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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop DD going away

27 replies

Sunnyshore11 · 01/04/2024 09:45

Hi all I need some opinions regarding my DD (7)s relationship with her Dad.
The really issue is the constant lies from soon to be EXH , he seems to lie about the most trivial of things and it's starting to worry me. For example he's told me of their plans for this week (we agreed to a week each this holidays) but when Ive spoken to DD none of what he said appears to be true i.e trips, glamping meeting with friends even the time off work hes told me hes got isn't true. She's been left with his new partners parents and basically just sat in their home for the majority of the time he's had her. This is a common theme and when he's confronted he denies what he's said or done even when I have the plans in writing.
I understand plans change but not at this frequency, sometimes he will tell me their going away and then I find that's not the case meaning I don't know where she is as I'm told one thing then he does another.
He's also awkward about me speaking to her ,(just for context this is usually every other day.) and lies and says they're busy,which I later discover is untrue.
He is taking her abroad in summer and due to the consistent lies I'm worried that if something happened he wouldn't tell me the truth or stop her speaking with me. DD has already said she's not sure she wants to go, should I tell him he can't take her?

TIA

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 01/04/2024 09:48

What has your solicitor said, we can't give you legal advice

Mummame2222 · 01/04/2024 09:56

You can’t stop him.

He sounds like a shit Dad but unfortunately you have no say in what he does during his parenting time as long as she’s not in danger.

How long is she with her Dad when you call every other day? Some people really dislike this, I’m not sure I’d like it if it were my ex doing this.

Original poster
Sunnyshore11 · 01/04/2024 10:04

Legally Im aware that he needs a letter to take her out of the country but so do I therefore if I stopped her going it would be most likely he would stop me.
I'm worried that the constant lying may be used to cover up situations that could be dangerous. He tends to ignore her when he's with new partner my worry is he does that near a swimming pool or she wanders off on the complex.
@Mummame2222 he has her for ten days, I ring as she requests me to when he has her for longer than the normal which is two nights per week, he's free to call her whenever he wants as well,he just chooses not to.

OP posts:
Mummame2222 · 01/04/2024 10:10

@Sunnyshore11 That would depend on the entry requirements of the country he’s going to. If you won’t give permission surely he’ll just choose a country that doesn’t require it. I’ve never had to give my ex permission to leave the country with my kids and vice versa.

I understand your concerns but I really think at the moment there’s not much you can do about it. It’s speculation that can’t be proven and therefore can’t be acted on. Just keep your eye on things and get legal advice if/when you think it necessary.

Zonder · 01/04/2024 10:11

If she is already expressing concern I'd listen to that, so long as you're not influencing her.

Christmastree455555 · 01/04/2024 10:14

Sunnyshore11 · 01/04/2024 10:04

Legally Im aware that he needs a letter to take her out of the country but so do I therefore if I stopped her going it would be most likely he would stop me.
I'm worried that the constant lying may be used to cover up situations that could be dangerous. He tends to ignore her when he's with new partner my worry is he does that near a swimming pool or she wanders off on the complex.
@Mummame2222 he has her for ten days, I ring as she requests me to when he has her for longer than the normal which is two nights per week, he's free to call her whenever he wants as well,he just chooses not to.

I think for your own sanity you need to stop questioning your DD about her every movements . Plans change . Her dad - your ex husband doesn’t actually need to give you any info about what they are doing or when.
be really careful what impression you are giving DD- stop asking her if she wants to go. She will read you and your facial expressions as clearer you don’t want her to go.

Original poster
Sunnyshore11 · 01/04/2024 10:16

@Mummame2222 the holiday is booked and it does require a letter it's not the route I want to go down but whenever I try to have a conversation he is very hostile.
@Zonder I've fully encouraged a relationship I don't even take maintenance from him as I would rather he spent the money on her when he has her. I've actually tried to get her to give him a chance as when we were married I did most of the parenting alone.

