Don't know what to do and am I the bad one...

[Cannotbearsedanymore]

If you had a long term great relationship but husband became depressed and then got worst with bipolar and was having mood swings (would flip / have an outburst at least once a month). And it is starting to effect you mentally and effect your children what would you do...

He has seeked help previously, medication did not work and made him worst so he won't go back to try something else. He did talking therapies and a few other things and try's to do more exercise etc to keep his head clearer but nothing really works.

He hates the UK/weather/price rises and has spoke about emigrating (he thinks the grass is greener on the other side). I can't just up and leave, I have a long term health condition, I also look after my elderly parents, my terminally ill sibling and my children one of which has autism but yet he expects me to just up and leave.

He then says well at least move out of the area where we live. This is a safe town where we both grew up yes it's changed over the years but it has everything you need in a town and I am able to walk to all those places as due to my own ill health I am unable to drive so walking to all these places are essential so again it is not as easy as he thinks, he drives so doesn't think of all these things and how lucky enough we are to have them on our doorstep.

When he is really going on about it and then putting all the blame on me for not wanting to leave, I feel like just saying well go then.

Trouble is he is the main bread winner and has a high salary so pays most of the mortgage and bills.

Due to my health, I work part time, despite paying for all the food shopping, all clothes including for him, everything for our children and pay some household bills plus since having a very small pay rise I started paying towards the price increase on the mortgage, I barely have anything left at the end of each month but I can't ask for help from him as he would just go off on one and I want to keep the piece.

Sorry this is a long one, I know deep down it is not sensible or realistic to move but I think from him going on at me (shouting me down and going on and the constant digs) it is making me question myself and am I being unfair not giving in to him and moving away. Me and the kids are constantly on egg shells. I don't know what to do.

It sounds like you have an awful lot of caring duties and he is working hard as the main breadwinner and is really struggling. An autistic child, elderly parents and a terminally ill sister sounds super hard for both of you to cope with and it sounds like he actually can't cope. Not your fault but not really his either.

He sounds horrible and unsupportive

You have a lot on your plate and i can understand the urge to leave it all behind and start afresh somewhere new, but - if he has BPD and depression here, he will still have BPD and depression there. If you move, unwillingly, abroad in order to 'keep the peace' and find you still have many of your current problems, just in an unfamiliar landscape with no family or friends or work to fall back on, you will resent him for it. I honestly think his mental health and your relationship needs to be in a much better place for a significant move away to work, tbh

He needs to keep trying with the meds. It's totally selfish not to give all reasonable options a try. If he left, would you cope on your own (money issues aside). You're definitely right to insist you stay.

Where does he want to move to? I doubt it would actually happen with your health issues.Are you wealthy and could afford very expensive health care.Also your child with Sen how would that work? He is dreaming just continue to ask questions how this would work for you all.I would look at being a single parent.

You have so much on your plate including not being supported, being emotionally/financially treated very badly, by him.

His main bread winner status and BPD do not give him the right to make you worry about his response to your opinion on something as big as a house move. You are, or should be, an equal to him.

I have worked closely with a couple of men with BPD who were perfectly agreeable in the workplace (masking), but were also very open about some of their behaviour with their partners and it was abhorrent. They spoke about it as if it was normal, acceptable and not something where they had to change - one had banned all talk of Christmas or any celebration in his home. If medication/therapy doesn't work/he will no longer try then you need to made a brave decision.

No-one, including your kids, should live like this. You might need to reprioritise your other caring responsibilities, at least temporarily, for the sake of yourself and your children while you make a change.

Moving when your relationship isn’t strong is a disaster waiting to happen. He’s trying to run away, but he’ll take all his issues with him and you’ll be in a new place with no support network after going through one of the most stressful life events (moving). He won’t be supportive of anything you need and he’ll be demanding to try and make things work for him.

Don’t do it.

