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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be moping when my kid's are at their dad's?

18 replies

BookArt · 30/03/2024 13:22

I am the main carer, I've been thinking about all the things I can do when the kid's go to their dad's all week, made plans, was almost looking forward to it. But then woke up this morning and can't get any enthusiasm to do anything. It's only the fourth weekend without the kid's ever.

I've tried thinking why
-Partly because ex is causing so much daily drama in every way possible, yet when he has the children it all goes quiet.
-I'm waiting for the next bombardment of emails that ex will send me once I have the kid's back.
-I miss the kid's so much!
-feel like I'm actually mourning the loss of what I thought our future would be
-I have had tonsilitis for the last 3.5 weeks but feeling so much better today

But I know I should be grateful to have some me time, I know I should get dressed and get out in this sunshine, I know the kid's will come back and we have the Easter holidays together (and I'll be desperate to go to the toilet alone haha!).

Am I a complete idiot to be moping away the weekend? Any tips to get 'used' to this from those of you who aren't at the beginning of co parenting?

OP posts:
Hoglet70 · 30/03/2024 13:42

As a single mum I used to long for a night by myself and then when I did get one I missed him so much I was like a wet lettuce so I hear you. Try and enjoy it though, who knows when you might get the chance again.

MadamVastra · 30/03/2024 13:44

Create a tik tok account and go round the lives riling everyone up?

Go on the lash?

start a pretend drama on here?

this is my best advice

😂

Valhalla17 · 30/03/2024 13:44

Understandable but get out and get some vitamin D on your skin! You'll feel much better for it and it will lift your mood.

Original poster
BookArt · 30/03/2024 13:46

This made me laugh, thank you!

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 30/03/2024 13:46

A friend told me the first few weekends her child was away at Dad's she could do no more than lie in bed. I found I wasn't terribly different! It takes a bit of getting used to. Be kind to yourself.

DimLlaeth · 30/03/2024 13:53

It gets better with time. When i first dovirced, I'd had under 10 nights away from them. They were 3 and 5 years old. I couldn't get out of bed until I'd spoken to them.

It takes a while to get used to being without them. And you'll get used to having time to yourself.

After the first few years, I made sure I had a weekend/holiday once a year. As it made such difference to my mental health. I always took the kids away on my own too, for weekends and cheap breaks. I did most of the parenting as he worked away for long periods.

You'll get used to it, but try and force yourself out to do some of the things you've planned. Once you are distracted, you'll enjoy. Also plan for lovely things you can do when they get back. I used to have a list of things we wanted do while they were with me. Lots of them were cheap and cheerful, but having a plan meant I was more likely to do them.

DimLlaeth · 30/03/2024 13:54

How old are the children?

Ratfan24 · 30/03/2024 13:57

It's hard because when you are busy with the kids it's difficult to build up a social life and interests, so when they are away it can be a bit lonely and boring. I'd look at finding something meaningful to do where you can also meet some likeminded people. Some kind of club or interest group, maybe volunteering.

Ratfan24 · 30/03/2024 13:57

It's hard because when you are busy with the kids it's difficult to build up a social life and interests, so when they are away it can be a bit lonely and boring. I'd look at finding something meaningful to do where you can also meet some likeminded people. Some kind of club or interest group, maybe volunteering.

Original poster
BookArt · 30/03/2024 13:58

DimLlaeth · 30/03/2024 13:54

How old are the children?

1 and 5 years old.

OP posts:
EverybodyLTB · 30/03/2024 14:02

I don’t have this, my kids don’t see their dad, but my friends all mope when their kids go off for a weekend.

If it was me, if I really just couldn’t face going out on the razz, I’d do all the crap jobs that I avoid when my kids need my attention. Maybe set yourself a stop time, say 8pm, and then today do some batch cooking, sort the kids old clothes out, clean their rooms etc so that things run more smoothly for your Easter holidays together and you can just get up and go out with them every day. Listen to podcasts and fill your brain up with things you’re interested in. 8pm stop. Have a hot bath, put a load of lotions and potions on and watch a film. When are they back?

CatCatCatCatCatCat · 30/03/2024 14:05

god I would love my kids dad to have them overnight! However yours are very small so I can understand but I would give my right arm for regular nights to myself 😂

DimLlaeth · 30/03/2024 14:29

Aw, they are still very little then, no wonder you feel lost!

Get on Pinterest and make some boards of fun stuff to do with them. And plan for when they are back.

We did lots of sensory tub stuff when mine were little. Chose a theme, and get the stuff together ready. Plan some fun activities for rainy days. If pick a book for the week, and organise some small activities for us to do that went along with the book.

If it was a book about a picnic, we'd have an inside or outside picnic. Maybe have sensory tubs with jelly or custard in them and find plastic food/themed stuff from the book.

Planning the stuff in between doing your own things might help you feel closer to them when they're not with you.

It's really hard to start with, but it gets easier as they go more often. And then you'll look forward to the time away from them.

Original poster
BookArt · 30/03/2024 15:55

CatCatCatCatCatCat · 30/03/2024 14:05

god I would love my kids dad to have them overnight! However yours are very small so I can understand but I would give my right arm for regular nights to myself 😂

Completely understand this! I honestly thought I would be the same. Lie ins, peace and quiet, eating what I want when I want, no repetitive 'mum', going to the toilet in peace haha 😆 🤣 😂

And yet here I am!

OP posts:
Original poster
BookArt · 30/03/2024 15:58

I spent the other three weekends laying a bathroom floor, painting, building furniture, cleaning my car, admin... I think it has hit me this week that this is the new normal. I also think I burnt myself out!

Been out to see family, now grouting a bathroom floor, next will be Easter acitivites plan for the kids. Great advice. Thank you!

OP posts:
LeonoraFlorence · 30/03/2024 17:25

Agree with planning lovely Easter things to do for when they’re back. My neighbour (and friend) is in same situation this weekend (first time her DDs are at their dads) and she’s joining us and family/close friends tonight for takeaway and fizz. It’s a mix of people joining us tonight (most of whom she knows) so hopefully will take her mind off things a bit and let her relax.

JMSA · 30/03/2024 17:28

I absolutely love the time on my own! I've never understood women who struggle in this way, or whose identities are so wrapped up in their children.
That's by no means a criticism though. There's no right or wrong here. And we're all different.
Hope you feel better soon Flowers

CatCatCatCatCatCat · 30/03/2024 17:31

JMSA · 30/03/2024 17:28

I absolutely love the time on my own! I've never understood women who struggle in this way, or whose identities are so wrapped up in their children.
That's by no means a criticism though. There's no right or wrong here. And we're all different.
Hope you feel better soon Flowers

Thats how i feel but realise its the minority opinion, i see it as one of the perks of being separated 🫣 if i wanted some time to myself i would have to pay a fortune for a babysitter so i dont bother

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