Help me reinvent myself

[NewMe2024]

I’m early 40s and have reached a funny inflection point in life. Single, no kids, and going through early menopause so no chance of a late baby either. I used to have a fairly glittering career but was subject to workplace bullying during the pandemic and had to leave my job which resulted in a big step back and awful impact on my mental health. during this time I collapsed with exhaustion and ended up with long Covid + peri symptoms to boot. Following several very low years I have made a good recovery and also started HRT. I now feel masses better in terms of both physical and mental Health.

But my life is nothing like I envisaged at this stage and I need to start creating a new future for myself. In my favour are that I have my own lovely home, a decent job still (I can’t stay in it long term as I really don’t like it, but for now it gives me both good pay and good work life balance), stable finances, good friends and family, good health. I know I am very fortunate to have all these. However I feel cast adrift and want to be more intentional in taking control of my life. I could post on the child free board but it’s not just about that, it’s the whole picture.

If you were me, where would you start??

Firstly I would try to find your passion. Fitness? More study? Volunteer work outside of your job?

What is it that would make you excited - follow that and see where it takes you.

I’d agree with previous poster. Identify what gives you ‘purpose’ in life - what are you interested in or passionate about? Start with that.
Where would you like to see yourself in 2 years time and what would you be doing?

It’s hard to know without knowing what you enjoy doing.
If I personally was in your position, I would love to take up some creative hobbies, spend more time out in nature, travel and see more of the world xx

Thanks for the replies so far. I did have a lot of creative passions when I was younger that have fallen by the wayside over the years. I wonder if there is a way to bring some of that back into my working life… it used to be a huge part of who I am, I trained as an actress when I was young but my work has become more and more conventionally corporate (there is a direct relationship with the financial stability!).

@Bigcoatweather two years ahead is a good timeline. I keep thinking I need to know what direction to take my whole life in and it’s hard to envision at the moment. The outside expectation to be married with 2.4 children feels huge but that’s not going to be my path.

I’d view it as an experiment, focusing on the journey not a goal of the “right life”. Try things out, see what fits, see what doesn’t. Often what we imagine will make us happy doesn’t, but if you’re open to enough things you may well end surprised by where you end up!

I think it’s putting a lot of pressure on yourself to approach this time as “I need to decide what to do with my whole life”. If you know married with kids is not your goal, you have so much time ahead of you to work it all out. Start with small changes, hobbies. You could get involved with am dram, volunteer at a theatre or get involved with teaching in your spare time. You might love it so much you decide to pursue it again as a career. Or you might decide it’s best kept for fun. It’s ok to have a job that pays the bills if all the other parts of your life fulfill you. Equally money is not everything and as a single person, it’s totally possible to live a simpler life to allow you to focus more on your passions.
The world is there for your taking - I’m excited for you! Xxx

try half marathon? running club?

Do you think you would enjoy volunteering with a young peoples drama group or something along those lines?

Do you want children?

Do you want to be creative for fun or career?

Do you want to travel?

Are you fit and healthy?

personally I would look at all your different areas and small steps and decisions on each area. If you want children look at fostering and adopting. My best friend adopted as a single mother at 50. She owned her own house and she adopted a child with trauma aged 2. She’s now 60 and has a 12 year old and has a family. This was her goal and she loves it.

We have a lovely amateur dramatics group and opera group in our village - have you thought about something like that or a choir?

It's so wonderful that you're feeling better now OP. It sounds like you've been through it.

I'd start by reading as many books as I could get my hands on written by women who have changed their life. Two good ones I can recommend are Devorgilla Days by Kathleen Hart and Bella Figura by Kamin Mohammadi.
Both are women who've come through a crisis in their life and make a new future for themselves. It might be inspiring.

Your future sounds exciting. You have all the fundamental stuff sorted and the next stage of your life can be anything you chose.

Thanks everyone, these ideas are helping me to see the future more positively. I like the idea of experimentation / not trying to define my whole life all at once. I think I have been a bit stuck in that loop.

I don’t want to redefine my career altogether (I made a successful change to another discipline that I love) but the effects of the bullying impacted me so hard, personally, professionally and financially. Maybe a silver lining is that I have the opportunity to reshape my working life into something more balanced and creative. I can start to experiment with what that could look like.

I also like the idea of getting very fit. I’ve been trying for a long time but COVID / peri have been exhausting and I think compounded by the impact of the bullying. I’m definitely a lot better now so can start to do more.

I don’t fancy the idea of amateur dramatics for me, but the thought of volunteering to help kids / young adults is interesting. For a childless woman I am weirdly good with kids of all ages.

the other big thing that has come up is adoption. I never thought about doing it later in life, like late 40s / 50s. I’ve done some very light reading on the subject and find the thought quite invigorating. I know it is a huge undertaking (and worthy of a separate thread) but could see myself doing it with the right partner in future. Something to start thinking about.

@Churchview thank you for your kind words. I am downplaying the hard stuff as it’s time to move on but I appreciate what you’ve said. And I love the idea of reading for inspiration!

@nadine90 thank you for emphasising that this can be an exciting time 🙂

Do what makes you happy !

Try a few new things, if you don't like it, try something else

Potentially, you have another 40 years to live

Thanks @7532IcedYoghurtMango my grandparents all lived to late 80s / early 90s which is a big part of why I am thinking long term. I may have another 50 years to go!

You’ve made change during a tremendously difficult period of your life to imagine what’s ahead of you now you’re feeling on a more even keel?! It’s a cliche but the worlds your oyster - start with tiny small things like reading a book or newspaper thsts wholly different to your norm, go to a pot doodle and make yourself a mug or a plate, get on the train and go somewhere you’ve never been - all those joyous things that remind yourself anything is possible. I’m excited for you too 🤩

Hi OP

I'm really interested in this...turned 40 last year and my life is nothing like I imagined it would be...single, no children and I feel a bit lost. I don't really have any particular hobbies or passions and just feel like I don't have much going for me and it feels like I'm existing.

Some great posts on this thread, hope it's the start of a new start for you.

xx

Dear OP,

Coming to this thread very late but I'm really interested as it is very similar to my situation.

I left my glittering career also due to bullying and am struggling to rebuild. I'm trying to find stories of people who have been through similar to help me.

Thanks, Thin Woman's Brain for your kind and helpful response. Sounds like you really know what it's like and can empathise and support xx