To act as though DP is out when working at home?

[AnnonymousMum]

My DP (kids' dad) works full time 9-5 from home. I work out of the house 3 long days a week (8-9, 8-6 and 8-6).

It's the school holidays at the moment and he's taken some days off this week to cover my working days. Today is one of my 2 days 'off' with the kids and he is working upstairs.

I got up this morning with the kids while he had a bath, put the washing on, made breakfast before I took youngest out for swimming lessons. DP then complained that we'd had breakfast at a time he had a meeting.. I didn't know I was expected to wait for him. It was 9.15 and the lessons were at 10 so couldn't really have waited longer anyway.

When we got back from swimming I made us (me and kids) a drink and we sat down to watch the new David Attenborough show before lunch.

DP came downstairs 3/4 of the way in and is now really cross that I didn't invite him down to watch TV with us. He said he likes nature documentaries (he does but very rarely watches them, and they're all on iPlayer all the time if he wanted to!) and feels left out. He said he'd bring his laptop down and work while watching it.

My understanding was that he is at work, he might come down for lunch and see us but he's working. If the kids bothered him while he was working then he'd be annoyed (at me probably). If I'm at work they do as they please I don't expect them to save fun things for when I'm free. They went out yesterday to a park and had a nice lunch for example.

Am I being unreasonable to leave DP out of plans when he's working? Or should I run everything by him?

He sounds upset that he is missing out on the fun, but is taking out his upset on you. Totally unfair.

We're in the same situation today - I'm off with DS and my DH is working. DH has just emerged for his lunch which he had with DS while I had a hospital appointment but otherwise, I'm with you and just ignore him. I may offer a cup of tea if I'm making one and he's not on a call and he may pop out for a break and play with DS for a bit but I treat him like he's not here (and would expect the same when the roles are reversed)

'Working' from home while watching TV is taking the piss. If he a regular lunch break normally he could use that time to spend with you and DC. Outside that he should suck up ths FOMO and get on with doing the work he's paid to do.

Absolutely not unreasonable of you at all.

When my husband is working from home I tell our girls they need to pretend he isn't there - not go into his office to chat etc. I'm the same, unless it's urgent, I message him so he can answer when convenient for him

I think it's nice to ask sometimes. Not every little thing but meals, for instance.

I wfh on some days dh is off. He'll always pop his head in to say he's doing a lunch for him and dc at 1, do I want to join them? Or to say dinner will be ready at 5, will I be able to eat at that time so we all sit together or shall he feed just the dc and we'll eat later? Sometimes I can, sometimes not (work/meetings dependent) but I'm always very grateful he thinks to ask. It's just a nice consideration from him.

YANBU. My DH works from home, we generally leave him alone during his working hours. If I was making something he might like for lunch like bacon sandwiches I would offer him one but otherwise he makes his own. If the children need something that I can't help with and he's not on a call they can ask him but they understand they might have to wait. There's no way he would be joining us to watch a documentary or expecting me to plan our meals around his meetings.

It's a working day for him, he should be working. Not watching TV and stuff!

We are in the same situation today as its first week of the Easter holidays here. I'm WFH today, we have an office upstairs. DH is on holiday to look after our eldest. They just pretend I am not here and I pretend I am in the office.
They do what they want when they want. I make tea and have my lunch in the office (now lol) when I would normally. They have gone to the park to meet friends and just said bye not do I want to go with.
It works the other way too. I'm off the rest of the week with our eldest. My DH will be WFH probably 2 of the 3 days. We will pop in and say hi or bye but we wont pass plans by him or even tell him what exactly what we are doing!

What a childish whinger he is. He is being completely unreasonable. As if he considers himself another child to be babied all day!

No he’s just having FOMO. Don’t pander to it and just ignore it.

I always ask DH if he wants lunch, cake, etc and either he will eat at his desk or come down and join us, but everything else we do without him. Sometimes, if he hears giggles, something interesting, etc he will come down and join us if he’s not swamped with work, but ultimately he’s upstairs working and we leave him to it.

Sounds like he feels he is missing out. Whatever arrangement you have had isn’t working for him atm. It’s time to sit down and talk about expectations.
Have you considered that he might be worried about something completely different and possibly unrelated which is making him behave out of character?

He is being ridiculous, he's at work. He shouldn't be popping down to watch a nature programme. Why doesn't he take some days off?