Male attention and self-worth

[raws]

What do you do when you come out of a long relationship in your late 30's and realise that as far as men go, you are now invisible in comparison to the thousands of glossy 20-something year old influencer types that they now have access to thanks to online dating?

This has felt particularly difficult because in my teens and twenties I was considered conventionally attractive and used to get a lot of attention for not doing very much. Now when I'm out and about there are no second glances, no in-person approaches, and when online dating I'm always left with the impression that I'm a stop-gap until something better comes along. This is despite there being lots of chemistry, good conversation etc. It's like they want to hedge their bets. I keep myself in good shape, look after my skin and hair etc, wear nice clothes. It's not that I suddenly look like a different person. I still look like me, but 15 years older.

To be very clear, this is not a pity-post. Nor is it a humble-brag about how I used to be attractive, or a girl-on-girl hate post about the 20-something year olds, or an invitation for ideas of how I can make myself more attractive to men.

Last night I was in a beautiful restaurant having dinner alone and, whilst I could have been enjoying my meal and my surroundings, I was completely consumed by these thoughts and feeling pretty low and hopeless. My self-esteem has taken a real battering now that I'm dating again and finding it so much harder than in my early 20s. Around me were lots of couples laughing and chatting, and I felt so lonely and unwanted. I feel like a failure for not having managed to sustain my marriage, or "secure" a new partner. Honestly, I feel very unlovable right now.

This is not how I want to live. I don't want to be comparing myself to younger women all the time. I don't want my self-esteem to hinge on whether men find me desirable. I DO want to meet someone special, but with modern dating being the way it is I also want to find a way to come to terms with the fact that that might not happen, and to be OK with it. Or BETTER than OK with it, even! I need to give myself a real shake, and I'm wondering if anyone here has been through something similar and has any ideas, advice or life lessons that helped them reframe things?

I think that when I was a kid (the 90s) there were a lot of unhealthy messages being passed to young girls that the way to be successful in life was to bag a man and make men like you, and despite being a very independent fully grown woman who considers herself a feminist, this is proving quite difficult to shake off.

I think there might be a little something in your attitude, and I mean this quite kindly. You say you feel like a stop gap- but have no real basis for this. Do you think your lack of confidence means that you are waiting for these good men who are genuinely interested to move on? Rather than getting too invested you are protecting yourself from harm- but then the relationships are going to fizzle out because you are not coming across as keen?

Yes there are some men your age looking for younger women- but there are a fair few who have got their heads screwed on right and find a women with her shit together attractive. These are the kind of men you want to find anyway.

Be interesting and do try ‘stuff’ and be interested in them.

All I know of you is the insecurity you have about ageing.

What stories and anecdotes could you tell me. What have you done that can spin a good yarn?

Socialisation has done quite a number on you OP.

Your personal self worth is not based on your relationship status or how attractive you are.

I mean this kindly but your low self esteem is the issue. You are 30 something and by your own admission you were very attractive (and there's nothing wrong with admitting that). I can pretty much guarantee you are still very attractive now but for whatever reason you don’t feel it.

Coming out of a long relationship is unsettling and unmooring. You lose your comfort and a sense of what attracted others to you. You have to let yourself grieve the relationship and take time to reorient yourself to who you are and what you want.

Stop comparing yourself to other people, it’s an absolutely meaningless comparison. Work on getting to know yourself and what makes you tick. Your worth to another person is never going to be measured in terms of whether your skin is slightly less elastic than a 20 something. Not to anyone worth letting into your life anyway.

I found a lovely partner after the end of a marriage when I was 15 years older than you. There’s someone for you if you want them but fixating on your shortcomings is never going to make you happier or more attractive.

It honestly doesn’t sound as if you are ready to date yet.

I get you.

I am 53. Used to turn heads. Coming out of a 22 year marriage.

The dating pool is much smaller. But I certainly don't think 20 something glossy, svelte women are going for all older men. And many men are not looking for 20 somethings at all.

We don't know if you will meet anyone special ever again. Maybe you will. Maybe you won't. Don't rush it though. And it really isn't the end of the world if you don't.

The thing is, if you start dating and your self esteem gets battered by the bear pit that OLD is - which it is for everyone! - because some dreadful characters out there treat you disrespectfully, then you're going to take it very hard and take a while to recover.

And worse still, you will start to accept poor behaviour from men because you're worried you will be left alone without one. The scarcity complex.

In the meantime, really cliché, but start doing stuff you now have time for. Enjoy exploring new interests. They will always be there. Do different things. Have some fun. And base your sense of self worth on other values. Not your appearance.

Hi OP, I can relate to most of what you said, I was in my early 40s when "it" happened. And felt completely lost and unsure of my place in the world.

