I want to leave my DP

[Ripplelove]

I really need to split from my partner, I’m not happy and neither is he.
But we have a young child together and a joint mortgage. I don’t have a job and I have zero savings/anything to support myself with.
He has a low income and would really struggle to afford anywhere on his own.
My family live over 100 miles away and I have no friends I could stay with either.

I’m in a conundrum and have no idea what to do. I’m so miserable, he refuses to leave our joint home and so I have no way to force him.

Can anyone please advise?

You will need to get a job and pay for legal advice on forcing a sale of the property. How much equity do you have in the house?

How can you have a joint mortgage if you don't have a job and have zero savings? I'm not trying to be a twat, but it sounds like neither of you can actually afford where you are.

Can you speak to Shelter about getting housing on your own? I think it means applying to social services, but they will advise I think. Even if he left the house, you wouldn't be able to afford to stay there, surely? It will need to be sold and assets (if there are any) split.

We bought the house when I was working, I’ve become unwell since and unable to work. I’m in the process of applying for pip.

We both had £10,000 of savings each but they went into the house deposit.

Looks like you’ll both be renting then once you’ve forced through a sale of the house.

Ideally I’d like to move back to be near my parents / family. But it’s 150 miles away and I don’t see how it would work as he wants 50% access.

Hi OP, sorry you’re going through this.

I don’t know why you’re asking him to leave your joint home, if you have no income or savings then what is your plan if he says “okay I’ll leave”, how do you plan on paying all of those bills to keep your home running?

I think in all honesty it is ducks in a row time, you need to think practically and get a plan in place to get yourself out of this situation, first of all:

1. You need a job, you need an income of your own so that you can start putting money to one side as your “start again” fund.

2. Look at getting the house valued and up for sale, or if he wants to keep the house then okay, he will need to buy you out then, either way you get your “share”.

It’s so easy to just sit and wait for change to come to you but unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. If you want out, start taking steps towards it now, good luck!

I'd be wary of moving back home, it would potentially mean you'd need to help facilitate his access (e.g doing a lot of the travelling).

As PP have said you need proper advice. He doesn't have to leave a joint property, especially if you have no funds to continue paying for it and would need him to continue paying.

That wouldn’t be fair on him or your child. Do you have any friends locally?

@Mrsttcno1

I do understand that, but I am dealing with disability myself and currently unable to work so I’ve applied for pip to help support me. No response as yet.

@Mummame2222

No real friends or family here, I feel very isolated. What makes it worse is that I’m very much reliant on him and his parents for support too.

I appreciate that but unfortunately that’s the reality. You don’t have to continue living with him if you don’t want to, however as he is able to continue paying the bills and you are not, you cannot expect him to leave a house he jointly owns and I’m guessing right now solely pays for. That is unreasonable.

Is there any chance you could do any kind of work at all, even part time or work from home? Do you currently receive any UC? If you are unable to work then you will be assessed as having LCWRA and would then receive a higher amount UC each month. Essentially you need some way of getting some money of your own in so that you can make plans to move.

Oh that’s so hard. I think you two breaking up right now is going to be really very difficult. Can you change your focus? Join some local groups to make some friends? And maybe home distance learning whilst you can’t work to train up in a career you may be able to work from home with? Depending on your disability of course? Save up a little bit of money and then move out? Playing the long game may be an option?

If you did move back home what would your plan be for living?

Can you bide your time a little to get more structure in place? Once you hear back about your PIP, check if that affects your UC and get an idea on what you would get if you sold the house. When you have an idea of finances get a short session in with a lawyer for basic advice. Then look into housing in the area if you don't move, local groups where you could meet friends. If you did move, is it within the same country?

If you rely on your partner and in laws for support now, is any of that support needed to care for your children?

What's driving the unhappiness between you? Personally unless there is abuse you have a young child together and therefore there is a responsibility there. If he wants 50/50 custody he can also legally prevent your child moving away

Sounds like you'd be better moving back to your parents for support and going from there. You need to manage your ill heath. Contact etc can be sorted out later, you need support for yourself and the child initially.

I was in a very similar position 8 years ago. I made the leap, we sold our house, I quit my job, moved myself and our 2 kids back in with my parents and found a new job. I met the love of my life, went on to have another child and I'm now studying towards a qualification that will (hopefully) lead to a new career. If someone told me how different my life would be 8 years ago I never would have believed them. You just have to take that first step.
Get some advice, find out about benefits and housing and get legal advice (first hour is usually free) at a solicitor or at citizens advice. x

@Stressybetty

I would love to, but my DP won’t let me move away and take our son with me. Also he’s 5, so what would happen about school, he’s in reception full time?
and I don’t like the idea of taking him away from his dad as they are close. Despite our relationship.

How long have you been having problems and are they things that could be worked out? I’m sorry you’ve been so ill, does that coincide with the relationship troubles?