To keep pregnancy quiet

[Greenwichresident]

Firstly sorry for long post - I don't want to drip feed. It's very early days, I'm 4+4 into a pregnancy. I found out last week and am so grateful to be pregnant with my second. Have a DC who is 4.5 and has been desperate for a sibling, so really hoping it sticks.

Assuming all is well and it does stick, would it be unreasonable to keep this a secret until around 15 weeks of pregnancy? There's no particular reason for 15 weeks, other than it seems the maximum amount of time that I can reasonably hide it for before very obviously showing.

I'm quite a private person and very close to both sides of the family. However I have this very strong feeling to instinctively want to keep this quiet for as long as possible and I'm not sure why. I guess there are multiple factors but I'm not sure if this is reasonable or going to upset people:

1. I want our DC to be the first person to find out outside of myself and DH. He's been desperate for a sibling for months (he has asked most days for a brother / sister). I've had family members ask me if I'm planning to have another child in front of him/ how that's going, which I've found quite stressful whilst trying to conceive privately and not wanting to share this. I've also not wanted to get DC's hopes up, who has been desperate for a sibling, and found it a little tactless being asked in front of him (aside from also intrusive). So I'm not sure I can totally trust them to keep this secret from DC, until I know it's totally safe.
2. My mum has quite bad Alzheimer's, her behaviour has been increasingly paranoid and volatile towards me (I know it's not personal), but I know her reaction just won't be the reaction my mum historically gave 5 years ago when I was pregnant, before this diagnosis, and I'm dreading that.
3. My in laws are really lovely people and we are close, but they can be a little interfering at times- and it seems to really come out during pregnancy / newborn months. MIL is the sort of person to need to be the first person to find out about something. She's asked me several times when we'll have a DC2 which I've found quite difficult to answer when I just wanted to sort of deal with it privately. She was quite entitled with how much she wanted to see DS when he was born, with not much thought for other family members who had yet to meet him. She's very well meaning but she's the sort of person to send me several articles each week about pregnancy, give lots of advice when it's not necessarily needed, and prides herself with being an expert on pregnancy / children, but actually a lot of the advice she gives is pretty basic. For example, if I share a photo of DC in the summer (wearing a summer hat etc.), the response has been "is he wearing sun tan lotion??". It's well meaning but I can be quite condescending and hard to be patient with. I think she sometimes forgets that she's a grandmother and puts herself in a HV / midwife role, who is watching you constantly. Historically I've always been quite understanding and put it down to a bit of anxiety / insecurity on her part and a need to be needed, but I just don't really want to deal with all of the unwanted advice during this special time.

I'm really enjoying the calm. It's taken a lot to get to this point, and I just want to limit the noise for as long as possible. And I really want myself and DH to be the ones to let our DC know - I don't want that to be taken away from me. I don't want him to know until I'm sure it's safe.

And honestly it's just lovely being able to enjoy being pregnant without the noise, questions and opinions, however well intended. But equally I don't want to hurt close family members - so would love to hear thoughts on if I'm being unreasonable.

I think most people keep it private until after the 12 week scan anyway so 15 weeks isn’t unreasonable.

Sounds fine to me, especially given your reasons. Can you avoid seeing them for a few weeks until you want to tell them? And does your DH agree? If so it's no-one's business but yours and sounds like a good plan.

Congratulations, OP, on your very good news. It's very reasonable to keep the news quiet, and you don't need to justify it to anyone.

YANBU, enjoy it however you want and keep the unwanted 'advice' at bay 😁

I didn't tell many people until 24 weeks with dc2. My immediate family knew and close friends and I never 'announce' on social media- anyone I saw from 15/16 weeks knew immediately if I wasn't actively trying to hide the belly. it was lovely to just have a quiet pregnancy and share in dc1s excitement (until it wasn't a sister and she asked to return it).

I don't think you need any reason other than personal preference to hold off until 15 weeks. Bumps often show earlier the second time around mind you.

I told no one apart from my DH both times until 12 weeks. It felt like a good time to tell everyone as you have a scan to share and the odds are in your favour.

In no way is it 'safe' after 15 weeks. I really hope you have a great pregnancy and manage to do things your way. I found out with both my DC at around 4/5 weeks and told people as I saw them. I would prefer people knew I was pregnant if the worse happened then I could talk about it.

I'd definitely hold off telling anyone and just enjoy the time of you and dh knowing, and dc when you tell him. It's also good as a lesson to MIL that she'll only be told things when you are ready and you prioritise your family privacy over her need for information. Wishing you well with the pregnancy and handling MIL, she sounds like mine and blimmin' hard work trying to manage.

Congratulations OP!! You are absolutely not being unreasonable at all to keep this private until 15 weeks. It’s totally up to you, and 15 weeks isn’t that unusual anyway; most people wait until 12-14 x

I'm actually more concerned that you have to ask which suggests that you're used to being told what to do by your extended family and/or DH.

I mean, I am pretty relaxed and shared pregnancy news early in both cases, but it's 100% up to you and your DH to make this decision.

The only proviso is that if you do keep it to yourself, do it properly. I think it's harder if you're telling friends, but not family. Or MIL but not your DM or whatever.

Thanks all for the lovely comments! Just so pleased to be at this point!

Ok great, really glad that the general opinions seem to be that this isn't unreasonable.

I'd always planned to keep it quiet until we're out of the risky zone and at the 12 week marker, but hoping it's not unreasonable to add a few weeks on top! To be totally honest, if I could wait until the 20 week scan just to be totally sure all is ok, I absolutely would.