A dog saved me! Best thing I ever did. I live in overalls now and do minimal grooming because I spend a large amount of time rambling out in the fields with the dog. Who is a truly excellent companion.

As well as the dog, I thought about what interested me as a child, before the female socialisation had taken over too much. That's a good place to start.

I'm happily single now - I feel like I've done me time as far as relationships go and fancy some time on my own.

Best of luck OP

You're still young. I'm 39 and not single but get a lot more attention from men now than I did in my 20s. I dress better, take care of my skin and feel more confident and have developed my own interests over the years.

I've never had any male attention at all, so don't find it any different now that I am older and even uglier. I guess, a silver lining.

I was quite shocked when my 42 year old male friend said he will not consider anyone older than 30 as a partner, as they just feel too old to him. He is quite eligible himself, so probably has the pick of the crop - it was still a bit weird to hear it laid out like that in black and white.

He doesn't sound like the pick of the crop to me. Gross. Let's see if a 30 year old actually wants him. It's all very well for him to say that.

He does have quite a long line queuing for him, to be honest - he is a good looking millionaire, almost stereotypical romantic comedy main character type. I don't think he'll settle though, so I take all his complaints with a grain of salt.

I came out of my marriage in my 30’s, had great fun dating but did not find anyone I wanted to spend all my time with. I worked on myself, got hobbies, made new friends and am now happier on my own than I feel I ever would be in a relationship. I don’t feel it’s hard to find men to date but I do find it hard to find a man I would want to spend more time with as I like my own space now. I’m now considering getting a dog and giving up on dating completely.

I don’t look at other people coupled up and with I was them, most of them are probably not as happy as they look. I am happy to eat out alone or with friends. I don’t feel my age effects dating really, yes I’m older (42 now) but I don’t find it hard to find men willing to take me out.

whilst I could have been enjoying my meal and my surroundings, I was completely consumed by these thoughts and feeling pretty low and hopeless

Well done on recognising this, it is the absolute nub of the problem to be solved.

Build up your self esteem based on your own values and self worth, how you treat yourself as well as how you deal with other people.

Everything else will stem from this. It is a precious gift you can give yourself, one which will transform your life and which can never be taken away from you. Unlike the beauty which was great while it lasted but held the seeds of decline by encouraging you to compare yourself to others.

I mean this very kindly, it's best to absolutely give up that kind of comparison. Find something different to look for if you can't just leave it. Look for the beauty in everyone you see.

Start by finding what you are interested in and find out more about it. The subject is entirely up to you, the ball is completely in your court to choose and follow up to you to find something. You don't have to get it right first time, enjoy the process of finding your interests.

Not easy, but very very simple. Good luck

He’s 42 and not settled down. He might have a queue round the block, but no one seems to be sticking around 😂

Late 30s is absolutely nothing, I don't mean that to sound patronising as I understand how it feels, but it isn't.
Society would have us believe that every single 20 something is walking around effortlessly beautiful with an undeniable glow, but it's really not the case.
I'm in my 30s and when I look back at photos of my friends and I in our 20s, we just look.. younger. That's it, not prettier, not better in any way, just younger.
There's nothing at all wrong with caring about how you look, would you consider investing in Botox/fillers if it makes you feel better?

Don't feel that you have to value yourself for everything except how you look. Nobody wants to feel that they look like a bag of shit but it's ok because they're a good person and are intelligent.

True. I think he's of the type who will play around until 50s, and then suddenly settle down almost randomly and have kids super quick. Still a good friend though, it just was the discussion that was very fresh in my mind as we literally discussed it on Friday.

There’s a real difference between someone in their late 30s or 40s being single because they’ve come out of a long term relationship and someone who has never left the dating merry-go-round. This man doesn’t sound like a catch, and actually I would say is the sort of person the OP should stay well clear of. In fact I would suggest he only dates women sub-30 because most people older are dating with intention and wouldn’t put up with him.

OP, there are some good men out there- look at the bonfire approach to dating. Be ruthless- if they aren’t right move on. Only date people who make you happy and be honest about yourself. I for example take my dog on dates - he comes pretty much everywhere with me- if a date thinks it’s weird, fine…but we aren’t going to get on if he expects my dog to be left at home at the weekend. In my 20s I was all about creating a good impression, now just out of a 10 year relationship I am more about letting men know what they are in for- if they like it that’s great…if they don’t- that’s fine I’d rather know early and not waste my time.

I came out of a relationship at 42 and never met anyone since or had sex since. I’m now 49. It has been liberating for me. Men don’t look at me, but I don’t look at them either. Being free from the male gaze allows me to navigate life freely. I also used to receive lots of male attention right up until my early 40s.

It’s just me and my children now. But I have both a wide circle and a close circle of friends. Autonomy. Comfort. The positive camaraderie of a new way of living. You really, really don’t need to measure anything in men.