It does sound like you need to be at least planning for the break up of your marriage. I know that seems scary, but you clearly aren’t doing well together and the current situation must be awful for your kids. If you can get him to seek help again that would be good but in the meantime, go and talk to a solicitor and find out what the likely lie of the land would be. Then look at how you could increase your earning potential.

Wow thank you everyone.

To answer some of your questions...

If he left yes I think me and my children would be fine, but I have no savings, no house or anything.

We have a good relationship, he is a good Dad, we have been married for nearly 20yrs but it's not stale or boring, we are like best mates. BUT when he has these mood swings and flips and then shuts him self away for days he is a total pig but I know it's the depression and him feeling trapped (not being able to get away, however he doesn't want to go without me).

When I bring up - how would we cope with no family around and my health etc he was shocked at the cost of my meds in some countries but then looked and said some places have health care I think it was Canada / Australia these are the places he keeps saying about. He can't cope with the heat but the rain in the UK is making him depressed plus other things.

When ever I bring up things, it's always oh you've got an answer for everything always negative and shuts me down with the idea of it and you never want to talk about it, I try and try to talk but he is the one who gets angry shouts and then storms off. Then doesn't talk.

The emigrating I have said no it is not viable and so have the kids. He still goes on about it and we get digs all the time. Always on egg shells as never know when he is going to go off on one. I even dread it when these Australian programmes are on TV (seems to be a lot of them now a days) as it's oh is he going to flip as he thinks we could be there.

He just thinks everything will be better in another country cheaper houses / way of living and he will be able to retire one day. Where as here in the UK he feels he never will be able too and he said as soon as the mortgage is paid off (when he's 65) so me and the kids have a house/ security he is going to end it all as he can't afford to live but at least we will be ok. This is his constant threat of staying in the UK. He still says this even if we move somewhere else in the UK but again I am still being taken away from my family and kids schools/friends and medical centre, work etc.

Speaking with someone the other day who had a Bipolar partner and I was shocked and it made me look at my own situation. Which I never really thought of before. I don't really have any friends any more other than a quick hello passing or natter on fb. He doesn't like me doing my hobbies any more I always have to rush back home for when he's home and now wants to take me away from my family. It's like he is trying to isolate me but in a Suttle way. It's ok if he wants to go out on his motorbike for the day and do things but if I want to do something even for the morning and he has no plans he will be moping around and moaning and starts the digs etc.

To others he is like oh you can do this or you should spend more time with your friends or have a day out or something but this is just an act as no way can I do this and if I did he would have one of his moments. He always either needs me with him and do stuff together or unless the weather is nice and he can then go out and do something which is always good as it means me and the kids can have a day of doing our hobbies etc.

He also hates Christmas and other celebrations and if it wasn't for me we wouldn't have any of it. For the kids, I always make sure I get a Tree even to his disgust and buy presents for the kids and try and make it a happy time.

Exactly my view and others, his depression BP isn't going to go away from moving and without support / family around we will not be able to cope.

If he wants to move because he feels houses are cheaper has he even looked into the cost of living in Canada or Australia? Because it’s not cheaper than the U.K. cost of living has increased more than it has here.

it sounds like he’s unhappy and trying to desperately clutch as straws thinking that moving will somehow solve all his mental health issues. It won’t, if anything things will be worse because he’ll have less money, no support from family and still have the pre-existing mental health issues, just in a less familiar environment. Moving abroad would very likely be a disaster. He also clearly hasn’t looked into it properly as he seems to have no idea about how much prices have risen in those countries in recent years.

Agree to emigrate and let him do the research.

You won’t be going anywhere.

I work part time, despite paying for all the food shopping, all clothes including for him, everything for our children and pay some household bills plus since having a very small pay rise I started paying towards the price increase on the mortgage

So he's the higher earner and he's doing what with his money??

You're being financially abused by this miser and by moving, he seems to be desperate to isolate you from any support network

I have been in this scenario, although my OH was a bit older at the time and the children were at uni and secondary school. He suffered with depression, which he was reluctant to treat - although 2 years of meds helped him enormously, but he chose to go off them as they caused him some sexual problems.

