Partners ex is back in touch

[SleepyOAP]

I've been with my Partner for 10 years their ex ended the previous relationship over 12 years ago, they were together 3 years. Now they are back in contact as if nothing happened, no contact in previous 12 years. Partner thinks it's ok to accept FB friend and start messaging ending each message with a x or xx. Should I be worried or am I being over sensitive?

I would be very worried

😔

I wouldn't be happy. What's the point after 12 years? They've moved on - or they should have. And even if the kisses are superficial, it's still not acceptable, one or both could get the wrong idea. Talk about poking a sleeping bear.

Very strange. I don’t think you’re being over sensitive. Sounds like she still has some feelings there if she’s sending him a FB request.

You need to tell him how you feel about it. And his reaction should be telling.

I’m sorry to say that I’d be worried. You’re definitely not being over sensitive.

When you say your partner thinks it’s ok, have you had a ‘proper’ conversation about this? Or did you just briefly make a comment? I’d have to sit him down for a serious chat about this and tell him honestly that it isn’t acceptable. Ask him how he’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you were randomly back in contact with an ex after 12 years. Would be honestly be ok with that?

If he wasn’t able to see my POV on this and agree to stop the messaging/contact altogether then I think it’d be a deal breaker for me.

This is completely disrespectful to you and your relationship on both of their parts. Talk about muddying the waters and crossing boundaries. If there’s no DC which I’m assuming not and he’s not spoken to her in over a decade they have no need to be in contact. It’s not like they’re even friends. He should tell her that he’s in a relationship with you, wish her well and prioritise your feelings. If he claims you’re being unreasonable then he has no good intentions and is at best after her attention for an ago boost and at worst more.

I had all this shit with my ex and his ex wife the he had divorced 15 years before he and I met. She was always messaging about their child. Fair enough, you might say...the child was 36 at the time!

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with basic civility, but she was never going to let him go. She used to send him little presents and keep phoning. I put a stop to it.

I think the context is relevant. What did their messages say? Did she make contact and say hey have you heard about such and such, or like some big news which she wanted to mention. In itself I don't think there's an issue at all with that. But just "hi how are you what have you been up to" out of the blue I would find weird.

However, if you've been checking his phone and reading his messages you probably already know you shouldn't be doing that.

I think I'm an FB friend with a girl I was with aged 18, but nobody else; it's just not appropriate.

I've always known who she is as Partner always up front about previous life and actually met her at a family party (Partner and her have intertwined family). The bit that worries is why now.

As PP said, what did the messages say? How frequent are they? Who is continuing the conversation, or is it a mutual thing?

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP and you’re absolutely right to be concerned. Regardless of how their families are intertwined it cannot be that extensive as they’ve not spoken for the last 12 years. Maybe she’s just out of a relationship or she’s bored and he’s lapping it up because he’s shallow and wants the attention. Either way, there’s no reason for them to be in touch and you asked it you’re being over sensitive. You’re not.

Also, the xx at the end of the messages is really common amongst so many people, so I wouldn't read into that. I put kisses to everyone regardless of who they are it's just how I message. But I cant think of a single person that messages me and doesn't add a kiss.

i wouldn’t like this at all OP tell him straight. And if he dares to laugh off or ignore your concerns he’s got to go. Also who actually ended it? And who sent the fb request.

This sums it up perfectly 👌🏼

@EllaM No I don't check his phone etc. It was an out of the blue message pretty much 'what you doing today?' (I was told/shown who) that then went on and on and on.

@Babsexxx Ex ended it to look after their ex partner and ex sent FB request.

Out of the blue "what you doing today" is extremely odd. There's either something that's gone on in between outside of FB, or she's lost the plot.

Sadly, I agree with this and believe it holds true. No one in their right mind would randomly strike up conversation after 12 years with “what are you doing today”. They’ve either had previous recent interaction in person, through another messaging app or they’ve deleted a previous conversation on messenger. OP see if any single friends can find him on any dating apps I’d be concerned they have reconnected through something like that and now they’re familiar again have moved onto facebook.

While I wouldn’t be bothered with some kinds of message, this one is far too familiar and un necessary.

I messaged my ex from 20 years ago two weeks ago. I’d found a photo of us at a party and I messaged “oh my god look how young we were!” He messaged back “awww. And look my hair is still blond!” But that was it, no further messages. And he has got to know my husband (I introduced them) and is more likely to message him than me nowadays asking how to fix his car.

If you're uncomfortable with it then he shouldn't be doing it. You are not being unreasonable at all.