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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas Plans + troubles planning

26 replies

GreenFinch12 · 31/03/2024 21:34

DP (26M) and I (25F) have been together for four years now, and lived together for 3 years. How do I approach spending Christmas with my side of the family?

He always just assumes we spend Christmas with his family as he sees them less, but he really only sees my family because they do us lots of favours (quite often give us lifts to places as we don’t drive, hopefully soon when our hours at work change and are more sociable, we can see them for actual days out). I already feel like a terrible daughter as I don’t spend the time with my family that I want to, we do genuinely see them only when they’re doing us favours at the moment due to hours clashing with our works. Whereas we spend much more quality time with his. I very much know we can spend Christmas apart, but I know my parents would be hurt if I’m there and he isn’t (we’re all very close, very much son-in-law to them, as I am DIL to his), and I don’t want them to feel anymore taken advantage of anymore than I’m probably making them feel.

Essentially, I really want us to spend this Christmas with my family, but I know he’ll be upset not to be with his (and upset I’m not there as either way, I will be joining my family this year), however I really do think it’s time he spends at least one Christmas Day with my family. He’ll say we see my family much more, but it’s because they help us, we don’t go on days out like we do with his family, and therefore have to see his family at Christmas as it’s probably one of 4(?) times we’re all together with them in the year. However, it’s also one of the only times we’d see my brother and SIL as they live abroad (his family live 40 mins and 2.5 hours away by train). Everything else is absolutely fine, just this one thing I wish I could approach but know it’ll make him upset at the thought, however also a big shove to my parents who do so much for both of us and don’t get much back at the moment, also the fact im so sad we both don’t see them, and would be upset at the thought of him not joining after me missing my family for his 4 Christmas’s in a row?

sorry for the long post, but AIBU to think he should spend Christmas Day with my family just once? Or am I just being whiny.

OP posts:

Rosesanddaisies1 · 31/03/2024 21:37

If you’re in a committed relationship, you have to take turns. Also; it’s March. Why not see nearer the time!

Devilshands · 31/03/2024 21:39

It’s March?! Literally nine months away.

I’m sure your parents would rather see you alone on Christmas Day (i.e without him) than not see you at all tbh. You’re an adult. Tell him you’re spending Christmas Day apart…but maybe wait until October since it’s March…

Original poster

GreenFinch12 · 31/03/2024 21:40

We very much are & that’s my thoughts. I just feel that 4 Christmas’s with his and 0 with mine isn’t really fair!

I’d love to wait until nearer the time but his family like to go away and book late spring and he automatically signs us up so want to have this conversation before the inevitable. Just unsure how to approach as know it’s important to him (but is also important to me!).

OP posts:

Original poster

GreenFinch12 · 31/03/2024 21:45

Devilshands · 31/03/2024 21:39

It’s March?! Literally nine months away.

I wouldn’t want to be thinking about Christmas in March at all! Only on my mind as he & his family usually book to go away by end of May and automatically pay in advance for us!

of course parents would, I just think it’s something he should be doing at least once for the next few years & also know they would be quite upset as he is very much another son to them. As said, I’m going either way with my parents, just think he should join as I’ve done what he wants the past few years but not sure if that’s unreasonable and I’m just being dramatic.

OP posts:

MugLove · 31/03/2024 21:47

What you're suggesting is completely reasonable. I wouldn't pussyfoot around- just tell him that you'd like to spend Christmas with your family and it would be great if he would join you.

beetr00 · 31/03/2024 22:02

@GreenFinch12 this is your decision to make.

Just let him know that this year you're spending Christmas with your family.

When you're married, some sort of compromise is usual.

TimesChangeAgain · 31/03/2024 22:07

Of course it’s not unreasonable! FFS, why wouldn’t you get an equal part in the decision making as him? You are every bit as important in this relationship as he is. Don’t be a doormat.

jeaux90 · 31/03/2024 22:12

Just tell him it's what you are doing. He can join you or go with his. Honestly this shouldn't be hard and if you feel you are walking on eggshells around things like this it is not a good sign.

AdoraBell · 31/03/2024 22:14

Take turns. One year your parents/one year his parents/one year just you two.

LeafRed · 31/03/2024 22:16

As you are hoping that at least one of you will learn to drive then this is surely just a problem for this year. Let him know now that you want at least this Christmas to be spent with your family.

How it works for us, we are 1 hour away from the people who host Christmas on both sides as they live in the same town. We visit one family for Christmas lunch, the later drive 20 minutes to our other family and have a small buffet style dinner. We spend roughly the same amount of time with both sides. Our siblings have also arranged to see their other sides of their families around this Christmas day.

