Boyfriend comment made me uncomfortable

[TheCoral]

I'm not entirely sure if this is the right spot to post this, but I could really use some input. I've been doing some searching online, but I haven't found much that's been helpful. Lately, my boyfriend has been saying selfish things that make me feel uncomfortable. We've been together for over four years now, and although we live together, our shift work often mean we barely see each other.

A few months back, my mom was diagnosed with a form of MS. It's been tough, no doubt, but we're managing as best we can. However, her diagnosis has meant my boyfriend and I have been spending less time together. I've tried my best to communicate how I'm feeling and the stress I'm under.
One thing that's been bothering me is how he responds when I share my feelings. For example, when I mention that my mom is having a particularly tough day and I'm feeling sad for her, he'll often jump in with something like, "Yeah, I get it. I felt the same way when -insert something sad that happened to him-." At first, it didn't really bother me, but as it kept happening, it started to grate on my nerves. It feels like he's not really listening, just waiting for his turn to talk.

Last week, it all came to a head. He did it again, and I couldn't hold back my frustration. I asked him if he could just listen sometimes without making it about him. Well, he didn't take it well. He got defensive and snapped at me, saying he thinks about me all the time and that he's doing his best. When I tried to explain that he was doing it again, making it about himself, he said something about how I must think he's self-obsessed and dramatically said he wants to drive his car into the wall.

It's not the first time he's said something like that during an argument, and it's really starting to worry me. A few years ago, during another argument, he said something similar when I called him out on his selfish behaviour. I don't think he'd EVER actually hurt himself, but it still makes me uncomfortable.

It's another angle. Not a definite. Most people generally are doing their best with the resources available to them at the time. Not everything is a red flag, coercive control or narcissistic abuse. Granted his behaviour isn't ideal and shows some level of emotional immaturity but there could many other reasons for this...

You do realise that not everyone empathises by going oh dear that’s terrible please tell me more non stop, him listening and then relating his own stories could be his way of trying to make you feel better even if you don’t like it. It is a big clash in styles though and I think you should split up anyway

@DonnaBanana Yes, I agree. That's what I wanted to speak with him about but the way the chat turned has made me uncomfortable

Not this manipulative bullshit again.

I dealt with this and it made me too scared to say or challenge anything. That's the idea of it; to keep you in your place.

I ended up having a breakdown and it seriously damaged my mental health.

Please, take it from someone who has been there, he will start to threaten it over more minor things until you just nod and smile.

You have done/ said nothing wrong. His actions are his decisions. Guess what? When I left, mine didn't kill himself... (not trying to downplay anyone who does have serious MH issues here)

Oh behave yourself.

He could also be a controlling arsehole who never learned appropriate ways of being in relationship with others and uses emotional blackmail and suicide threats to manipulate.

Even if he's doing his best, it's still far from good enough, whatever your diagnosis. Labels are not a get of jail free card of pass to behave however you fancy with no repercussions.

Except we know that men threatening to kill themselves due to their partner’s behaviour is a definite red flag.

Saying he is ‘probably trying his best’ is justifying abusive and manipulative behaviour.

@TheCoral

tell him YOU are not making him FEEL selfish, you are merely pointing out his selfish behaviour!!

im sorry to hear about your mum, its a devastating diagnosis. My 'older' friend has learnt to manage hers much better in recent years as she realises that she needs to rest up before as well as after an event & that yes, it's shit as she wants to get on with things & not rest, but it's her reality.

I think your bloke needs to go. He's not helping.

He may just be an awful person who wants to make it all about him, or he may be doing his best to show compassion. I have ADHD and one of the traits is exactly what you describe, but it's not to make it about us it's to try to show empathy and that we understand. Now I know it's not socially acceptable I force myself to stfu, but your partner might not realise it's actually not helpful to most people. Hard to know without more context whether he's a selfish w**er making it all about him, or if he genuinely thinks it shows how much he cares.
The massive over reaction also sounds like rejection sensitivity disorder so he might have ADHD (traits). Or he might be a controlling arse. I suppose the only way to know is whether he's willing to adjust his behaviour when you talk about how it affects you.

Or manipulative, narcissistic and using emotional blackmail to control his partner?

He sounds horrible. He's trying to manipulate you. This is not a healthy relationship at all.

