To feel like my children don’t like me?

[notsosuremyself1]

I know everyone’s going to say it’s because I’m their safe space but I’m not sure this is true. I feel bad saying this but I’m not sure I liked my own mum much and now history is repeating itself

How old are they and how does this ‘dislike’ show itself.
Why did you not like your own mum?
I’m sure this can be improved with the right intervention.

The eldest is 3. He used to love me and now really doesn’t. I don’t really want to get into details.

He’s only very little. He barely has any opinion or you as a person that is separate from himself.
You can share as much detail as you choose but no one can really help or give and opinion with the little info you’ve given.

Oh mine have always been through phases of not liking me. I've also gone through phases of not particularly liking them as well ( you can love someone but not particularly like them at times before I'm shot down lol)

Tbh I really couldn't get stressed /excited over this They're my children not my friends

What's your relationship like? Do you feel close to your dc?

It’s frustrating as I book activities he’ll like. I cook healthy meals. I ensure we have a routine. But all of that gets me hated 😂

They are 3 and younger. I’m not sure how this hate can manifest itself. If you want any advice you need to give a few more details.

What does he do that makes you think he hates you?

Who does he go to when he's ill?

Are you sure he's not just asserting himself as a separate human? I'm no expert on child development but it sounds like the age for that.

My DC are almost grown up and we have often gone through phases that feel like this. I usually come to the conclusion that it's because they are wrapped up in their own world and taking me for granted. It's not that they don't love me, it's more that I'm the facilitator of all the interests and friendships that consume their headspace. It's important that they see you as a real human with needs of your own, otherwise you feel like a doormat. Even things like 'Mummy's feeling tired and needs a cup of tea and a sit down before we do your puzzle' helps them to realise over time that you are a person, not just their helper robot. Things have improved since I started sharing my feelings more.

How on earth does a 3 year old know hate?, you sound like you need to seek professional help

You can easily count your child's age in months because he is tiny. His brain isn't wired to hate anyone and certainly not his mother. He is just realising he is an autonomous individual and is exploring what that means. His behaviour isn't nuanced like an adult and his ability to process emotion is basic.

Did you have postnatal depression, OP?

Is it just that he doesn't like being told what to do so that when you're trying to make him do something sensible and he wants to do something silly then he rebels?

Your kids don't have to like you. That's not to say it's fine to be unreasonable or nasty, but the job of being a parent is being a parent, not to be liked. It's not a popularity contest.

That's especially true when they're three years old. They'd love you to pieces if you give them everything they want, but everything they want isn't always good for them.

Dad usually. He’s not one to really go to anyone when ill though. Mostly just gets very angry.

@StormySpanielz - tbh the ‘inverted commas’ in the first response made me feel a bit stupid so I’ve been a bit reticent as a result.

What makes you think he hates you? Of course he finds you annoying sometimes, because you stop him doing some of the things he wants to do and he is too young to know that this is in his best interests.

I think you need to look at this in a different way. You are not there for him to like you; you are there to parent him - sometimes that will mean he likes you, sometimes it won't. But that does not mean you are doing not doing a good job.

I think you are projecting your feelings about not having got on with your own Mum - but there may have been good reason; and we tend to remember the rifts that adolescence can bring. And your guilt - a bit of you seems to feel that you deserve to have your child hate you, so are interpreting the normal behaviours of a 3 year old as abnormal.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you really do need to be the grown up here - to assume that your role is not to seek to be liked or loved, but to stand back and do the right things for your child's benefit. The traffic is all one way to begin with - in other words your role is to give and not to expect the reward of his love - hopefully that might come later.

Make quite sure you tell him you love him every day without fail.

3?! 😳

I thought you were going to say 18 plus!

Massively, massively overthinking.

I apologise if I hurt your feelings that was not my intention. How you feel is how you feel but it is important that you understand that your children are too little to know what dislike is.
He loves you.
He is however, 3 and is therefore going to possibly react negatively in lots of scenarios such as mealtimes, bedtimes, getting dressed etcetc
He is NOT purposely being mean to you.

I do @Mischance but it does hurt. And it makes parenting v difficult as my role is the bad guy.

He doesn't dislike you. If he's being a PITA it's because he's 3 and most 3 year olds are a PITA.

Are you too strict and controlling?
If not, then don't worry about it. Just make sure you show lots of affection and have some fun with your dc and then be firm when you need to be.

Do you think you may be projecting here? I think you may need to discuss with somebody your relationship with your mum?

I’m just being moody I think. It’s been a tough Easter!

Young children can't hate you. They are just ego centric and don't have empathy or the ability to think of others above themselves. It's developmentally normal to get so much pushback that it can seem hurtful.

I recognise this one!

Because my OH was a doctor and worked ridiculous hours, it tended to be that he came home and was the "goodie", doing jolly things with them during the short time he had with them, and I was the "baddie", who bore the brunt of the disciplining and the general hard graft of being a parent. But it all evened out over time. Hang on in there; and remember that they do not hate you!