He too had this dream that if we moved to France everything would be fine - a cheaper house which would provide a nest egg to make leaving work possible (in his dreams), a life of being on "holiday" etc. etc. - all pipe dreams born of desperation.

We got perilously close to doing it at one point until I backed away - he never forgave me for that, which made life very difficult indeed. But deep down I knew that he would simply take his problems with him, and that I would be obliged to deal with his misery with no support of friends and family - and that we would miss out on seeing our children and our grandchildren to come.

How glad I am that I did this, as within a few years he developed Parkinsons Disease and deteriorated mentally and physically - my friends and chidlren were around me to help me during those hellish years before he died. And are here now during my new solitary life.

Do not let him drag you int anything that you feel is not right for you and the children - you will regret it. You are not being cruel - you are being realistic, while he is not able to look at this rationally and objectively because of his mental illness. He is looking for a way out of his problems, but this is not it. I really feel for you in this situation as I have been in your position. Sending a hug and a dollop of fellow feeling.

Firstjy you need to tell him calmly without inciting an outburst. Maybe couples councilling?

Hes not unreasonable for wanting to move. Staying in my old home town made me incredibly depressed. I moved abroad and love my life now BUT you need to be on the same page. If im totally honest i wanted the move more and pushed it. My husband now would never return to the uk. He loves it so nahbe a compromise where you moved somewhere you both like would help

He does need help fir his mental health his refusal is selfish and potentially a deal breaker

Thank you for all your advice and comments.

He watches stuff on tv and they have better weather etc and he thinks it's all wonderful and then with everything going on in the UK and the weather he is starting to get really down again. He wanted to ride his motorbike to work today as it looked like it might be slightly drier but it is too windy and wet (when he was due to leave) so again here goes he starts to have a moan, saying he has had enough the weather is depressing and he's going to be working until he's dead and it's completely shit here etc, etc.

To answer a few questions...

His money mainly pays for the mortgage and big household bills although he always seems to have money to buy stuff for his motorbike / mountain bike and other things he wants / needs. Where I go over drawn each month as pay loads out too and don't earn as much he knows I don't have much money but may not know how bad it is but I can't say anything as he will just go mental and say it's because were in the UK you could be earning more and not pay out as much if we moved.

No he does not have a clue. He will not see how bad things are anywhere other than the UK. I have looked and mentioned a few things (expenses other places) but he will always try and find something somewhere better to prove me wrong or make it look better and cheaper elsewhere. Also when I try and prove a point I am just being negative as I don't want to go.

He has now started turning it, saying you obviously don't care as how are our children going to cope here in the uk, they will never be able to afford a house with the cost of living etc. And so puts a guilt trip on me and bringing the children in to it all the time. I know for a fact they are better and safer here with family around them. We/they get a lot of help from grandparents on both sides.

Counselling and other help and for his mental health. Despite us wanting different things (He wants to move and I don't) his constant digs, grumpy, depressions etc and bringing everyone down around him. Other than this we have a great relationship. So he would no way go for counselling as what's the point he feels everything is fine. He is not up for getting any help for his head as he said it is just depressing as we are here.

He doesn't understand it is a mental health thing that will go with him.

Agree with others posters but also - why are you paying for children on your own? He might have a higher salary but you're the one financially supporting your family.

Being around him sounds so draining. Unless he addresses better management of his mental health and stabilises, I'd not entertain any discussion about moving as he'd just be packing up his problems and moving them to Oz or wherever with no support network.

We have family who emigrated there for similar reasons to your DH and found it very tough financially, emotionally and medically because they never addressed the fundamental problems making them want to run away/grass will be greener and just took their problems in their suitcase with them. Sadly they split up 2 years later, Dcousin came back with the DC.