I don't know how this became about ADHD. I work with a lot of children with ADHD and if anything, my partner is the opposite - slow and meticulous in his manner usually

Quite a lot of people do that thing where they're trying to relate but can only say how a thing is for them instead of making the right noises and listening to you more supportively. It doesn't make them all narcissists. I find it's kind of a gift when people are able to listen and emote and a gift that women seem to have more often than men. Vast generalisation ofc, but women do tend to talk about these things more - mumsnet being a prime example - whereas men tend to share less and be less good at saying the right thing. All of which to say, you're probably better looking to your female friends for this kind of supportive conversation rather than look to him to do something that you know just is not naturally his thing. It's the difference between someone being actively selfish i.e. an arse, or just being a poor listener/empathiser.

You can, as you have, flag it up and ask him to do better, but expecting men to change is often a hiding to nothing and you might as well bin him if he's not right for you. The crazy car/wall comment is another league of WTF and only you know if he's really unhinged and you need to run away, or if it's just a dumb comment made in the heat of the moment.

Why, on any thread about a man clearly resorting to tactics of abuse to control his partner, do we get an onslaught of posters excusing his behaviour with a random diagnosis of ADHD or ASD?! Offensive to everyone.

Like this. FFS.

This man-child is in his 40s?

Elements of Central character syndrome, doesn't like it when focus isn't wholly on him. Even if it's something so critical and emotional as the critical illness, and even death of a loved one of the partner. This guy won't support you as it gets harder, he won't be your rock, he won't be keeping the household afloat whilst you are on the roller coaster of emotions as your mum gets sicker, he wont comfort you as you process the emotions of the coming weeks and months. He will just figuratively sit in the corner and sulk like a petulant child and kick out as if you told him he can't have his favourite toy.

None of his actions are your fault. The fact he has the emotional integrity of a slug is not your fault. He will quite happily divert your attention from your sick mother at a critical time, when youre torn between seeing and helping mum, and dealing with his shit. He will cause you untold amount of issue, one after another.

Do not waste this time with your mother in favour of dealing with this man.

'No one gets angrier than a narcissist when you point out something they definately did do'.

He's also using DARVO.

To make you the 'bad guy' when you actually the victim of his shitty behaviour.

It's all standard narcissist territory.

The competitive one-upmanship ('oh, you have a boat? I have a yacht!', 'oh, you had a hard day? Bet mines was miles harder!'). Everything's a competition they have to win.

The need to always bring the convo back to them. This might be confused as impulsiveness which is why people on here might mention adhd (but.people.with.adhd.have.empathy. They'd be mortified, like any other person, to think their partner was feeling unsupported by them during this difficult time).

Probably an increase in neediness (and decrease in supporting you...and increase in creating drama) whenever you are focused on something else important. Eg: illness, studying for exams and sick parents.

All you can do is get away.
Don't stay with manipulative people who, when you ask for simple support (as if you should have to) threaten to kill themselves.

A lot of men threaten suicide when their women are stepping it or line. None of them ever do it.

So so many people are like this. It’s their default setting to talk about themselves. They hear what you’ve said, ignore it and then talk about their own experiences regardless of whether they’re relevant or recent.

That's an extreme reaction, I'd say it's either some kind of emotional or personality disorder, or that he's being emotionally abusive and controlling. It would be a red flag for me, is this the only situation he over-reacts or says something so extreme op?

This is the third time he said thrown a suicide comment into an argument in four years. The other times was times of asking for help/change @Ivyy. Certainly not something he does every day

A few weeks ago he kicked and broke a table in his sisters house, which was very strange for him. He was helping her build it but they ended up having an argument (can't remember what about)

It's very much a veiled threat, designed to shut you up and stop you questioning his behaviour.

Silly question. What does DARVO mean?

“DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims,”

I'm not sure I see what others are seeing? I also have a tendency to relate someone's story to a similar one of my own. I do this as a way to connect and show empathy and understanding for their situation. A lot of people do this and it doesn't mean they are selfish. I never do it to turn the convo back to myself, I'm just trying to find the common ground

I also have a tendency to say silly things like I want to die when my emotions get on top of me. I don't mean it and I don't use it as a threat or way to control anyone. It's my absolute breaking point and sign of being utterly overwhelming with the situation.

I'm sorry about your mum. It seems like life right now is rubbish for both of you and you aren't existing as a couple anymore. I'd cut him some slack and recognise that you're not the only one suffering and he may well be overwhelmed with stuff and shift work and not seeing his partner very often and when he does the conversation is very serious and down ( understandable given your mums diagnoses) but sounds like you both could do with time to clear your heads

A manipulative suicide threat like that is a deal breaker. He needs to work on his issues before attempting to have a relationship with someone. Totally unacceptable to bring suicide into an adult conversation about your physical health just because he perceives criticism.