically unlikeable, but it's good that you're so self-aware that you've noted these things and are eager to do something to feel better.

Op someone above asked about autism and I have to admit my mind went to that too- you sound exactly like me (although I’m not hugely extroverted but I am if need be) and half my family has autism/adhd. I have never been assessed but everyone tells me I overthink situations involving other people and that most of the time they’re honestly just thinking about whatever is going on in their life, it honestly is probably nothing to do with you, you’d probably be surprised with how positive people probably are about you x

And you sound lovely btw

Worth thinking about why you need to fill gaps. Why does that have to be you - every tried giving the other person a chance to speak, or just share silence for a beat? Why do you think others would benefit from your expertise - much as you might enjoy telling people things, most people don’t like to be told.

You could benefit from going to counselling to talk with a non-judgemental person about what void/gap in yourself you’re attempting (and failing - hence your anxiety) to fill with your “bright and breezy” behaviour.

Same! I’ve started internally shouting at myself to stop ruminating on conversations, or if I’m alone saying stop. I probably look like a weirdo shouting stop and tapping my head in the car but it works. Luckily I have a shit memory so if I stop thinking I tend to forget the cringy thing. Could you try reframing being quiet as acting or experimenting with another personality? I don’t think you need to change though, you sound fab. I come across as a serious person too, no idea how to change that now

Aim for two things, enjoying yourself at work and listening well. With a bit of googling you can work out strategies for both these. It is possible to make small changes with focused effort, regardless if NT or ND.

You sound a lot like me and I am autistic...

It sounds like you are not comfortable being yourself around other people. They may sense you are trying too hard. Just relax and don’t try to overcompensate by constantly talking. I am quite introverted and don’t have the mental energy to be deeply interested in others, so people who seek a deeper connection are often disappointed in me. If you are genuinely interested in other people, you are already ahead of many of us and once you relax and be yourself, genuine connection will happen naturally.

Hello, my tribe! I have to make a conscious effort to shut up and not try to fill gaps. It's hard work!
My family were not socially competent, I learned to be the same as them. It took me the first 50 years of my life to get to semi competent. I ruminate over things I said/ did 40 years ago! My 2 closest only friends are similar, weirdos together! 😂

Yup, you have described me exactly. I'm autistic, have known this since I was about 10. I don't talk quite as much as you have described but I probably do talk to much for some people. It is extremely rare for anyone to seek out my company despite people often describing me as sweet and thoughtful and attentive.

I notice though that friendship are bizarre, many people seem to have friends they don't actually like. Others seem to have loads of friends and constant plans despite not being very good people themselves. Baffled.

I am like this and I think it’s related to autism and ADHD, along with low self esteem due to upbringing.

I have been working on accepting myself and loving and respecting myself as I am, it is my unique personality and I have a right to be myself just as much as anyone else.

The acceptance will come when you treat yourself as well as you can each day. Begin with swapping out the negative self talk for positive, praise yourself for what you did well that day instead. You will improve much faster if you are encouraging yourself instead of criticising.

If you had a 5 year old daughter, how would you treat her? Treat yourself just as kindly as that, lord knows it really sounds like you need some love right now.

It also really helped me to study listening skills, then practice practice practice! You’ll get there.

I really liked your post and I believe I would like you if I met you. You sound so kind and reflective, not mention very bright. It’s just about finding your own tribe who are similar and will appreciate your unique and wonderful qualities. I’m offering you a huge hug, it’s going to be okay. 💐

I'm sure you are a decent person but you sound like hard work.

Lots of questions can mean a very tiring one way experience for the person you are talking to, there needs to be a bit of backwards and forwards, if they tell you an anecdote then you need to exchange that with one of your own, not just ask more questions.

Keeping confidences is a decent thing to do but gossip is a way of building connections with people. Think of it as networking.

Finally, nobody wants to be lectured to about a topic by their friends, or even constantly have deep conversations, most people just want to have fun with them and a bit of a remove from their family life.

I think you sound lovely.

Agree with pp who asked what do you find fun? Could you do something creative? Walking? Gardening? What books do you love? Find inner ways to relate to yourself for authenticity and a true emotional response.

I always say this but a hatha yoga class and or meditation might help. You're not intrinsically unlikeable, you're on a journey to self discovery self acceptance and finding love for yourself.

Being around someone who talks too much can be exhausting. And being around someone who isn't comfortable with themself can also feel quite uncomfortable. So what you say you're picking up on may be accurate, especially as you say you're observing eye-rolls and sighs.

Focussing on doing some inner work to feel more comfortable with your authentic self could help. There's loads of options out there - for example you might find Shirzad Charmine and his Positive Intelligence programme useful as it helps you identify and adjust unconscious behaviours that are no longer serving you...

I’m Autistic/ADHD diagnosed as an adult. What I’ve found is that since I was diagnosed, learned to understand myself better, I mask less. I find I’m less ‘offensive’ ironically. I think it’s because when I masked, I seemed disingenuous? I also care less about what others think of me. My circle has shrunk but the people I have are amazing.