AIBU to go off sick before I am?

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

I think I'm close to burnout or a bit of a breakdown or something. My anxiety is getting worse and worse, I'm finding myself starting to detach from things, which is usually a sign it's getting really bad. I'm permanently exhausted and easily overwhelmed. My performance at work is suffering.

This has happened before, and I just kept going and going until eventually one morning in work I just couldn't function. I went to see my manager, burst in to tears, and ended up going off sick for 2 months.

I've had a block of therapy with a psychologist, which was really helpful. I've reflected and considered what triggers my anxiety, what I need to stay healthy etc. But it's very hard with young kids and a job (albeit part time) to actually do those things. My anxiety has been up and down a lot since I went off (1.5yrs ago now), and I've tried to keep working on it and putting strategies in place and things. But it's not working now, and I feel like I'm heading for the point of going off again.

I feel like a need a complete break to reset a bit, reflect a bit more on why I keep getting to this point, do some of the things I know will help (organise life, exercise, healthy eating and good routines), and mainly just rest. Rest my mind and body.

How do you get that break? I can't afford to use annual leave coz I need it all for the kids holidays. But I'm not sick, so is sick leave completely unethical?

I know we could all do with a break like this. But I really feel like I'm going to not be able to keep going without ending up sick anyway, and in worse shape mentally.

When was the last time you did something for yourself? And by yourself I mean something that was of no benefit to anyone else? How often do you take that time?

Just because to the outside you have an “easy” life that doesn’t necessarily make it easy. You are balancing being mum,wife and employee- in a challenging and draining environment. That is a lot to juggle! And I’m sure the cleaning and washing and cooking and shopping all do themselves too!!

You’re allowed to be burnt out and tbh I’m not surprised if you only use annual leave to look after the kids and never actually get any break for yourself!

Have you had a blood test recently?

Something as simple as a large vitamin deficiency can cause this sort of anxiety, brian fog & exhaustion.

I still think you should take leave but get a blood test too.

I had blood tests about 2 years ago, a couple of months before I ended up going off work last time, to rule out a physical cause because I felt so dreadful, and I also came down with shingles so doctors wanted to explore a bit more. All fine, apart from what ended up being a minor autoimmune issue, which only affects my skin. But maybe it's worth revisiting. Sometimes I wonder if my last pregnancy kicked my into perimenopause or something, coz I've not been the same since!

Thanks for your kind comments, @OurChristmasMiracle. I don't get much time for myself, but I do feel that's sort of what you signed up for as a parent in these early years. And I also thought all parents used all their annual leave for the school hols, coz there's so many of them. My eldest is only in his second year of school now, so last year was the first time I had to use my AL for the school hols, and it was a bit of a shock! But what else can you do?

Your post really resonates with me; at times while reading it felt like we’re living parallel lives. I think we’re in very similar professions and our day-to-day are strikingly similar!

I was going to write a whole bit etc. but all I think that matters right now, is your well-being. Take the time off. Sleep, eat, rest, have a bath, do the admin that’s keeping you up at night. Whatever it is, take the time you need. I bet if any of your colleagues came to you with this, you’d likely advise them to do the same without hesitation.

Give yourself the same grace you would to others. You deserve it! And if you need any further encouragement, remember how you care for yourself, serves as an example for the little ones around us on how to prioritise self-care.

Take care 💐

How much rest will you actually get when you go sick? Will you still be doing all the school runs, wife work and general mental load?

When you take sick leave because you're physically ill, you don't only take it when you have something life threatening, do you? You take it when it's making you feel too rough to work, so that you can rest and get better quicker.

Similarly, you don't have to wait until you're at crisis point before you're "ill enough" to take sick leave, just because it's mental health not physical health. If you feel like time off will help you get better, that's what sick leave is for, if you ask me...

I have the greatest sympathy and completely understand the need for a break but if you go off sick suddenly it will really affect clinical care of patients.

For everyone saying just take the time off I hope they all consider that when their NHS appointment is canceled or postponed for the nth time or are complaining about waiting lists and bad management.

Could you have an open and honest conversation with your manager and see if there is a solution that would help you but also mitigate problems with service delivery ? You then can also talk about how to prevent this building up in the future !

It sounds like you’re on a treadmill of life with no break. Work doesn’t sound like the root cause. You need to sort out some downtime in a normal day. Do you do anything nice just for you? Hobbies, exercise, anything fun?

Why did you have to advance search her? This is why I name change so much.

OP, take time off. You need and deserve to put yourself first. They’d replace you in an instant but to your family there is only one you. Don’t let yourself get worse. Even if you just give yourself a week, to see how you go

I’ve recently done exactly this. I took a week off sick because I could feel burn out coming and, having done the opposite and powered through several years ago, resulting in a breakdown and nearly a year out of work, I’m just not doing that to myself again.