Relocating abroad won't fix his depression or lack of resilience, if anything it accentuates it once the novelty of moving has worn off and the reality of no local support network sets in.

Bipolar is very hard, nye on impossible, to manage when the medication isn't right.
He needs to talk to his doctors again and try again.

My brother has bipolar. Even on meds for many years, he has up and downs and the only way to negate the bad effects of this was for him to rent a separate 1 bed flat to his wife and family so he could retreat there when he wasn't coping - he was there 2-3 days a week or for a month sometimes. Jyust quietly trying to sort himself out. It gave his wife and kids respite and gave him time to return to doctor, try new meds.

I know this isn't possible for everyone but it is a solution that helped my brother and family for 15 years till the children were grown up.
He's much more stable now and a great dad.

Thank you so much. I told him I am definitely not moving and it is not fair on the kids up and rooting them to some where else. I explained we would have no family for support and financially it would not be viable and affording medication and the rest of it. It's not as if we have any money so it wouldn't be living a holiday as I believe this is what he thinks, it will be bloody hard. He said Bo**ocks and that I always have excuses.

He then said oh forget it, Then said the future for our kids will be worst than ours it will be a real struggle for them. I said no one knows what the future holds so maybe we shouldn't worry too much and what ever happens happens. The children can make there own minds up when they are older and can decide what they want and where they want to live and so on. We can only support them the best we can. Apparently I don't care about any of it or them for saying this and wanting to stay!

This annoyed me but I stayed calm and put on my brave pants and said look I love you but if I am making you unhappy obviously that's not what I want then if you want to go then go.

He then said he does not want to leave me or the kids.

The having another place sounds good but unfortunately is not viable. When he gets really bad he either shuts him self away normally in the bedroom out of the way so the kids don't see him. On occasions he has gone mental shouting and breaking up things, where he gets in such a rage he will go out for a walk to try and calm down, think, clear his head a bit. Although it scares me when he goes out as a couple of times he has done this and had suicidal thoughts, This is why it is always me trying to keep the piece so his rages don't get out of control. I just take the moaning and digs for the kids sakes so to keep things calm.

As for the money situation, If I don't buy the things the kids need they will then go without. He just expects me to pay for this and all the food shopping and everything else as he pay the big bills. He has no idea the costs of things shopping, kids stuff, hobbies, clubs etc. So sometimes he will raise the fact when in a mood HE pays for the house etc, etc Yes I contribute to it too but no where near what he does however he earns a good wage and despite the interest on the mortgage which has almost doubled he can still afford it. And have money left over each month. BUT he still doesn't have enough to save and he doesn't have enough to put in a pension this is where he keeps going on about not being able to retire.

It is so draining and effecting me mentally too. It's been ok for a few months since i picked up some more work hours but I am at my maximum with everything else and all what I do caring for family etc and my own ill health but he has started again! Silly little things trigger it this morning it was too windy and wet to ride his motorbike,. Then moaning its going to be dry but he has to be working. Watching a programme on TV where the weather is nice, oh why cant we live there. Always something Sorry for the long rant.

I know you say you can't leave due to the financial situation but I really think you need to start planning for that. Yes it might well mean a drop in living standards or housing but that is worth it in the long run for your own mental health and a calm home for the children. He's financially abusing you for a start by not contributing fairly to family finances, less alone the behaviour.

He's not getting medical help, is refuses to engage with you or consider counselling (though in cases like this couple counselling isn't recommended anyway as it's just another opportunity to abuse). Now he is escalating to threatening suicide, shouting and breaking things. It will only get worse.

You owe it to yourself and the children to find a way out. None of you deserve to live like this. It might be difficult financially but look into CMS, benefits, housing options. Talk to Women's Aid. You may feel trapped but there is always a way out, even if it takes time and is not very palatable.

