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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your ex FaceTime your child if he had no interest in seeing them?

19 replies

userzH · 01/04/2024 21:24

Ex seems to want to FaceTime every now and then but refuses to say when he will see ds again.

Ds is 5. On FaceTimes ex tells ds how much he loves him etc etc....but can never say when he will actually see him again. I don't pressure this but have emailed him a few times with dates and times of when he can see ds but he ignores them all. He is receiving my emails, just choosing to not reply.

He hasn't seen ds for 2 months now. Non consistent contact has been going on for 7 months.

Feel like knocking facetimes on the head as it seems pointless to me and quite confusing for ds.

But then sometimes I think some contact is better than no contact. He will also send a text to ds iPad saying he loves him....but ds is 5 so this also seems pointless to me.

For context - ex lives less than 10 mins away from us and is self employed meaning he works his own hours. There are zero excuses he can make other than he's a dick.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 01/04/2024 21:25

This shouldn’t be a way to control your ex, it should be about allowing your child to see their father even if on FaceTime.

Original poster
userzH · 01/04/2024 21:27

TheSnowyOwl · 01/04/2024 21:25

This shouldn’t be a way to control your ex, it should be about allowing your child to see their father even if on FaceTime.

Trust me I'm not the controlling one. He is extremely abusive. I've had to block him on my phone due to constant nasty texts and had spoken to the police 4 times.

Divorcing him with legal aid due to the abuse too. I am not controlling.

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 01/04/2024 21:28

Is he paying maintenance being self employed? I just dont think id facilitate it. And why does a 5 year old have an ipad?

KestrelMoon · 01/04/2024 21:29

Stopping all other forms of contact, would be a form of pressuring him to see DS in person. You would be accused of alienating DS from his father. It is better his father is not making promises to visit that he can’t keep, as that is what is most confusing. I think this is a case of do nothing. It’s not your job to rescue your Ex’s relationship with your joint DS. I’d only intervene if your DS asks you or is severely distressed by his father’s behaviour.

StealthMama · 01/04/2024 21:29

What contact agreement do you have in place, and did this go through the courts or self arranged?

Does he pay child support?

KestrelMoon · 01/04/2024 21:30

userzH · 01/04/2024 21:27

Trust me I'm not the controlling one. He is extremely abusive. I've had to block him on my phone due to constant nasty texts and had spoken to the police 4 times.

Divorcing him with legal aid due to the abuse too. I am not controlling.

Show quote history

If he is so abusive then surely it is safest that he not see DS in person? Why would you even want that?

Original poster
userzH · 01/04/2024 21:30

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 01/04/2024 21:28

Is he paying maintenance being self employed? I just dont think id facilitate it. And why does a 5 year old have an ipad?

I've had to block him on my phone due to him being abusive towards me so I've set ds up the old iPad so his dad can use that to FaceTime. Not ideal but life is so much better for me knowing that he is blocked on my phone.

I've had to go to cms due to maintenance. He does lay but when he feels like it. He's had a letter from the balliffs but has apparently set up a standing order. I'll know if this is true or not in the morning when I check my bank account.

OP posts:
Thebitefandango · 01/04/2024 21:31

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 01/04/2024 21:28

Is he paying maintenance being self employed? I just dont think id facilitate it. And why does a 5 year old have an ipad?

What has the child having an ipad got to do with anything!

tomorrowisanotherdate · 01/04/2024 21:31

definitely allow face time to continue. Your LO needs to know what her father looks like, sounds like, talks like, etc, or she will just be making it up in her head, and it is likely to be a long way from reality

JMSA · 01/04/2024 21:31

Totally get your frustration and bewilderment, OP Flowers
He wants to be half parent and that's it (and even that would be a generous description).

StSwithinsDay · 01/04/2024 21:32

I would stop this immediately. It's not good for your child at all. If his father wants to have contact it is arranged through you. I would also block him on your 5 year old's ipad.

Original poster
userzH · 01/04/2024 21:32

@KestrelMoon I've been told by social services he isn't classed as a danger towards ds, only to me.

In an ideal world, I don't want contact at all but if he asks to FaceTime then I feel I should incase it ever went to court. I don't want it to look like I am alienating my son from his father.

OP posts:
Original poster
userzH · 01/04/2024 21:34

StSwithinsDay · 01/04/2024 21:32

I would stop this immediately. It's not good for your child at all. If his father wants to have contact it is arranged through you. I would also block him on your 5 year old's ipad.

My son doesn't use the iPad to play on - I've literally just set it up to use to FaceTime and then it's back in the drawer but I've set it up using the email address that ex can contact me on.

The whole thing is a mess and I've had enough now.

They FaceTimed this morning but since I've had non stop questions of ds asking when he can see his daddy and I can't give him an answer.

OP posts:
KestrelMoon · 01/04/2024 21:35

userzH · 01/04/2024 21:32

@KestrelMoon I've been told by social services he isn't classed as a danger towards ds, only to me.

In an ideal world, I don't want contact at all but if he asks to FaceTime then I feel I should incase it ever went to court. I don't want it to look like I am alienating my son from his father.

That is my feeling too, cutting it off would give him a stick to beat you with in the courts. I’d be happy he doesn’t want to see DS in person. The courts are often wrong about abusive men not being a physical danger to their DC. I think the FaceTime/messages that you can monitor is the safest way for DS to communicate.

KestrelMoon · 01/04/2024 21:36

“They FaceTimed this morning but since I've had non stop questions of ds asking when he can see his daddy and I can't give him an answer.”

The answer would be that his daddy hasn’t asked to see him and you don’t know why. It’s the unvarnished truth.

Original poster
userzH · 01/04/2024 21:36

StealthMama · 01/04/2024 21:29

What contact agreement do you have in place, and did this go through the courts or self arranged?

Does he pay child support?

It was self arranged but ex stopped it all a couple of months ago. Ex only managed to stick to it for 5 weeks. Before then contact was on and off. I'm worried about the long term effects of the inconsistency for ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
userzH · 01/04/2024 21:40

@KestrelMoon the thing is all communication is done on email and it does show the amount of times I've offered contact so I suppose that's something.

I can't see him taking me to court either, if he did it would just be out of spite and not if else.

I just want to protect my little boy. Ex has a 10'year old child that no longer wants to see his dad anymore. The child has made that choice himself and I completely understand why. I suppose I'm just trying to protect my son from having to make the same choices.

OP posts:
KestrelMoon · 01/04/2024 21:48

@userzH
Abusive exes can be spiteful and abuse the legal system to hurt their victims. They will even launch losing legal actions that are groundless just to cause stress and worry.

Protecting your DS from learning his dad is a PoS and to distance himself isn’t protecting him imho. It is the sad truth, and he is better off learning this gradually and safely with you than you masking how your Ex/his father really is. I’ve watched friends do this, not say a bad word about their abusive ex and then the boy decides as a rebellious teen to go live with his dad because he thinks the world of him and the mums are in a blind panic because then the teen is invariably going to learn the worst way as to how abusive their father is.

There is no path that means zero hurt for your DS. I think you have chosen a good path by leaving your Ex, and I’d not be encouraging in person contact. Leave it as it is. You are the most important person to your DS, his rock. He can weather not having a present dad with you there.

PolarPandaBear · 01/04/2024 21:54

Similar situation here only he didn't even want to call/ face time, he only wanted to send WhatsApp messages to them. I blocked him on their phones in the end as he kept
promising to come down then not showing up or cancelling the night before at 3am (yes texting their phone at 3am to cancel a day out he had planned) this was causing too much upset in the end so I blocked him on their phones (he never called)

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