Life is unbearably shit

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Posting here for traffic really or maybe it’s that I need a stern talking to. All I know is that I can’t snap myself out of this depression I’ve had for the best part of a year after my close friends betrayed me.

I did counselling for six months which helped but I can’t afford it now and I’ve quickly sunk back to a bad place. I’m completely overwhelmed by everything going on. I’m trying to renovate my house which I’m realising is too much for me on my own but I’m stuck as it won’t sell as it is but I’m so so fed up of living with the mess, expense and dealing with trades.

I’ve got no close friends although I’m hanging out more with SIL and her friends but they’re all a little older than me. I turned 40 recently and it’s triggered this feeling that time is running out and I want to live before it’s too late but I have few friends who are into the same things as me. I have one friend who is always out but since I lent her a small amount of money, she doesn’t bother with me anymore.

I’m unhappy at work but don’t know what else I could do and I’m unmotivated to start looking as my self esteem is battered at the moment. I don’t earn enough either. I volunteer but that brings its own stresses and I’m questioning if it’s worth it and a good use of my time.

My teen DDs are both struggling with ASD, school refusal, self harm. I spent Sunday evening in A&E as DD1 confessed she’d overdosed a couple of days before. Luckily she’s ok but I feel like I’m failing as a mum too. I’m completely alone with this as their dad doesn’t bother, not even CM.

Everything is shit. I’m sleeping a lot because I can’t face it all. I don’t want to go on antidepressants as they make me feel numb and I already feel like that. On the surface, it looks like things are going well for me but truthfully I’m drowning. How do I pull myself back from this please?

I think the only way is trying to make today a decent day. Shortening your horizons while you recover from a stressful time can be helpful.

What can you do to make things OK and safe for you and your children today?

I'd probably ditch the volunteering for now, and use that time to improve your home environment - pick one room and do what you can to make it better. Not perfect, just better.

With work, focus on minimising its impact on you, so don't waste emotional energy on it.

Maybe you just need some rest and recovery time.

I'll be working until the day I die.

Sorry that was meant for the retirement thread.

Personally I'd stop volunteering and focus on trying to make my own life a bit better.

Split the issues into all separate issues and start targeting the ones you can do something about. The first 2 for me here would be immediately resign from the volunteering, and then bit by bit sort the house so that you can move forward with that. You are right, time will run out so its how to find the motivation to get where you need to be 💐

I know how you feel. It's going to take tiny steps. And really going easy on yourself. Are you getting up and showered? Well done. Are you eating? Well done. All these seemingly small things deserve a pat on the back. Keep doing them, and keep looking into meds. And walking. I've fallen into the trap of staying inside (thanks COVID!) just keep taking the small steps. And taking whatever meds you might need.

I totally sympathise. I’ve got two girls with asd and it’s really really tough. What time are you getting for yourself? I would consider stopping the volunteering and using that time for you. Even if it’s doing nothing.

The house - could you get an agent in to see what it would be worth in its current state? That way you can weigh up options.

Are you claiming all the benefits you’re entitled to?

Do the girls have ehcps? Is the provision they’re in the right one? Do you have any charities locally that could sign post to counselling for the girls. We’ve been able to access 12 sessions with a local mental health charity. Are cahms involved?

You’re not failing. It is really tough. My youngest is 11 and has severe autism and learning difficulties and is incredibly challenging especially as she’s non speaking. I bet you’re doing everything you can and it takes it toll. Carer burnout is real.

Sorry things are so difficult for you OP .

The previous poster has some good recommendations. I second getting rid of the volunteering unless it's bringing you joy .

First thing I would go to your GP and ask for a full blood count , Ferritin , vitamin D and thyroid test. Often we blame ourselves when in reality our body is trying to communicate a problem . Fill in an online consultation form with all your issues and book a face to face appointment ( I find it easier when I have put my request in writing as I find the 10 minute face to face appointment can be too short and time is wasted on pleasantries).

I don't know if you have any nice parks or woods near you or even a garden but I find that spending more time (either sitting or walking g) in nature really lifts my spirits .

If you have a shower , try daily showers I find that they tend to be more invigorating than baths .

Can you up your meat consumption ? I found that getting protein rich food particularly red meat made me feel stronger and helped with my anaemia .

Once you feel better in yourself you will have more head space and energy to tackle the house and the job side of things .

Keep coming back to MN if you have to . People on this forum can be surprisingly supportive when it counts .

