Was I being unreasonable? Truthfully

[ihateheartache]

Hi, I’ve been getting to know what I thought was a lovely feller.

We’re both relatively young I suppose. If that’s relevant.

He knows I’ve had a horrendous past with my ex. I’m quite sensitive. So maybe that’s why I think I might be being unreasonable.

He was asked to go out with friends. But he couldn’t be bothered, I encouraged him to go as I thought he could do with some adult interaction as he’d been sick for weeks.

Before he was going he started saying some things over texts that felt like he was trying to get a reaction out of me. Things like “The fellers he’s going out with will be trying to chat up the young barmaids” & implying I was trying to make him look a certain way so girls wouldn’t find him attractive.

seems so unimportant. I guess it is, but I couldn’t help but think, what is he gaining from saying pointless things like that. I can’t be bothered feeling insecure. Even if it is my own fault for being sensitive. Why say those things anyway? So WIBU to just say, I’m not interested really, it feels quite immature to say those things especially given he knows my past.

Im sorry there’s more to it than what meets the eye but I’m trying to summarise it. I feel so stupid to have let someone in after 13 years. It feels like mind games. I dunno what I’m seeking here. I’m happy to be told I overreacted x

There’s something deeply tragic and vain about someone you’re seeing trying to make a very new girlfriend think he’s some kind of swashbuckling bad boy hanging out with his cool friends, while actually making himself sound like a sex pest harassing bar staff.

Of course Yanbu, OP. It’s like an ick festival.

It's almost like he was put out (as in, offended) that you were trying to encourage him to go out!
Does he want to make you feel insecure? It seems like that's the intention.
And it makes me wonder if he'd make you feel bad for wanting to go out too.
He obviously wants to be the very centre of your universe, and I couldn't be bothered with that.
YANBU. I do think it might be worthwhile to get counselling for past relationship issues though. If unresolved, we can carry the emotional baggage with us into future relationships

Relationships, especially new ones, shouldn't be this hard. Leaving linguistic considerations aside, he sounds a bit childish and manipulative. (What was he wearing to make him unattractive to women? Tartan polyester trousers?) I don't think he sounds like good relationship material.

I was bit bruised after two awful relationships. I met my husband who was wonderful and completely different. He didn't play funny games and he was open and uncomplicated about wanting a relationship. He knew about a few sore spots I had and was very careful about my feelings in those areas. (One of my exes was really critical of everything - he once compared my arm muscle tone to cat jellimeat - I was 24 yeats old and a size 8.)

Thank you. That’s exactly how I feel. Like he was put out & you’re right. I need some sort of counselling/therapy. As this has genuinely hurt me deeply & I feel like I’ve just come away from a long term relationship & it shouldn’t have hurt me that much. That’s probably down to unresolved past trauma.x

I couldn’t even tell you what he was wearing tbh I didn’t see him, I’m just very gutted I’ve let myself get hurt all over again.

Your ex sounds incredibly cruel. I’m happy you got your happy ending though x

Yes he was either trying to have a row. Or he was trying to make you jealous by using misogynistic banter.

Either way not attractive, you don't need a game player op

Thanks everyone for their kind & straight forward advice. It’s such a minor issue that has hurt me massively because I’ve let him in to my heart, after coming out of a long term abusive relationship. Shame when they turn out exactly who they say the weren’t x

he’s used the “it was just a joke” “I need time to think now” pass & it’s made me second guess if I reacted OTT

I think the thing is, what's OTT for his tastes might not be the same as what's OTT for your tastes. There's no objective bar for the level of our reactions/responses to things, so we have to use our own judgement. This is why it's important not to rely on other people's opinions: by trying to live according to what they think is appropriate, you can end up trying to 'be the ideal' them (which they aren't, even) rather than being your actual self.

Unless you think he knows better than you about what sort of jokes should be funny for you, then he can't really correct you on this. If a respectful person makes a joke and it's accidentally hurtful to the audience, they say sorry, they say they didn't realise, and they say they won't do it again. What dick of a comedian criticises an audience for not laughing at their jokes?