OP posts:
Christmastree455555 · 01/04/2024 10:17

I’d also remember the permission works both ways- if you block him he will probably block you. If you block him also he might just seek legal advice and get a child arrangement order and permission to take her ?

Original poster
Sunnyshore11 · 01/04/2024 10:22

As I've said I know it can work both ways but would be willing to let him take me to court as I feel my concerns are genuine.

OP posts:
Mummame2222 · 01/04/2024 10:23

Sunnyshore11 · 01/04/2024 10:16

@Mummame2222 the holiday is booked and it does require a letter it's not the route I want to go down but whenever I try to have a conversation he is very hostile.
@Zonder I've fully encouraged a relationship I don't even take maintenance from him as I would rather he spent the money on her when he has her. I've actually tried to get her to give him a chance as when we were married I did most of the parenting alone.

You were married? Do they have the same surname? Out of curiosity what country are they going to, because I’ve never heard of a situation like that where he would require a letter from you. He could take you to court and likely win as there’s no official allegations or concern for her safety.

It sounds like you want a less formal, nice coparenting relationship with him. It doesn’t seem like he wants that and would rather you keep to your own time and him to his.

I really do feel for you because you sound like a good hands on Mum. I get that you want her to have a good Dad and for him to parent a bit better but that really is out of your control, and like I said, she’s not I danger so I don’t think there’s anything anyone will do.

Hibye23289 · 01/04/2024 10:25

Yeah he sounds shit and I'm not sure why people are sticking up for him. It sounds boring as hell for your daughter too

Christmastree455555 · 01/04/2024 10:26

I think you just need to look objectively about it… imagine the courts stance- you refusing as what he tells you they do isn’t accurate, he said they were going out and they stayed in. id personally seek legal advice if you are going down that route as I think they’d say no case to stand on

Original poster
Sunnyshore11 · 01/04/2024 10:32

I understand what people are saying and I actually think I sound a bit bonkers as well. However I've had this for a year now with various things were he's just awkward for no reason and tells lies that he doesn't need to. So I suppose I'm worried about letting my seven year old go to a different country alone with him especially when at times she's had to come home early because she's hated being with him that much.
She did ask to come home the second day she was there this time but he told her they were doing lots of nice stuff so she said she would stay..all lies.
I just don't want her being upset in a foreign country as there's no way I could get to her.

OP posts:
Hibye23289 · 01/04/2024 10:37

@Sunnyshore11 I get you OP

Mummame2222 · 01/04/2024 10:37

Hibye23289 · 01/04/2024 10:25

Yeah he sounds shit and I'm not sure why people are sticking up for him. It sounds boring as hell for your daughter too

No one sticking up for him. He sounds shit. But the court system isn’t set up for that in this country and it could cause a lot of heart ache for all in involved with no possibility of the outcome OP would like for her DD.

Christmastree455555 · 01/04/2024 10:40

Hibye23289 · 01/04/2024 10:25

Yeah he sounds shit and I'm not sure why people are sticking up for him. It sounds boring as hell for your daughter too

It’s just managing expectations, noone said he’s dad of the year however it’s just being realistic about the possible outcomes

Original poster
Sunnyshore11 · 01/04/2024 10:46

I agree realistically she's not in danger physically he's lazy so doubt would take me to court he's more likely just to go without her.
It's a lovely opportunity for her to have two foreign holidays and I appreciate in this climate she's very lucky.
So I don't want to stop that but as I say this holiday period when she's been with him has done nothing to calm my anxiety about her being away in a foreign country without me.
I would rather have no holiday than have her distressed for a week.
Some people have suggested that I see how it goes this summer and then assess after that but it's hard to do when he can't manage anything for ten days in this country without lying all the time.