Hi just here to give a virtual hug. Re your DDs, teen years are hard. Possibly even worse at the moment - something like 1 in 5 kids are persistently absent, behind these stats I am sure there are many mental health issues including anorexia and self-harm, suicide attempts, etc. Although it just be so tough to hear and deal with, your DD confided in you about it - although hard to hear, she did talk to you, and you are able to help her. You’re doing a great job! Even though it feels like shit. We’ve also been through CAHMS, school refusal, illness, etc. it’s horrible and hard, but I am sure that things will get better as they get older, and they and their friends get through the hormonal storm of adolescence. I agree with pp - you can’t do everything so it’s time to knock the volunteering on the head for now and focus on doing something for yourself and getting through the house stuff. One room at a time. Write a to do list and gradually get though it for the room, cross things off as you do them and in a week or two you will see your progress. I know the house can feel like a massive and overwhelming to do list but you will get there! Also, it’s great that you have your sisters (? Sorry don’t want to check in case I lose what I’ve written!) friends - even if they’re a bit older, you can spend a bit of time in the company of adults and then in time develop new interests and friends.
You’re at a shit point in a difficult few years with teenagers. Things will get better, hang in there xx

And if you can find a spare 10-20 quid , it's really worth paying for some cleaning .
Even if it is the odd hour or two a week / fortnight/ month

Sounds really hard OP. Not just you going mad.

I can only recommend what works for me personally.

1. getting outside in daylight for a bit every single day without fail.
2. eating some plants. Any you like. Box of grapes and cherry tomatoes are my go to- no prep and can just snack as and when.
3. sleep 8-9 hours.
4. dont drink or take anything else.
5. Speak to close friends and family. Don’t isolate.
6. one cup of coffee per day. Drink water/ squash.
7. Chores wise- take the easy route (get a cleaner, do food shop online etc.)
8. no doom scrolling. Don’t watch heavy or depressing things on TV. Don’t watch the news. Comedies and « fluff » (like Bridgerton) only.
9. shower and clean clothes daily.
10. « coast » at work - do your tasks but don’t try and be the superstar.

Dull, and very hard to implement when depressed. But works well.

Thanks so much for the kind replies. I thought nobody would so it’s lifted my spirits knowing there are people out there who understand and willing to offer a virtual hug. Also for the good advice, I will try to implement some of these things over the next few days.

The volunteering thing is tricky as I run it and it will probably fall apart if I leave. On the one hand I get a lot from it but it’s also time/effort and dealing with people and their flakiness. I could scale back what we do so I’ll start there and see how I feel.

Thank you @DanielGault for reminding me that doing the basics is an achievement at times like this. I’m going through the motions and taking care of myself and the house but I do it with a constant heavy feeling and overwhelming anxiety. Nothing feels like progress, I’m just treading water or going one step forwards and two back.

I feel like it would make a massive difference if I could get the house finished. The living/dining room has been out of action since May last year and still nowhere near finished due to trades taking too long, finding trades and all the mistakes along the way. I’m currently on AL which was timed so I could paint and lay flooring but there’s still plastering and other things need doing first. Instead I’m wasting it sleeping and feeling paralysed and overwhelmed. I’m a home bod but being here just reminds me of how much I still have to do.

DD1 has an early college placement and is doing much better although it’s been a huge fight to get here. OTOH she’s been with her first boyfriend for 6 months and although he upsets her often, she’s adamant that she will not break up with him. They had a fall out which was the reason for the OD. I’m trying to get her a GP appointment as her hair is falling out so I’m really worried about her health. And now DD2 is school refusing and I’m being threatened by EW. Currently trying to sort that.

A big part of why I’m struggling is that I have no close friends since ditching my best friends and I’m still processing that loss due to the way they treated me. I’m finding it hard to trust people and miss having someone I can lean on. I’m estranged from DSis for the last few years who a short while ago outed me on a thread to kick me while I was down and my dad is often unsympathetic. My SIL is being brilliant and her friends but they’ve all known each other decades and I feel a bit like an outsider. I recently broke up with a casual/LD BF as I’m realising he doesn’t respect me or care about me but I miss his occasional help with things. I’m feeling very alone with everything so I appreciate being able to come on here when it’s all too much so thank you all.

You can get friends here chic! To get you through the gap anyway. Anytime. Life sucks from time to time, but it's temporary. Grab any help you can. PM me if you like. Don't be alone x

I think our living situation has a massive impact on MH OP. Is there anything you could do to make your living room acceptable for now? Or create a safe haven somewhere else eg your bedroom.

I’m not in a great place myself tbh - just about keeping the anxiety and depression at bay. The weather isn’t helping. Plus, this country is so overcrowded that it makes everything worse. I don’t go to yoga, for example, because I can’t face the traffic after work. And the estate I live on is suffocating. Developers squeeze as many little houses together as they can, and don’t give a shit about people’s quality of life. At night I’m often woken by the screeching and exploding of souped up cars. Everything is difficult and stressful because there are just too many people. There isn’t enough space and silence to calm down and recover.

Get into a routine of yoga, healthy eating, meditation and deep breathing (google the 4-7-8 breathing technique). And stay away from alcohol. I’m afraid there is no simple answer. I have to fight these crappy feelings every day. But you’re not alone, that’s for sure.