For me, because I’ve caught it early this time, that week has completely sorted me out. I pretty much slept and watched TV the entire time - just a complete mind shutdown - and it worked. I feel ready to return and strong enough to put some boundaries and self care back into my routine. I had to step off the treadmill and rest my frazzled brain before I could think clearly enough to do that.

If you need it, do it.

I had a role that due to the amount of work which caused me lots of stress I came close to burnout. I arranged to change role, so didn't take sick leave. However it took me a couple of years to recover. Anything a bit stressful in my next role would spike anxiety. Even if nothing stressful was happening I'd get down days or a horrible feeling in the evening when I was relaxing and didn't have anything to distract me. I think I'm still a bit more anxious than I was when younger but now cope with work fine again (and have been promoted since) and haven't had any noticeable down days for a year or so I think. It takes time to retrain your brain not to overreact once the source of the stress is removed. So perhaps some of it is a hangover from last time, coupled with not having time for yourself. I work part time but don't have to do childcare on my day off which I really need as time to myself.

Thank you so much for all these thoughtful and considered comments, everyone. I don't know what I'm going to do, I can't think of the solution right now, but I'm going to have more of think about it all

Wow I am glad I have come across this thread!!

I am currently off work OP for the exact same reasons felt like I was about to snap so been off for 4 weeks to regroup I haven't been able to face going back (I have had stuff going on with my youngest) but I have never been off with this before but my god have I needed it!

I have been feeling guilty but tbh it was about to start impacting my job.

@Ihaveneedofwaternear I do feel that it's the mental load that sometimes us women take on what with work, children, general life admin sometimes it just gets too much that's how I've felt! I have felt that my head is constantly going and going about the next task!

How much other time have you had off since the 1.5 years you last went off?

YANBU
You need to allow yourself a rest so that you aren't ill. Adult life is very stressful nowadays. Look after yourself and don't feel guilty.

Honestly take the time now before it's too late. Im speaking from experience here going into my 4th month of sickness absence due to anxiety & panic disorder.

I knew it was coming and Im certain management knew it was coming but even when occupational health made suggestions that could have been carried out and would have made no impact on business as usual my line manager did everything in her power to make sure those suggestions & adjustments didn't happen and now here we are!

I'm still not recovered enough to go back as yet and honestly unsure when I will be.

Please look after your mental health it's so important and equally as important as your physical health.

OP I don't think there's always a 'cause' for anxiety or depression. Sometimes it's just chemical, and an illness like any other. Don't be so hard on yourself - calling yourself pathetic. I've had times when my life has been objectively perfect, but my brain chemicals were out of whack and I was on antidepressants (mainly for anxiety as they treat both). Citalopram absolutely transformed my life at this time. I felt exactly like me, just waking up on a good day every day.

@legalseagull I think that's probably what I need to accept. I've had anxiety in the past, but there were difficult things going on in life and it felt understandable. Now, everything is fine. The anxiety is what's causing the problem, and I just can't work out how to sort that out.

Thanks for sharing your stories, everyone. @williteverstopraining2024 what you describe is often how I feel as well. I hope you manage to find what makes you feel better soon.

@LSTMS30555 I'm sorry your management weren't supportive that must make things so much harder!

@countdowntonap I've not really had any other significant time off since last time. I think I had a day or maybe 2 when we all got a stomach bug. And I left early one afternoon because I had a migraine, but I might have worked those hours back, I can't remember. Would that affect your decision of how to manage this now? I don't want to be seen as a shirker, and I take @Hurukan's point about the impact on patient care as well.

Having palpitations this morning, think I'm thinking about all this too much!

This is what unpaid leave is for and it wouldn't be unreasonable at all to ask for it.

It would be v v unreasonable to expect the NHS to be paying your full salary while you have time off to work through longstanding problems (childhood trauma) that preceded the job.

your toddler will be going to school in september?

Yeah, I get that it's not their fault I can't cope with my life and the choices I made. I'm not sure if they can/will grant an unspecified period of unpaid leave while I get better, but I guess it's a good starting point to ask them

Yes, for his nursery year.

@brocollilover I think you might be trying to point out all the ways my life is easy, and I understand. I also recognise that I shouldn't feel this way, I have nothing to be this anxious about. I know lots of people have way more on their plate than I do. I'm very frustrated with myself for still struggling so much with this level of anxiety.

huh?

i think you’re in the wrong job. I don’t think your life is easy or hard. i don’t know you

but my point of asking was when he goes to school… you will have a day to yourself and that may help but i suspect you’ll see shadows in what i’m saying