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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family drama/STRESS

24 replies

Bobbieiris · 31/03/2024 08:57

Last year a posted on here for advice about my sister, I’m worried about her mental health as she’s become very isolated and can be verbally aggressive towards strangers….shouting and swearing . She’s in her 40s with 4 kids. To cut a long story short, I tried to talk to her about how worried I was and she was I guess unsurprisingly very aggressive, called me repulsive, a bully and said she hopes when I have a baby it dies and is horrifically abused. Her partner also called me and was extremely aggressive. I was so upset.
i am now 12 weeks pregnant. I’ve avoided going to see family as they all live in the same town and I feel uncomfortable seeing them. I’ve arranged to go back to share the news with friends and to spend time with parents, brothers and sister in law. I know my mum wants my sister and her partner also involved, I feel incredibly uncomfortable about this as I’m worried about what stress would do to the pregnancy. My mum has been pushing for me to let her tell my sister I am pregnant, In the end I said she can tell her once I’ve had the 12 week scan. It was the first thing she mentioned when I told her I was pregnant which upset me . I know this sounds so petty but just the thought of being around them makes me panic and feel stressed, what’s the best way to deal with this? AIBU to want to avoid them for now? I know I’m sounding precious, but I’ve already had stress in this pregnancy with bleeding (all fine!) and I just want to relax with family and friends for a weekend.

OP posts:

Maray1967 · 31/03/2024 09:00

I’m afraid your mother needs to hear a few home truths about your sister. She needs to be focused on your sister’s behaviour not on guilt tripping you. Set down the boundaries you feel comfortable with and stick to them.

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 31/03/2024 09:03

I'd have nothing to do with your sister and tell your mum why

Member984815 · 31/03/2024 09:05

I wouldn't go to see them, I'd invite who I want to see me instead . Your mother can't make you see her

Undeterminedtartan · 31/03/2024 09:07

That's so hard. You already know what you need to do as you mention it in your post - reduce stress and put your new family first. You don't want the baby around the toxicity. Do you have a partner? Can they support you and back you up? What are their family like?

If you can access therapy and set rock hard boundaries with your family. 'Mum, I love you and I want you involved with me and the baby but my priority is this pregnancy. X has done and said things that have caused extreme stress including saying she hopes any baby I have dies. At this point I'm not interested in discussing why she may have said what she said or any mitigating factors. I will not be contacting her during this pregnancy but will revaluate if she makes major changes down the line. I will see you but I dont want to talk about her and I don't want you to pass on any details we discuss. I realise this is hard for you as we are both your children but I've made up my mind. If you arent able to agree then I understand, I take a step backwards for the sake of my baby. I hope you know I love you and this is a decision not lightly taken.'

2Old2Tango · 31/03/2024 09:11

I too would be telling my mother the truth as to what happened, what your DS said, and that her partner called you and was verbally abusive. I'd have nothing to do with them unless they gave a genuine apology for what went before. See your parents and friends separately and keep the negativity out of your life.

What your sister said to you was absolutely vile and personally I would find it very difficult to forgive such comments. Is it her partner that is isolating her?

Original poster

Bobbieiris · 31/03/2024 09:16

I have a partner and he is coming with me luckily. My mum knows everything she said to me. I don’t know, her partner said I need to ask for his permission before I text or talk to my sister, the whole thing has been odd. I know if I try to tell mum how uncomfortable I feel she will just get upset and emotional and refuse to see things from my point of view

OP posts:

toomanyy · 31/03/2024 09:21

You absolutely need to protect yourself and your baby. Don’t be bullied by your mum or anyone else to resume a relationship with your sister. Your sister’s mental health issues are not your concern, she has rejected your help.

Given the horrible things your sister said, it’s possible she sister may seek to harm you and also seek to harm your baby when it’s here.

Don’t prod unstable surfaces, keep well away.

luckylavender · 31/03/2024 09:24

Protect yourself and your baby. Your mother needs to understand and if she can't then don't visit her either.

forrestgreen · 31/03/2024 09:30

If she doesn't see things from your point of view then don't go.
People aren't entitled to see you, invite them to yours? Or send them a text. Doesn't sound like anyone has your back.

PonyPatter44 · 31/03/2024 09:34

her partner said I need to ask for his permission before I text or talk to my sister

There's your easy out, love. Don't contact the partner (who sounds as unwell as your sister), and ask your mum not to, either.

80skid · 31/03/2024 09:44

That sounds really stressful. I understand that you're concerned about your sister, but particularly now, you need to look after yourself. Reaching out to her won't by the sounds of things inspire her to seek help. I think adding stress to your life right now will cause you additional worry, I would suggest leaving her be and not having contact with her right now.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope it's healthy and enjoyable, with a beautiful healthy baby at the end.

MatildaTheCat · 31/03/2024 09:48

I genuinely think I would move away in this situation. Your sister is unwell and potentially dangerous and your mother thinks it’s ok. She may say she doesn’t but her actions speak differently.

