Is this normal - office environment

[Yup23]

Working in the city - predominantly male crowd. Nothing overly unusual apart from one colleague. His behaviour annoyed me, but now I ignore him as much as possible. We can go weeks without being in the office together, with no contact whatsoever. Still, when in the office together, he would come to my desk, ask to have a coffee in the kitchen, tell me all his work and family problems, smile from a distance, compliment my work, and ask to work together. This has been going on for years and I just don’t get it. So proper full on in the office when not - no word/like I don’t exist. The other day I looked up from my desk and he was staring and smiling from a distance.
I find this so weird. Is this weird? Why people behave weirdly like this? I avoid him, and don’t engage but I must sometimes as we have to work together.

This is why I’ve always enjoyed working at home! There’s always someone’s behaviour in the office that I don’t understand.

Is he chatty and friendly with others in the office, or just doing it to you? Perhaps he likes that you don’t really engage so he can talk “at” you without worrying that you’ll want to talk too? Or perhaps he’s just trying to be welcoming?

Stop going for coffee with him - no that's OK I'm cutting down on coffee/I'm busy right now. Repeat.

I don’t really see what he’s doing wrong, he’s being friendly and chatty when you see each other in the office, that’s what colleagues generally do.

Unless you’re working on something together there’s no reason for him to be in touch apart from that.

If you don’t want to chat to him and have coffee just say you’re busy, and don’t.

He fancies you. When he's being weird call him out on it. Like when you catch him staring "Stop staring at me". Yes it may feel awkward to say it but that's on him. Put some boundaries in place if you don't want to hear about his life just cut him off with "oh that sounds tricky, I've got work to do now, see you later." Don't let him get a word in edgeways.

Nope. He only chats to me and one/two others. He’s self absorbed- so yes I think he likes talking at me.

Yes, I do that often. Just avoid him and say I have a lot on.

I get where you are coming from. That’s the normal way but when he’s in the office the level of oversharing is intense. Think - his childhood, kids issues, wife stuff. I stopped all of that ages ago but find this so weird.

It's hard to tell without being there whether he's being friendly, whether this is just his personality or whether you're being singled out in a creepy way.

Have any of the other guys mentioned anything? What do they think? Is he just like this with everybody?

Yes it seems he's dumping on you. And not getting that you're not interested in the conversation. What do you do when he starts talking?

On one hand, I feel sorry for him as I can see he’s down. But now he’s behaviour is disturbing me so I generally say I got to go and speak later.

He only really speaks to me and another of our work friends. From what I get, they talk often enough, but he never over-shares with him. They worked together for 7 years and he was a bit shocked he told me this much about his life.

I think he fancies himself the most as he's very self-absorbed.

If it’s a mostly male office it’s possible he sees you as a handy support human he can dump his emotional crap onto, rather than a respected colleague. Annoying, but it happens. I’d be polite but distant.

Perhaps he's already over shared with everyone else he works with and when you arrive it's just your 'turn' to entertain the office weirdo? Be glad he's not popping up outside of work or calling/ emailing in between with updates!

I think you want posters to tell you that he fancies you.

It’s quite simple – continue to ignore him and put up with it, or tell if his attention and interaction with you makes you feel uncomfortable.

It sounds like he sees you as a work friend rather than a friend friend.

Do you want him to contact you outside of office hours?

I have some colleagues that I speak to all of the time outside of work and meet up but some colleagues are strictly just work friends and we don’t tend to talk outside of work.

Many people (MNers) actually find it inappropriate to have a friendship/talk to colleagues outside of work.

That’s probably right. It's best to frame it that way. I have a lot of work friends with whom I am not in contact outside work, but those people don’t over-share about their personal lives in the office.

He's very self-absorbed and only fancies himself.

That's funny 😄 We have been working together for years, and he only talks to me about one or two others, unfortunately. He’s not sociable at all.

Thank you. Unfortunately, we have to work together so can’t avoid him entirely.

I’m repeating what I said before but I don’t think he’s actually doing anything wrong, he’s just chatting in work.

Some people do just over-share, if he starts on a topic you don’t want to discuss change the conversation but him only chatting when you see each other in the office is just normal imo.

he is not doing anything wrong but as a female in a male dominated environment you will sometimes be seen as a 'mother' figure or someone who will provide the ear hole service he wants as the men would not put up with this. By only doing it face to face I suspect he also gets a bit of a kick out of it.

Ok. Thank you for your perspective. In all my years of working in the office environment, I have never encountered a person like this. There's a first time for everything!

He likely finds you a receptive dumping ground for his life issues. Possibly because you are an attractive woman and seen as naturally empathetic. Most likely because you have been open in the past to listening to his shit before you realised what he was like.

I do find some men will tell women about emotional issues more than they will tell their guy friends/colleagues.

As for the staring and smiling, yes, he fancies you although, as you said, not more than himself. No contact out of the office just means 'out of sight, out of mind.'

He’s just an odd person in general. I would never share this much with anyone from work! Stuff, he told me, isn’t something I would mention to my closest friends. Oddly enough, he hardly speaks to anyone else. As you say, I was probably stupid enough to be kind and listen initially…