And I'm just surprised at how much I've enjoyed keeping this quiet. It's just nice being able to limit the noise / opinions.

I think with my first I started showing at 16 weeks and imagine, like you said, with a second it'll be sooner

DH is pretty supportive of keeping it to ourselves and agrees that it's nice to be able to just enjoy the moment.

I had to tell work immediately so the day after I found out around 4 weeks
I told a few people at work when it made sense of me asking them to do things for me. Between then and 12 weeks
I made the announcement when the office closed for lockdown at 18-19 weeks as I wouldn't see them until after my mat leave finished
We told my partners parents at 13 weeks and my family at 17 weeks

I had a very bad car accident at 16 weeks and I am so so glad my parents didn't know I was pregnant at the time. If I was to have another I would keep it quiet from my parents for as long as feasible but happy for my partners parents to know earlier as they are more supportive. Work again would have to know straight away and I would tell people on a case by case basis when it explains my requests as there are things I can't do in my job whilst pregnant

Given your reasons, I'd keep it to myself for longer than 15 weeks, so don't see any problem with this at all.

Why not keep it to yourself until you're unable to hide it longer? No-one has a claim to know about your pregnancy at any stage, it's lovely to have this peaceful time to yourself and your new baby growing inside with you ☺️.

We've planned not to tell friends and family for as long as we can when and if we can conceive again, we lost our first baby so want to keep this for ourselves for as long as we can xx

You honestly didn't need the long explanation, it is your pregnancy and no one but you and DH are entitled to know. Congratulations. Enjoy your quiet time before you do tell everyone. And when you do finally tell, remember you owe no one an apology or an explanation.

I didn’t tell anyone other than DH and my midwife till I was 19 weeks.

@GingerIsBest - sorry bit of a drip feed here but there's been quite a lot of drama in the past from in laws when their children have tried to establish boundaries. I guess I can imagine them being quite put out that we haven't told them / feeling a little hurt, so just trying to consider it the fallout is worth it.

Thanks all for the great advice. Instinctively I've really felt like this is the right approach for us, and it's really reassuring to read of others who've done similar.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to wait until your ready. I didn't show with my first till 24 weeks with my second about 16 weeks. Keep it to yourself.

Oh sod their hurty feelings, it's a lesson to them that because they don't respect boundaries you are instilling new ones. My PILs have tried to become overbearing and interfering with me and my 5 month old baby, all through the pregnancy I had to manage her issues and bombardments of advice and opinions (it even spoilt my time being pregnant). I've since stepped back from them and run it all on terms that suit me. They see baby and I won't play games with that ever but they've pushed me too far for it to be a naturally warm and sharing relationship now. If we expect a second dc at any point I'll hold off telling them for as long as possible. Do only what suits you x

@Greenwichresident Mine was secret until I was 34 weeks. For lots of reasons! DH knew, and a couple of friends, but that was it.

I was sure people would guess, but they didn't. We announced it with a photo of baby shoes and our new house keys in the end, on the day the sale completed, and most people didn't notice the baby shoes somehow 😂

I'd probably do it differently the second time around, if we're lucky enough that it happens for us, but I don't regret the way we did it at all. Infact, if I could change anything, I'd not tell the in-laws. DH told them at 10 weeks because it was his birthday and he was excited, but he regretted it almost immediately and I did too.

I made sure our DS ( then 7 ) was the first to know. I couldn’t have cared less about anyone else’s feelings. We’d had 3 mcs so it was vital we waited until we could be pretty certain that all would be well. I also insisted to DH that DS 1 was the first to know whether he had a DB or DS when DS2 arrived so there were no phone calls to parents in the first hour. MIL was at our house ready to look after DS2. DH timed his arrival home to pick up my bag (emergency cs) to coincide with DS1 getting home from ASC brought home by a friend so he could tell him first when the car pulled up. I can’t see why MIL would have been annoyed and she’s certainly never said anything.

Congratulations OP.

I told my manager in confidence but didn’t tell anyone else until after the 20 week anomaly scan. People were very happy for us, some commented it was nice finding out then as they didn’t have to wait so long to meet the baby.

Not going to lie I didn’t even read your points - your pregnancy, your choice. If you want to hide it until 15 weeks - do it!!!

I kept my third successful pregnancy quiet until 24 maybe 26 weeks. We did tell my parents and in law after 12 weeks but under strict no telling rules. We knew because of past losses they wouldn't break that rule.

I just hid out at home as I was massive by 16 weeks ( I was showing at 6 weeks which is insane!), worked from home (work obviously had to know and approve though) and didn't post any picture on social media which you could tell with. Baggy clothes and not doing much became my life for a little while. I had huge morning sickness from 6 weeks to 38 though so didn't want to do much.

What ever reasons you have for keeping it quiet are entirely valid. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks at the end of the day. Hurt feelings or not. Most people will understand why you want to keep it to yourselves.

Why would that be unreasonable? I didn’t show until 20 weeks with my 3rd, didn’t tell the kids or any non-close friends until then. Told my parents around 16 weeks and friends as i saw/spoke to them. If someone hadn’t seen me or enquired about me then they didn’t get told, because I always found it odd the other 2 times to tell someone out of the blue.

I kept it secret until my 12 week scan (I was visibly showing by then but wearing baggy clothes)

I had suffered missed miscarriages and found out at 12week scans before so I didn’t want to tell everyone until I knew all was okay.

tell people when you are ready.