Your own personal values

[Fitdayking]

For brief context I married very quickly and in hindsight did not live together with my now husband before having DD 15. We were madly in love but missed some flags that I should have took more notice.

Fast forward fifteen years, one DD, a house etc together but I constantly find most of our values and that of his family don't align. I won't say too much but the way DH treats people, talks to people, no back bone etc. just really does not align with who I am as a person Nobody is perfect and I'm not, yet I have standards in how people are treated.

Rewind 15 years I am guessing I was blindsided by this and am no paying the price. However, we have a lovely DD, home etc together but we're really not aligned in our expectations, values and who we are as people.

WWYD or what have you done if in a similar position?

Yanbu, can you elaborate more on what you mean the way "dh treats people"

I don't know what you'd do but I do think that values are the backbone of how happy people are in the long term.

The below won't be helpful at all, (sorry!) but is just a reflection on values in my relationship... it's something I think about a lot.

I was single a long time and wasn't looking but through some truly god awful relationships had worked out that if values didn't align along with (wanky term but you know what I mean) love language, then frustration would seep in.

When I then met someone, I spent the first year we were together, almost testing my now husband, which sounds awful but I wanted to know who he really was... and thankfully it paid off. We've had some real adversity in our marriage through long term illness, bereavement etc., and he has proved to be the person I thought he was, which is someone who feels very much the way I do about the important things. It makes hard times easier when you're aligned, and makes the every day, even if a grind sometimes, all ok.

It's something I discuss with my daughter a lot - love isn't enough... You have to love who someone is, not who you think they are...(imo only really shows this, but is a brutal test to go through).

It depends on what those values are and how they manifest. Some people tick along nicely, for some a line is drawn in the sand.

Tbh, you sound done with the relationship.

Thank you all for your replies. The values are more to do with how people are treated, spoken to and considering the other person. For example, I can be poorly and need further medical investigation and no particular care/thought or consideration is given but when that other person is poorly, e.g DH or one of his family members then it is an expectation that I go above and beyond. This is just one very minor example. I admittedly have high standards and personal values but these are my own and appreciate not everyone is wired the same but its frustrating.

I agree for some a line is drawn in the sand and I personally feel this has been crossed many times. Its not the right time to separate at the moment. My DD will have GCSE's soon and seems pointless rocking the boat for something I have tolerated for the past 15 years or so.

Am I wrong?