OP posts:
PoochiesPinkEars · 01/04/2024 14:04

She's not lucky if she isn't keen to be there.
Most 7yo would only get a lot out of a foreign trip if the company they are in are secure people and connecting with them... 'being abroad' isn't the greatest factor at that age (fun though it is if you're in good company).
He sounds very dysfunctional, and what 7yo wants to spend time with dad's - girlfriend's. -parents who she presumably barely knows if said gf is new.
Her gut is probably telling her things don't feel right/her dad isn't actually interested in her company... If so, it's not strange she's not keen on going.
I wonder how well he even knows the parents if the gf. 🤔

I don't know what your legal position is, but anyone taking my child for a number of days where I don't actually know for sure where they are in case something happens is not ok.
Constant lies are not ok - what you're describing isn't just normal 'something came up so we did something different'.
Personally, especially since you said he'd likely just go without her, so wouldn't really affect his plans, I'd stop her going. If he did the same in retaliation, I just wouldn't go abroad for a while, I'd rather work round that than have her in the care of this feckless liar.

PoochiesPinkEars · 01/04/2024 14:08

You sound very reasonable and balanced in your stance towards him and your concerns over his behaviour op.
If you haven't already, you should start keeping a diary of all your communication and outcomes, both good and bad, recording it and being able to see the pattern over time might come in handy should things get difficult.
He lied to DD to make her stay - effectively conned his own DD! Wow. If I was 7 and my dad was doing this to me I'd be wary and uncomfortable too.

Reugny · 01/04/2024 14:20

Sunnyshore11 · 01/04/2024 10:22

As I've said I know it can work both ways but would be willing to let him take me to court as I feel my concerns are genuine.

Keep away from Family Court.

If you do then you both just have to put up with his BS for 3-4 years and during that time she will see him for what he is. If she then decides around 10-12 years old she is fed up of being dumped on random babysitters and she can refuse to go stay with him for any length of time, and you will be able to enforce that. (He can go to Court but her opinion will be listened to. )

if you go to Court about a 7 year old then she won't be allowed that choice as he will get what he's asked for in order to maintain a relationship with her. He also won't be made to tell you what he gets up to when he has her.

NaiceUser · 01/04/2024 18:07

Mummame2222 · 01/04/2024 09:56

You can’t stop him.

He sounds like a shit Dad but unfortunately you have no say in what he does during his parenting time as long as she’s not in danger.

How long is she with her Dad when you call every other day? Some people really dislike this, I’m not sure I’d like it if it were my ex doing this.

She absolutely can! Safety of her child comes first before his 'rights' and that is further cemented if DD doesn't even want to!

Original poster
Sunnyshore11 · 01/04/2024 18:08

Hi all thank you for your messages . I don't want the court route as I don't want her being dragged through any more unpleasantness than she already has been. I've also been told she wouldn't be listened to but as she gets older her opinion would count @Reugny and this is something in the future that perhaps she will decide for herself.
@PoochiesPinkEars yeah I've tried to be reasonable as I feel that the issues are between us and shouldn't involve her but as you've said the lies are a constant concern and I have thought that I'd rather not go abroad if she gets distressed over going with him
The diary is a good shout and I had thought of doing this so will start now .
The random babysitters is another huge bone of contention as I don't know them ,however he's been with the girlfriend around the same amount of time as we've been apart ( a year) so he does know them. I've pulled him on this before and he said she hadnt been with them (more lies) so I suspect he will do the same this time around and say they were at girlfriends house🙄
It's so hard to negotiate what is truth and what is lies .
Thank you again for the advice x

OP posts:
NaiceUser · 01/04/2024 18:10

@Sunnyshore11 Don't let him take her. Especially if she doesn't want to go. You're worried for a reason, follow your instincts

Original poster
Sunnyshore11 · 01/04/2024 18:12

@NaiceUser no if she doesn't want to I would never ever force her .

OP posts:
NaiceUser · 01/04/2024 18:16

Sunnyshore11 · 01/04/2024 18:12

@NaiceUser no if she doesn't want to I would never ever force her .

Also, don't rely on just not giving him the letter because people who happily lie through their teeth, will also have no qualms about faking a permission letter. Food for thought. He could easily say "Yeah we've cancelled the holiday so I'll just take her to my place for the week as planned" then bugger off straight to airport with his faked letter of permission