To feel angry my narcissist sister has isolated me?

[Questions124]

I’m the youngest of three daughters and all my life my eldest sister has tortured me. I was the weakest of the siblings, I know sisters fight but my parents never got involved. She is 12 years older than me. I remember going into school as a 6 year old with a black eye and spilt lip as my 18 year old sister had an anger outburst and took out on me. I was always prepped before hand by my mum to say I fell of my bike etc. school never picked up on anything. I was severely beaten and abused by her but she could do no wrong, it must have been “something I said to upset her” so it was always my fault. The middle sister had a small amount of this too but never to the extent I had as she would fight back. I remember being terrified one time when I was very small as she kept shouting “I’m going to fucking kill you you little bitch”. I was always terrified but my family even to this day make me feel It was normal.

anyways that’s just a small snippet of the past, maybe I’ll write more another time but back to the present moment. Her daughter, so my niece, has taken over where her mum left off and makes my life hell. We get invited to no family functions as she forbids it. She’s made whole family stop talking to me. I have 2 young kids who are left out of everything. Before anyone says “do you really want your kids to be part of this family” my answer is yes I do, they miss out on my middle sisters events and parties too as my sister is too scared to go against the family, my kids are always asking about their cousins. DH is only child so it’s only my side.

I’m so angry at her and her daughter. I fantasise sometimes they both would die. My family overall if these two weren’t on there be quite nice. When it’s just my parents and middle sister we have so much fun

Am I bu to feel lonely and isolated? I feel so alone. I wish my family were better than this. How can one psycho (well 2 now) cause this much upset. Her daughter is 25 years old. I hate them both so much. I’m in my 40’s and just can’t take anymore.

Yes I have called her out many times. She just cries and gets everyone to feel sorry for her. My middle sister has told me she sees everything and knows excactky what’s going on and has tried to talk to mum but nothing changes.

See my post above… I tried to talk to my mum, many times. She knew my brother was ‘awful’ but she didn’t want to tackle it and talking to me about it properly would have meant acknowledging the misery he caused. My stepfather really disliked my brother but my mum put it down to jealousy - which positioned herself in a more favourable light, in which the men in her life vied for her attention. She also blamed my brother’s wife for his shortcomings…. E.g. He was an inattentive dad, but that was her fault for having children. 🙄

@Questions124 sorry that you have such shitty parents!! were they scared of their oldest daughter??? I, personally, would just be happy being no contact with any of them. they are all batshit crazy! keep your children safe.

Sadly, you were born into a highly toxic family. Their dynamics will never change. This is not your fault.

There is nothing you can do to change any of them. All you can do is remove yourself from their chaos and concentrate on your own healing journey.

Unfortunately it is not going to be possible for you to ever have a healthy relationship with any of them.

You will need time to grieve and to come to terms with never having the family you wanted or deserved.

Do not subject your own children to these awful, toxic dynamics. No good will come of it. This is not the family example you want to set for them. It will cause them untold damage and will serve only to perpetuate the cycle of abuse.

There are lots of people who find themselves in this kind of family situation and who discover that the only way forward for them is to go fully No Contact with their Family Of Origin.

It is a very painful path, but is the first step towards healing and a better future.

Thank you everyone and sorry to those who have/currently having to deal with same issue. I spent today with my husband and 2 kids doing Easter stuff. Logged onto Facebook and saw lots of pictures posted by them. It looks like they having a good time but I know she will probably (or already is) start drinking and starting fights. At least I’m not there to be blamed,

Well that's it Questions124 - you are out of harm's way.

(Thanks for your kind words 💐)

Keep holding on to that thought and enjoy your own lovely family.

Any chance you could rock up to a family party and batter her?
I am only half joking!
You're not kids anymore and it's horrible that she still has this hold over you

I feel for you being on the receiving end of a sadistic narcissist. Anything they can do to hurt you they will try and do. My SIL sounds like a carbon copy of your sister - I thought surely she must be a ‘one off’. About 10 years ago she threw an almighty tantrum and then launched a systemic, viscous smear campaign against my husband and I that lasted a couple of years. People were in her thrall and believed all the twisted, toxic things she said about us. We went absolute NC. Since then she has managed to fall out with a lot of other relatives and friends. Now they look at us in a different light as it dawns on them and that she’s the evil one. We have tried to work her out and how she is the way she is. There’s a lot of favouritism in their family, she was very spoilt and needed to be the centre of attention but maybe lacked love from her parents. I think deep down probably subconsciously there’s a lot of self hatred. We now tend to feel sympathy for her as she is deeply troubled. This has helped us move on. Treasure your own little family unit. We tried to learn from my husband’s parents mistake and to try to be fair with our children and not have favourites. Narcissists are very toxic people. If you have nothing to do with them then she will have to find a new battering ram. You may find in time that your sister will drift back to you anyways - just let her know she’s always welcome but that atm you need time and space to lick your wounds. Take care of yourself

My friend has an unpleasant jealous sister who thankfully lives many miles away. The friend has a lovely family and lots of friends. She is sad about the fracture but just gets on with her life.