Both Christmas eve and boxing day are ours to stay home with the children and spend time together just the four of us. You can always choose not to make it about one day, when I was a child we spend Christmas eve with one Grandma, Christmas day just us, boxing day with the other Grandma. You make it what you want but stop being made to only spend it with his family.

Crumpleton · 31/03/2024 22:16

If you know that his DP's book to go away relatively soon now is the perfect time to say that you won't be joining them and it would be lovely for your DP's to have you both join them this year.

Maybe suggest spending some time with them in the summer instead.

LizHoney · 01/04/2024 04:01

I'd be firmer than PPs are suggesting. This time it's your parents' turn. You will be there and he should too. You could mention all the favours they do him, but actually it's just about fairness. He's being very, very selfish.

Codlingmoths · 01/04/2024 04:18

I’d expect him there. I’d tell him we need to spend Christmas at my families for a change and from now on I want to alternate yearly.
him: but we see your family all the time.
you: that’s because they are helping us, you are punishing my family for helping us which is exactly the wrong approach to take to relationships and pretty upsetting since they are my family. But I can fix that, you had better stop accepting any rides from them since that seems to make you think they don’t deserve any of your social time. I will go to events on my own, you can stay here and think it will be great to see Xs family at Christmas since I never see them anymore now I stopped taking endless favours.

that seems pretty black and white to me!

MariaVT65 · 01/04/2024 05:14

You just tell him you want to spend xmas with your family. That’s it, not unreasonable.

I know some people think this is weird, by my DH and I always spent xmas apart up until we had kids. This was 3 years of dating and then 1 month after getting married.

NalafromtheLionKing · 01/04/2024 05:22

I think you should alternate years unless there is a drip feed here. Are his DPs paying for you to go on a fun holiday over Christmas each year? (If so, that would be a tempting arrangement to keep).

Disasterclass · 01/04/2024 05:55

Where you spend Christmas shouldn't be related to who you see through the year. Christmas is something separate to me. Also could he not see his family more during the year?

We also had separate Christmas' with our own birth families pre kids. I think you either need to alternate or do them separately

Pickled21 · 01/04/2024 06:03

I don't like the fact that you are even considering that this makes you 'whiny'. In a committed relationship that has a future both parties have to compromise and you should have established that boundary from the outset. We alternate special events between inlaws and my parents every year.

mmgirish · 01/04/2024 06:38

If I were your friend I'd be deeply concerned that you didn't want to raise this with your partner. Why are you so afraid of upsetting him? Is he abusive? Or controlling? Just tell him you want fairness for special occasions. If he is upset by that then maybe he is controlling.

Ioverslept · 01/04/2024 06:42

Unless you both agree on spending all Christmases with the same family for some reason, you should take it in turns or go alone.

GRex · 01/04/2024 07:13

Just saying you'll go to your family is not what you actually want. Tell him what you actually want, which is both of you to go to your family for Christmas. I don't understand why it's even a question in your mind about whether it's reasonable to tell him what you want. It's either an issue with your relationship where he selfishly gets everything he wants, or an issue with your ability to speak. I would think the former, because DH and I always just assumed we would alternate, and it seems very selfish for him to have never suggested it.

We see both our families at Christmas, because we arrange a Christmas meal in the week after Christmas for whichever side didn't see us. If his family know in advance, they might book the trip for early January if they particularly want him there.

trisky · 01/04/2024 07:15

My sister's DP is like this so she spends one year with him and his family and the next just her with us.

It would be nice if he came too but this is just the way he is, and he only sees his family a couple of times a year.

Shoxfordian · 01/04/2024 07:24

I'm surprised you've not had this conversation sooner tbh, but you need to have it now - say you'd like to do alternate years or host yourselves to invite everyone

LetItGoHome · 01/04/2024 07:33

I think you need to stop procrastinating and tell him the plans will be different this year. Have a conversation with him about it. He hasn't actually done anything wrong yet as you haven't given him the chance.

GreatGateauxsby · 01/04/2024 07:34

Whatever happens make sure YOU spend christmas with your family even if it means not spending it with him.

You've made a rod for you own back spending it with his every year... I'm not sure why you'd do that when you werent dating very long.

Pre-marriage most people spend ot with their own and post marriage they tend to alternate or host. Now is the time to decide.

Also worth discussing now what happens in the future if/when you are pregnant / have kids.
Traisping from london to rural scotland in awful weather at 8m pregant is not my idea of a good time. (This happened to a friend and she hated it and was terrified of going into labour)

Mrssheepskin · 01/04/2024 07:38

The majority of people I know who are married/living together take it in turns to see their parents. Surely that’s the only fair way. You need to insist. Or else just go to yours this year.

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