In the meantime you are best to shut down the moaning and pestering about emigrating - refuse to talk about, use 'broken record' technique to repeat you are not willing to discuss it, walk away if you have to. You can't use rational argument with someone who is disordered of thinking and trying to do so just makes them angry. He might get angry if you won't discuss it but more likely he'll just give up quicker than just ranting on and on. I should say I lived with someone with poorly managed bi-polar (also had problems with finding medications that worked without horrible side effects) and so do have some experience of this.

Edited to add. Threats of suicide are a control mechanism. Even if he means it (and he may not) it's deliberate to get you to comply. You have to accept the risk and do what you need to anyway. You are NOT responsible for his actions.

Thank you again. This weekend has been hard Friday he was on a downer then Saturday he cheered up a bit and Sunday there were digs but it wasn't too bad and then come Sunday evening he changed again and went on a downer and going on about moving etc and is really depressed and this morning hardly talking to me as I did not really engage with his discussions.

He told me last night he is depressed about two things: 1 being his work and 1 not liking living here. He can't afford to change jobs as he is in a good position and earning a good wage and with the cost of everything and living here it's impossible. I get this and yes it's a vicious circle so he feels trapped.

I just don't know what to do. I have said to him again calmly in conversation about seeing Dr's or talking with someone might be a good idea.
He said medication doesn't work and makes him feel worse so no way is he going back on meds. And talking to someone doesn't help so no point in that either.

Thank you to those who have been really supportive and have also recommended to reach out to women's aid. I had no idea I was in such a toxic relationship it has been for so long and just became the norm for me. The problem is when he is not on one of his downers he is lovely and an amazing dad. I know he can't help it either and this is what makes me feel guilty.

My brother takes his medication as he cares for his family. He doesn't like it, it makes him feel bloated, exhausted, brain fogged, flat and unmotivated. He loves his kids more though and it keep him stable for them.
Without it he can be snappy, irrational, impulsive, hyperactive, delusional, argumentative and paranoid. There's no option really.

However, he has it tweaked every year or so and they are always trying new combinations of anti-P's anti-D's, emotional regulators and anti-nausea.

Your partner needs to be committed to getting the right treatment for the sake of you and the children. If he doesn't - how dare he tell you you don't have the children's best interest at heart when he is causing all this drama and fuss all the time.

You have told him you don't want to move yet he persists on going on and on driving you insane about it.

He needs to draw a line under that discussion - it's been had, you aren't moving. He needs to stop and rethink what his actions and behaviours are doing to the family. The effect he has is far worse that where you live.

So he's not willing to see the docs to make any positive changes to how he manages his depression, or how his behaviour affects the family? You both have a lot going on in your family but he needs to seek support as well to help his resilience. Does he not understand that moving just moves his BPD depression with you all in a suitcase? If he's not willing to address his issues then effectively that leaves you the decision of whether you make plans to leave or you and the kids put up with it.

Thank you. I don't know how, but he genuinely doesn't seem to think he will just be moving his BP to another place. He feels if he goes somewhere else he will be cured.

No I mentioned again last night about seeing a DR, meds, talking to someone.

When he is on one of his downers he does not think about me and the kids he only thinks about how bad he is and all the negatives.
He thinks we/ the kids will be better moving too and it will all be ok.

kids absolutely don't want to move, they have good schools, friends and family network here. Older child going through important exams at school. Youngest has autism and is in a great school getting the support needed. No way am I moving them. I do everything for my kids and him. I barely have a life of my own. I look after my elderly parents who have done a lot for us so again I am not leaving them when they need me most. Plus a very close family member diagnosed last year with terminal cancer again and he wants to pull me away from them all when they need me.

Even his mum have said when he says about going tell him to go (we are close), I did but he said he doesn't want to leave me or the kids.

It's like because he is suffering, that if he moves us away we will suffer too and be miserable like him... This feels like what he wants so we will know how he feels. He has no idea how we feel or how it is effecting us.

When he is in a good mood sometimes he will say he must be a arse to live with and he's sorry but he just can't help it. So he does know deep down he's being a pig.