Her cousin says that the sister is eaten up with jealousy because the brilliant marriage she thought she had made money wise has evaporated. The husband a dreamer with big ideas well his career has evaporated.

Folks are strange

Therapy is not working it’s actually making me feel worse.

Talk therapy is always great for trauma. Look into trauma release therapies instead like emdr etc

Seeing your update, I think you are being very smart keeping yourself and your children away from people who can cause such harm. I realise you don't want to end your relationship with your parents, but that may be necessary. You are absolutely allowed to protect yourself and your children. Block them all on social media, even your middle sister ( but keep in touch with her via other means) so you're not tortured by the "happy family" crap they're posting. You know it's not true. My older sister did the whole "my family is AWESOME" stuff online as she shoved me out of all family events after our mum died. All these things organised without my inclusion. It was all crap. As soon as she got her fat arse onto a plane back to Canada, she was forgotten about. It HAS put up a barrier between the others and me. They stood by and let her push me out. I won't forget that. And don't you forget WHY you're setting these boundaries. You deserve peace and happiness x

Thank you so much everyone. I’m feeling a lot better today.

I would move far away from your family and start a new life. In another country if possible. You and your kids deserve so much more.

So sorry you were treated so badly op. I agree with some posters that i wouldnt try and build a relationship with your parents, older sister, and niece for your children. Id think the risk is skyhigh that they'd abuse them. Also they'd continue to abuse you.

Hope you can develop a relationship with your middle sister away from them. However I'd be unsurprised if she came under serious pressure to let your children meet your parents, etc and i think you'd have to discuss this, from attempts to pressurise her to them randomly turning up on occasion when your children are with your middle sister.

Best of luck for the future

Can you arrange to do stuff with your middle sister and cousins if you have a positive relationship with them? And stay away from the rest?

The thing is if your kids spend time with your older sister, niece, or parents they are at risk of being abused too (emotionally or physically) I wouldn't want to put them at risk at all. They are better away from them.

Sorry you have been through a horrific time with your family.

If you have time search on the Relationship board for the Stately Home thread (and there are a lot) and they are people who also have been bad childhood.

Your parents are no better than your eldest sister. Id honestly consider going to contact with them as well as her.

At least your other sister calls them out and doesn’t collude

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Keep up with the therapy and I really hope it helps you. Please don't expose your children to your dysfunctional and damaging family. I think further contact with them is only going to be more damaging for you. They won't change and the abuse will continue. I would start by blocking their social media and then you won't be seeing their photos of get togethers.

Op

I understand from experience.

Pause for a minute.

Do you actually want your non damaged small children around your violent drunken bully of a sister all for the sake of a ‘family gathering’ ? Where it will be modelled to them that this is what ‘normal families’ do at Easter and Christmas? And see them bully and harm you? Harm them?
Is this what you want your dc to be exposed to? Having spent so long trying to create a happy loving life for them.

I suggest your sister is playing games, by excluding you from the family successfully she is showing the other members what will happen to them if they dare step out of line. You are the example - the scapegoat. Your children will take your place in time.

Be honest with your children if they ask. Auntie xx is damaged and we won’t be going there. We will have happy Easters here at home - what shall we do x,y or z.

You have to manage your own feelings here and watch out for letting it leak. Family is not the be all and end all. Block them so you can’t see face book or SM posts. Protect yourself from feeling hurt. They won’t be posting photos of the fights. So it is fake anyway.

Meticulously plan Easter and Christmas so you can minimise the feelings of loss and loneliness at this time of the year. Acknowledge and show self care at these times. At least twice a year it may hurt like hell, we all want happy loving families but accept that this is a price worth paying to be away from people that will actively harm your kids.

I would go low contact with the others unless they are prepared to invest in a separate relationship with you and your dc, otherwise they are only adding to your pain and suffering.

One day your children will grow into lovely well adjusted adults with an extended family, all healthy and balanced and you will have your big family gatherings once again but this time in a way that isn’t harmful. In the meantime build a strong community around your life - plan well - keep yourself and children safe.

Stop engaging with them even remotely - cut the bully out. Move on and refuse to ever have them near you again. It’s unforgivable what they did to you. Don’t let them do the same to your precious children and contaminate another generation.

Your parents allowed you to be physically beaten up by your ADULT sister when you were a very young child. Please, please take a moment to think about what that means. Your sister, who was an adult, was a violent abuser who committed criminal offences against you, a small child. And your parents didn't see fit to address that in any way.

That situation was one that should have involved both social services and the police.

I know you feel you 'don't want your daughter to miss out' on extended family but honestly, if I were in your position I would not want my child anywhere near any of your family, including the middle sister, who is just colluding in this whole dysfunctional mess.

You deserve SO much better than to be treated like this, and I'm incredibly sorry that you've had to experience it.

Absolutely thins- why on earth do you want to put your own children in the position you were?