AIBU to think dad is causing behavioural issues?

[Wakeupandsmelltherain]

A friends 4 year old is incredibly aggressive at times. He has periods of repeatedly hitting/attacking other children without provocation. Often uses toys as weapons. Then child has a period of no aggression but almost withdrawing and not attempting to play with others. School and I believe his former nursery have both called mum in to discuss.

Their older son (8) is very anxious about EVERYTHING and struggles to make friends.

Dad has clearly had anger issues over the past 8 years. Very insecure and angry man. I know the way he has spoken to my friend historically is inexcusable. She is very open about how he used to verbally abuse her and how she was left doing it all at home. She swears no physical abuse. Other friends stopped socialising with them due to feeling uncomfortable in his presence. He has got alot better recently and seems to be really trying to sort himself out and be a family man but.....

My friend does not seem to accept her husbands behaviour (until recently) MAY have been causing the issues both the children have. She just will not accept it.

I am not a child psychologist but SURELY there has to be a link?

I want her to consider the fact there could be a link so that if his behaviour turns again she bloody leaves him! Surely living with a man like that as a young child has some impact? Especially during those early developmental years.

AIBU to think it is likely dad is behind the behavioural issues?

Possibly the whole situation is, not just dad but also mum's response to it, the general feeling in the house. But it's hard to tell and she likely feels under pressure if you are asking her to admit this verbally. She likely knows but to admit it to you would be too much. She's in an abusive relationship and you are assuming logic will prevail but that's not how it works.

Does the have the means to leave him?

Yeah, what’s in it for you to drag that admission out of her?

Yes this

It sounds like both mum and children are being abused. Dad “trying to be better” now is most likely dad trying to hide the abuse more effectively so others are none the wiser because people have already noticed and distanced themselves, understandably.

There must be better ways to help your friend and her children than going on at her to admit something she is probably terrified of admitting right now.

Nothing for me except I don't want my friend to be in that situation if his behaviour turns again. She is a good person. She doesn't deserve to be spoken to/treated like that and I know if she openly made the link she would go. I worry about her alot, or at least did until this recent improvement.

Although it is likely dad is the reason behind the child's issues you can't be sure.

There are other reasons why children can be aggressive and sometimes the difficulty of coping with a child with special needs or difficulties can cause family difficulties, especially if dad blames mum for the problems.

You are right.... logic doesn't prevail in these situations does it.

She came into some inheritance semi recently so yes could leave although perhaps wouldn't have same house/lifestyle etc as currently does but enough to start up small again.

I have wondered if the improvement in behaviour is partly because she now has this money.

Agreed. But I don't think there are special needs. A while ago she kept saying she wanted the oldest son assessed for austism and blamed anxiety etc on that but school said child doesn't present with autism. I worry the argument they may have special needs further dilutes the argument living with this man is what has caused all of this.... and if his bad behaviour returns then she needs to get out!

Your instinct is right, research confirms what is obvious when you think about it; men who abuse their wife/partner also abuse their children.

Look up Dr Emma Katz, she's done interviews available on you tube/spotify, and her book 'Coercive Control in Children's and Mothers' Lives'

Unfortunately trying to get your friend to leave isn't an easy solution, due to the risks to her of leaving, and the likilhood of post-separation abuse.

If you want to help her, do some learning so you can understand how complex it is. This is a good start:

https://lundybancroft.com/five-central-concepts-in-getting-free-from-abuse/

As her friend you can do a lot to support her but make sure you are not pressuring her, as she will be under unimaginable pressure already.

Of course the side he displays to the outside world is nothing compared to what goes on behind closed doors. Children are affected by violence and even if it's not physical, verbal abuse it is very frightening and children will respond in different ways. His recent improvement may well be due to your friends new financial independence but what you can possibly do I don't know. It's for her to work through, but having an escape route may give her the courage to get out but for the children the damage may have already been done. 'Give me the the child at seven....... '

You're asking her to admit that her whole marriage is a failure. That her judgement as a mother is wrong. That's not an easy thing to do. Do you honestly think she doesn't already realise it? Your approach is not kind.

Perhaps she can't afford to leave him. Maybe there are other reasons that you don't know about. Do you know how hard it is for an abused woman to leave her abuser?

Rather than dragging such an admission from her, wouldn't it be better to support her. Make sure she knows that IF the marriage ends, you are a loyal friend and will be there for her. Wait for her to come to you.

Maybe she does already know but the excuses she sometimes comes up with make me think otherwise.

I have sat and listened for years about the things he said and his behaviour etc and not judged and always 'been there' when many made very judgmental comments.

I just don't want her to suffer anymore and I know if a professional or someone outwardly said xyz is cause she would leave. Especially now she has that inheritance.

I don't need her to say outright to me I just wish she would inwardly accept this is the reason and then as I say, if behaviour turns again she will go.

I get you OP.
My gf was a violent alcoholic. In the 40’s when dm was a dc there was nowhere for gran to go.
My dm grew up with anxiety and low self esteem. She was also very quick to hit us and shout. I was terrified of my dm as a dc.
It’s not just your friend’s dc who will suffer but probably her dgc too and to some extent their dc.
I know I had to learn not to overreact with my own dc.

I hope your df can leave, just be as supportive as possible.

She needs to leave before her sons copy their parents and become abusive partners when they're older. Your friend needs to show her sons that people should never accept abuse and let children live with abusers.

I understand your concern and it comes from a good place. I and my siblings tried for years from a very early age to persuade my dm to leave my abusive df. We were finally making some progress after she's been emotionally & financially abused for 40 years, and then he became ill and her (totally unfounded) guilt made her stay.

It's frustrating, but you are playing a long game.

The child is a victim of abuse. This will be impacting on him and could possibly be the cause of the aggression. There is no way to know for sure.

It’s very likely. I have a friend who’s in a coercive controlling relationship. Child is also ND with all the struggles that brings. I’ve been trying very gently to allow her to talk about it. Maybe asking a few questions to get her to ‘admit’ how she feels but you have to tread very very gently. There no use making demands. Just be there for her if she’s a true friend. She will either come to the realisation that her situation is unbearable, or she won’t. Unfortunately I don’t think my friend will ever leave her husband. I just can’t see it. It’s incredibly frustrating.

OP, as sad and difficult as it is you need to let your friend know you’re there for them but don’t invest yourself in a good outcome. These sorts of relationships are so complex and although it would be clear to someone outside that it’s abusive, it’s sometimes easier for the person in the relationship to bury their heads and convince themselves that the excuses they make to other people are true. Leaving a relationship is difficult and takes some degree of bravery and conviction in your decision, then add in kids, then add in years of behaviour designed to crush the victim’s confidence and undermine their every feeling and it becomes so much harder.

If you fully engage and invest yourself in getting her to leave it will probably be really frustrating and painful for you, especially if it’s turned around and you are made out to be the bad guy.