To abandon dad with cancer?

[Grapion]

I’m not using hyperbole. It’s genuinely how I feel.

Dad has a very nasty cancer. Surgery and chemo has left him totally dependent . I moved in with him during Covid (just after his diagnosis). He has autism and is very physically disabled. Can’t walk more than 40 metres.

I clean the house, do house admin, wash his clothes and cook his meals. He’s a good father - worked multiple jobs to send me to private school as an example. Blue collar jobs.

I am the only person in his life basically. My siblings come and visit once a week but he has no friends. A facial surgery means he is not able to communicate easily with others.

Im happy with the heavy lifting day to day but sometimes I am just exasperated. I think he has got used to me doing way too much. To the point he will ask me to open mini crereal boxes. When I prompt him to try he will manage it fine.

On days I go to the office, I will make him a lunch and leave it in the fridge. When I come home at around 7pm I will see half of it on the kitchen table. I know he’s not well but It’s exhausting.

On a bad day he will call me 10 times for small things like he’s lost his glasses. They will be on his head.

I have a professional job in financial services (need to be in London 3 days a week.

My siblings do pay for a fortnightly cleaner and physio session.

im 29 and afraid my life is being ruined. At my age my dad was living a very carefree life. Im very resentful.

Perhaps it would be helpful to reframe this from 'abandoning' to: changing this situation to something more sustainable in the long term. This isn't working for either of you.

Is he eligible for any sort of care package, OP? And can your siblings share the load a bit more evenly?
💐 for you both, it’s bloody tough.

Would his finances allow for more brought in care?

Get some carers in, private ones if its his own place and if he is lacking cash, remortgage the property.

Can yout carers in to help? Maybe macmillen can help point you in the right direction.

What you've described is the reality of caring for many people and I know how insanely frustrating it is!!

I agree with the first poster, you need to look at other solutions here - doesn't mean you're abandoning him, but getting in proper help.

Also, I wonder if you mentioned he has autism because you think this is influencing his behaviour. If he needs a more direct approach, can you say 'dad I'm not doing things you can do for yourself without pain or exhausting yourself - opening cereal boxes is up to you'

You sound like you’ve got carer’s burnout. I care for my mum and sometimes feel like this. Tell your siblings they need to step up and do a set day or evening helping. And look into private caters, try to give yourself one day a week minimum where you don’t have to do anything.

How old is he? I’m not in the UK but is there any kind of day centre type place that he could go to? They are usually for older, housebound people to get them out a bit, see other people and do activities, days out etc. He might not like the idea of course!

As others have said, you need to be a daughter, not a carer. Contact adult social services for an assessment. Quote”carer breakdown” to up the urgency.
facilitate, don’t do.
macmillan may be able to help, or your local hospice.
you deserve your life

brothers have suggested carers but I don’t really see what they could do. It’s the incessant neediness that is overwhelming and maybe the messiness but I think I only struggle with the mess on days where he has sucked the energy out of me.

What is his long term prognosis. Is this situation likely to be continuing for an extended period of time?
I have a friend in a similar situation to you. She’s quite a bit older than you though. Mid 40s.
Her dad is unlikely to be with us for more than another few months so she knows that this will not be for very much longer. Heartbreaking but if it was she would have to start looking for different solutions to get her some more help.

I agree with the others, if he had a carer for set hours in the middle of the day when you are at work, they could give him lunch and clear away any mess afterwards. They could help with those little things like loosing his glasses etc
and save him bothering you at work.

You also need to rope in your siblings to do a full day/night to give you a break.

Good luck OP

for the incessant calling get a separate burner phone and change the number in your father’s phone. Then give it to whoever is “on duty” —that might be a paid carer, or your brothers. When you are out at work all his calls and texts should go to that person.

Try carving out on duty and off duty times and respecting them. His demands are infinite and will burn you out.

Carers do all sorts, dress, wash, meals, medication, company they give you a break. The night service from Marie Curie lets you sleep.

That sounds so tough and you're so young. I would look at carers I think it's really important. My dad died of cancer a few years ago and I found it hard when I was in my last 30s..I think you need more support and perhaps speak to your siblings. You don't need to be a martyr. It's lovely that you look out for your dad but you need to look after yourself too.

Definitely try carers - a carer going in once or twice a day may well eliminate the phone calls whilst you are at work, for example and you could get bedtime carers to allow you to go out in the evenings.

Carers are also less emotionally involved and more likely to make him do stuff himself that they know he can do (eg opening the little cereal packets - sounds as if there's a bit of learned helplessness going on there) and will communicate this to you so that you don't do things for him that he's quite capable of doing himself

Have you both been assessed to see what your needs are? You sound like you could do with some respite. Can he go to a day centre? Are you getting everything that you are entitled to? It's tough being a carer. It is relentless and wears you down. You need to look after yourself to be able to look after someone else. Also, it is OK to say you can no longer do it, or need a break for a bit.