Uni friend doesn't get what it's like to be a Mum

[babyboymam]

My uni friend of 9 years and I haven't seen each other since before I got pregnant with my LO, he's now 18 months old.

When I sent her photos of him on his birthday (he came early) she didn't respond for 3 days. She did buy him a gift but didn't show any interest in coming to visit (we live around a 3 hour journey apart).

We've never been super regular at messaging and usually message around once or twice a month and this is usually trying to arrange a date to meet up to have a proper catch up. Before getting pregnant we'd probably see each other every 6 months or so.

She seemed very upset that I didn't make it to her 28th birthday celebrations as I was 2 months pp and EBF at the time but I made sure to send a nice gift.

We finally got a date in the diary for her to visit me recently but she said the local hotels were too expensive and that her other friend who lives close to me wasn't free that weekend so she cancelled 4 days before. I'd like to add I offered her to stay at my house (albeit on the sofa as the baby has the guest room now). There's been very little interaction since this and I'm starting to think she's done with me.

There was one occasion I didn't reply to her message for two months. I'm finding adjusting to motherhood and going back to work so difficult I often forget to reply to WhatsApp messages.

Aibu when I say that she's the one in the wrong? Or am I the bad friend for not replying regularly enough? ☹️

I think this sounds like both of you not making the effort for one another.

Neither is wrong, you're both letting the friendship lapse because you're at different life stages. It happens.

I don’t think anyone is in the wrong. It sounds like you’re both in different stages of life and both not very good at keeping in touch.

You can’t be upset at her not making a 3 hour journey to see when you take 2 months to reply to her messages.

Friendships change as life goes on. Some are by your side for a long time whilst others drift apart because life situations have changed.

No one is in the wrong.

That's just how life is.

Your life has changed. But her life hasn’t. You’ve changed the goal posts for your friendship, and seem to be expecting her to adjust without any discussion or explanation.

If you want her to make an effort to flex for you, you need to make some more effort too.

Neither of you is in the wrong. Your lives have just diverged for now. If you value the friendship it will still be there when you’re less baby-focused.

I think she was a friend for a season and that season has changed. It's not a matter of right or wrong, you've drifted apart and you need to accept your role in this as well as hers. It's ok to fade it out to just the odd text and move on

Its really difficult to get what it’s like to be a Mum, until you become a Mum…
Neither of you is in the wrong, you’re just at different life stages. You thought she should have responded to your baby pics sooner, she thought you should have replied to her WhatsApp message earlier. You expect her to travel 6 hours round trip to see you. She can’t afford the hotel and doesn’t want to sleep on a sofa. I think you both have unrealistic expectations of each other.

You are drifting apart. If you were supposed to be friends you wouldn't be on here about the friendship. It would evolve onto your next stages naturally and you wouldn't have to think about it too much. Xxx

neither is in the wrong overall, but you are a bit in the wrong for counting and remembering that it took her three days to reply to a message - keeping these sorts of records is very immature. I am not surprised she didn't want to visit, and has cancelled her visit, it is a long journey, and not easy to arrange. Just keep in touch with the occasional message for now

Yabu to think she’s any more ‘wrong’ than you are, but neither of you are wrong really. You’ve just grown apart and have different focuses in life.

As pp have said, it sounds like neither of you are in the wrong, you're just drifting apart as you're at different life stages.
FWIW, I don't know any late twenty somethings who would want to sleep on a sofa. Can you invest in a decent air bed for guests? A friend has one that's huge and self inflates, it's about 50cm deep and really comfy.
I adore my friends' children but wouldn't want to spend more than a few hours with them, so that could be the other reason behind why she's cancelled as her other friend isn't available.

Neither of you are in the wrong, you're just in different stages right now.

You didn't reply for two months, she didn't want to do a 3 hour journey and hotels are expensive. She didn't visit after he was born, maybe she isn't interested in babies but she did send him a nice gift.

I visited my sister just after she had my niece and she said I could sleep on the sofa but I didn't want to get in the way and disturb here especially during the newborn stage so I booked a hotel but I could afford it, your friend has said they're expensive.

YABU to say she’s in the wrong. You either both are or neither of you are.

You both have different priorities. She is no longer a priority for you. Which is fine. Your baby is not a priority for her. Which is also fine.

Love that you remember that she didn't reply for three whole days when you sent photos of your son on his birthday, but you also seem to think it's fine that you took two months to reply to her on another occasion. Did you apologise to her for this and explain?

Neither of you are in the wrong. If you care about the friendship then you need to have an honest conversation with her, and probably apologise for not making more of an effort with her. Why was she expected to travel three hours, why can't you meet somewhere in the middle for a day trip? Suggest this to her? And arrange for childcare that day so you can have a proper catch up.

You can’t be upset at her not making a 3 hour journey to see when you take 2 months to reply to her messages.

That. Being post partum doesn't excuse not answering a message for two months. You never managed to be on your phone during that time? You didn't message anyone else or post on or read social media?

A six hour return journey is a lot of effort. Typing a short reply to a message is not.
If a friend took two months to reply to me, I'd assume that they had no interest in the friendship continuing.

Love that you remember that she didn't reply for three whole days when you sent photos of your son on his birthday, but you also seem to think it's fine that you took two months to reply to her on another occasion.

OP, you’ve got to see how this comes across.

You’re both hurt by feeling the other isn’t making an effort. You’ve had a baby but it’s not the only life event available, she’s got stuff going on too.

Let it go and focus on other friendships.

So she doesn't reply to a photo for three days and she's an awful friend who doesn't have any children so should be constantly available, you don't reply for months and it's ok because you're terribly busy with your important life being a mother.

How would a childless person know what it’s like to be a mum?

You were annoyed that she didn’t send a reply to a photo of your son for days but don’t reply to her for 2(!!) months. I assume that you used your phone several times during that period.

It sounds like you are both drifting apart which is common when 2 people’s lives change course. You are both equally unreasonable