Stay away from them and enjoy your pregnancy.

Original poster

Bobbieiris · 31/03/2024 09:52

@80skid thank you 😊 my preference would be to leave her and have nothing to do with her, which most of the time is easy as we live a two hour drive away! But I feel like I’m having to avoid my own parents which is hard! I miss them and feel stuck between a rock and a hard place…they are in their 70s and I just want things to be easy for them! I also want to just have a nice family meal to celebrate mine and partners news and get wish my mum could just accept my wishes

OP posts:

Createausername1970 · 31/03/2024 09:57

"mum, I can't tell Delores, as Humphrey said I was no longer allowed to contact her. You can tell her if you want, but bearing in mind she said she wants my baby to die, I don't actually want to meet with her until she apologises. If this makes it awkward for you, then either don't tell her or don't meet up with me when I visit. I don't mind, it's up to you"

YireosDodeAver · 31/03/2024 09:59

Tell your mum "(sister) said to me that she hopes my baby dies. I will not be in the same room as her and neither will DH/DC until my youngest child is an independent adult, and not a moment sooner. There is no power on this earth that will persuade me not to protect my babies from that kind of malice"

Creamcoconut · 31/03/2024 10:05

Just be honest with your mum, the thought of seeing her makes you panic and stress. So no you don’t feel resilient enough to meet them.

Original poster

Bobbieiris · 31/03/2024 10:10

@Creamcoconut you’re right , I’ve really wanted to honest with her but been so worried about it causing arguments and stress so avoided it. My partner and brother have both said to just relax and play it cool but I’m finding it hard not to stress as so worried about being involved in more aggression or confrontation . I feel being honest is the best option but my partner thinks it will make me look petty

OP posts:

Hecatoncheires · 31/03/2024 10:14

Createausername1970 · 31/03/2024 09:57

OP, you could use this wording. Polite and gets the point across. Your mum knows that your sister is out of order. She also knows that the easy-fix is getting you to sweep it under the carpet. Your partner is very wrong that you will look petty if you tell your mum the truth. All the best to you.

heldinadream · 31/03/2024 10:16

they are in their 70s and I just want things to be easy for them! I also want to just have a nice family meal to celebrate mine and partners news and get wish my mum could just accept my wishes immense sympathy for this wish but gently, it's not going to happen. You have to deal with what is happening, not what you want to be happening. Your sister AND her partner - for whatever reasons of hers/their own illness and vulnerability - are dangerous and toxic for you to be around. You do not have to be around them. If you have to sacrifice your parents' peace of mind in order to do this, and to get them to understand that this is your position on the matter, then so be it. You have a child (or will have soon!) to advocate for now and that's your job from now on. Centre that. Please.

And congratulations, I hope you have a lovely pregnancy, an easy birth, a healthy happy child and your child has a long and lovely and healthy life.
A bit of 'reverse cursing' for you! 🙂

heldinadream · 31/03/2024 10:20

AND your partner and brother are playing this down waaaaayyy too much, have they really not understood how utterly vile your sister has been? Keep telling them.
Bloody hell sending you big love and support OP. Horrible for you to have to deal with this while you're pregnant.

MakeItRain · 31/03/2024 10:23

Absolutely do not meet up with your sister. This the time to put yourself first. I would be gentle but firm with your mum. "Seeing DS would be very stressful for me given what she said and I need to put my health and my baby first right now, so I won't be meeting up with her." Keep suggesting to your mum neutral places to meet up with her and your dad (neutral so that she's less likely to secretly invite your sister.)

Tell yourself every day you are doing this for your baby. Good luck with the pregnancy - if ever there was a time to put yourself first, this is it. 💐

Original poster

Bobbieiris · 31/03/2024 10:42

@heldinadream thank you!! I know they want things to be chilled and also don’t want my mum to be upset, but the thought of having to deal with my sister and her partner as if nothing has happened makes me feel so stressed and upset . I usually think it’s best to be honest but at the moment feel like I’m being pushed into doing what others want just to try and keep everyone happy

OP posts:

GardenGrind · 31/03/2024 11:03

Your sister does not sound like she is on a good place and I feel sorry for her and hope she manages to get help and support. Maybe her DH is not so D and homelife is not great.

But that is a seperate issue to your wonderful news and celebration.
I think you should encourage your mum that they are two different stages in life and shouldn't be combined.

MzHz · 31/03/2024 11:11

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 31/03/2024 09:03

I'd have nothing to do with your sister and tell your mum why

And tell your mum that her lack of support FOR YOU is unacceptable too.

@Bobbieiris your family is not a good one, as hard as it is, you need to face this fact. Your sister isn’t a nice person, nor is her partner and your DM has NOT got your best interests at heart.

back off from the lot of them, look after yourself and your baby and put some distance between you all now.

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