Why can’t I stop going back to my abusive ex

[Xmasvibes]

I feel like everyone hates me and they’re getting sick of me. I’m getting sick of my self, me and my ex have been together on and off for four years. Very very abusive psychically/mentally, he’s cheated on me serval times. He’s done the unthinkable to me, but I always go back. When we break up i go to my mums I start to feel strong again but he gets back in side of my head. I feel like Noone understands me at all, when I am with him at home I feel so alone. I wish I had people to speak to but I know everyone is sick of me. The relationship leaves me so stressed I have a constant horrible feeling in my chest, I can’t remember the last time I was actually happy. I don’t even eat anymore I’m slowly dying. I have broken up with him again but I don’t want to go back I really really don’t please someone help me with advice

My friend/neighbour is like you. After a year of listening to him/advising etc I've finally had to cut contact with him. You will find yourself with no-one left but your abuser if you carry on. You are actively participating in your own misery and destruction of family relationships and friendships. Make the choice to keep him out of your life and stick with it, delete and block all forms of contact and look elsewhere for the adrenaline rush that comes from his unpredictable and unstable behaviour.

I can understand where you are coming from, having initially kept seeing my exP when it wasn't serious and when i should have got away but didn't.
Make this time the last time you leave! You have identified and can acknowledge what he does and how wrong it all is, this is not something everyone can do, or it takes time to do that.
And the fact that you have is a real turning point.
You need to cut all contact with him, if he tries to harass you report him, again i know this is not easily done but it will help with the process you are going through.
Before anything you should speak to Women's Aid or one of the other Domestic Abuse people, who will increase your confidence to finally get away and stay away.
You will be able to talk things through and they can help with sorting out what happens from now.

Good luck and please stay strong in your decision that you can not continue in that life, you have acknowledged how miserable and unwell it is making you.

Small steps but it takes little changes to your thinking and actions and before you know it you can see yourself breaking away and not caring a less about that person.

Agreed.
I know of someone who is stuck and cuts their self off, thinks it's the right way to be, it's not.

Blimey, nothing like a bit of victim blaming. I'm sure that did the OP a whole load of good.

Come on, it’s not victim blaming.

If you don’t agree, what’s your advice?

But it’s true. The impact that relationships like these have on the wider family and friend group is hard - the mental effort of supporting time and time again, constantly worrying that tonight is the night that the police knock the door with bad news, financially supporting them to get away only for them to go back and many more

Sometimes people in this yo-yo situation need to realise this too, as hard as it is to hear

It isn't your fault, controlling and abusive relationships are exactly that, controlling! They make you think you have nobody else, wear away at your self esteem, you don't feel good enough or like you deserve better so you go back. It's also the fact it's familiar, and your brain is trapped in a cycle where it can't identify the "normal" any more. So don't necessarily believe that you have nobody and that people are fed up of you, that might not be the case.
Saying that, you have a chance now to take accountability and get yourself out for good. And it will be very hard but you sound like you can do it, because you sound like you don't want this life for yourself anymore. Search support groups, therapy, social groups, and commit every day to going forwards and not backwards. Block him on everything, and give yourself a date, for example 3 months, where you will not unblock him or make any contact. 3 months is doable and a great start, in the meantime make those new connections and work on yourself. After the first 3 months, do another 3 months, before you know it you'll have been free for a year. Give yourself a taste of a life outside of this cycle and I absolutely promise you will feel so much better, but you need to really work at it every day until it gets easier. You can do it! Don't give up! And whatever you do, do not believe him when he says it will be different, he's sorry, and that he will change - he is lying. Most importantly, do not let him convince you this is your fault, he is to blame, and there is definitely someone out there who will love you and treat you well, no matter what he might say.

You’re out. For how at least.

well done. That takes courage.

have you completed the freedom program? Really recommend as a way to help understand and break free of cycles of abuse . You can search for one in your area to meet people https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

sending you love + grit. There is breathing room + blue sky on the other side of this if you can find the guts to push through + fully escape xxx

Habit and the need to feel loved by someone you love even though they don't love you. Victims of abuse should run in the opposite direction, but somewhere in their psyche they believe the abuser will suddenly change.
They won't!!

Is it the familiarity that has a bizarre comfort?

Also the doing the same thing, hoping for a different outcome?

I do that with people, the more they are mean and upset me, the more i try and repeat hoping that it will be different this time, as for some reason that will then make me feel better, that they didnt mean it the 3rd 4th time, i will be in the clear and have no excuse to blame myself.. I don't know how to explain it well, but i know the feeling.

My advice is that there are nicer ways to say things. The OP was clearly distressed.

1. Write. Write how you're feeling at the moment. Write about the abuse. Write it down for yourself. Be as honest as you can. Read it when you feel he's trying to get into your head.

1. Distance yourself. Can you move away for a bit. May be take a job in a town where you have a relative he doesn't know. Change your everyday and take yourself far from his influence. I realise this one can be hard to do but could be the most effective way.

1. Read. Just pick up a few books from the library. Anything that will hold your attention. Throw yourself into different things - fiction, non-fiction. It's a great distraction but also helps put your life into perspective.

Block him off apps and phone, if you haven't. Avoid places where you could meet him.

Cut him off completely so he has no means to hoover you. Block his number, change your number, stay with friends or family and confide in said friend or family member about everything that he has done to you and instruct them not to open the door to him. You need full support, this is incredibly difficult to do alone. No matter how sick you think they are of you they will want to help. You not confiding in them is playing into his hands.