AITA?

[blondie877]

I have a friend who will call A, we were quite good friends back in 2019, I worked at a pub and he was a regular who became a friend. Last time I saw him (until now) was at a funeral early 2020. We lost touch for the last 4 years

Out of the blue he messages asking to catch up. We had a coffee together, it was pleasant. This was about 4 weeks ago

Ever since he has texted me non stop, all day and all night, every single day. He told me he'd always wanted a relationship with me. I very clearly told him I'm not interested in a relationship.

I began to feel very overwhelmed. 90% of the texts were the usual small talk.

10% red flags:

1. Asking me to say good morning and good night every day
2. If I don't answer for a few hours he will ask me if I'm ok and say he's "worried" which at first I thought was genuine, now I do not
3. Asking me to message when I'm home safe (nice if we're friends but we're not close)
4. Asking what I'm doing constantly
5. If I go out, asking where, what I'm wearing, who with, what we're doing etc
6. Manipulatively asking if I'm on a date (ie. Repeatedly saying "her" and then when I correct it to "him" he will ask if it's a date, and continue to push, eg. "You didn't say it wasn't" type stuff
7. Editing iMessages so he will say "have a nice night with him/her" then change it to "have a nice night"
8. Obsessively asking to meet up, when I can't, saying "I feel like we will never meet"
9. Saying things like "I don't want to lose you" and constantly telling me what a good guy he is

10. Told me he loves me (WTAF)

At one point he assumed he'd hurt me (lord knows why) and said how sorry he was etc, I told him not to be silly, He then implied his mental health was bad, he wanted to unalive himself, said he was crying etc

It all became too much. I had nicely told him I can't cope with constant messages and that I don't even message my best friend this much!

Bear in mind I've seen him for 1 hour in the last 4 years, we're hardly friends

I can't go an hour without him bothering me. I have nicely told him to calm down. He continues. Then he turns it around and says things like "if you don't want to see me you could have just said" (my daughter was in A&E!!! Wasn't like I didn't want to see him!!) "sorry you got bored of me" etc

Today I lost my shit and nicely told him I can't cope. I told him he's manipulative and his assumptions, telling me how I feel and constantly quizzing me on who I'm seeing and where I'm going is causing me too much stress.

I cannot cope. I told him I don't want to speak to him until he's seen a doctor and got some help. He then persists to ask me 7 times if we are still friends (I had said yes every time ffs), continues to ask if we can meet up, it goes on and on. Until I bluntly told him I won't speak to him again until he's seen a doctor. He then sends a few more messages which I've ignored.

My friend says it's toxic and narcissistic and borderline stalker.

I agree.

So why do I feel bad for saying what I said?

aibu: you're a bitch
YNBU: he needs help

He needs help, he’s become a little fixated and thinks if he carries on the conversation that you’ll fall for him and start to date.

You’ve been clear and asked him to stop texting. If he carries on then I’d politely tell him that you will no longer be replying and personally I would block him.

Does he know where you live?

Just text him and tell him it needs to stop and that you’re going to block him now.
Then block him.
Don’t apologize or say you’re sorry.
If he comes round, call the police.
Then call the police - seriously.
Do NOT open the door to him.

I had someone like that once - he ended up in county jail. He threatened to kill me and my family. It’s not a joke, it isn’t funny, it’s mental illness.

OMG!

Run, don't walk.

Block on all channels. Keep the messages, just in case he escalates. Your friend's right.

You feel bad because he's already working your head. If he's screwed up your judgment this much in four weeks, imagine what a wreckage you'd be after four months.

He won't see a doctor, though he may lie to you if he thinks you'll fall for that. What were you expecting, that he'd go to the doc and say "I'm a weird obsessive stalker with extreme controlling tendencies"? He isn't suicidal, he correctly thought the threat would pull your emotions.

Get away while you can.

He's definitely unstable and seems narcissistic to the fullest!

I would tell him to educate himself on the stalking and harassing laws as well as the malicious use of telecommunications law and that he needs to leave you alone now. If he doesn't you will take further action.

This. I'm sorry you went through all that, Dream.

OP - if he manages to contact you with more suicidality, call the police and tell them he's a danger to himself.

Thanks, @Garlicking— I appreciate that.
It was a terrifying, stressful time. I used to stay awake all night looking out the front window with the phone in my hands and the adrenaline on 250% - but then he called two different sheriffs offices & two different city police departments and threatened to kill them too.
They didn’t think that was very funny and they got him for terroristic threats or something. And they gave him a permanent stay-away ban from me — but not before I had to move cities and hide.
It was a whole big fat horrible stalking nightmare.

Genuinely good guys never actually say that they are.
The ones who call themselves good guys never are!
I think you need to block him. Did he show no sign of this obsessive behaviour when you knew him a few years back?
Take care.

Jeez. Please reset your weirdness detector- this one is so dangerous you should have no doubt whatsoever.

This is terrifying, you barely know him and he's acting like this? Tell him straight that you don't want to be friends and you don't want to talk any more and block him. Keep a record of you saying this in case he escalates. I hope he doesn't know where you live.

Block on all channels and if he keeps trying to contact you, call the police.

I would tell him without hesitation to back the fuck off. If he chooses to “misunderstand” this, then Police. I bet he has form.

YANBU. I would block him on every channel, and make sure your social media is set to private. This is not normal. Does he know where you live?

No you are not an asshole and you se not unreasonable. This is clearly a lot to deal with and I think your response in telling him he needs to seek help is correct. Well done for not allowing him to manipulate you. The "are we friends?" "Yes" thing.I'm not sure I'd keep saying yes. I would be at a point where I would say "actually we haven't spoken for years and we could rekindle a friendship (nothing more) but this is too full on and we cannot be friends if you keep being so intense and controlling."

You are not being unreasonable.
Tell him that you don't want a relationship with him, that he is being inappropriate and that you are going to block him - then do that!
If he does know/find out where you live/another way to contact you, and you feel threatened, then call the police - yes, the police are overworked but they have to respond if you are in danger! Sorry you are going through this, and also to anyone else who has had to deal with this sort of thing!

This

Block him. Everywhere.

If he continues trying to contact you or turns up then call the police. He is potentially stalking/harassing you.

This is actually scary to read. Don't contact him, block him on everything. Does he know where you live?