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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son-in-law

30 replies

Wispycloud · 29/03/2024 21:26

My daughter and son in law have an 8 month baby.

When they got together, we knew he had a child from a short previous relationship. Our son in law has always talked about his ex as being wild and mad and we accepted that and worried about our grandson in law and his home life. Our son in law paints the mother as bitter and horrible and not dealing with their split. He's has to take her to court upwards of 20 times and we've always accepted this is because she's horrendous.

I happen to have a shop and recently the mother of our step grandson came in. She didn't realise at first who we were so we had a nice conversation. When I said who I was, she thanked me for being so kind to her son. She was lovely and it wasn't the picture I got from our son in law. In fact he's been so horrible about her, saying she's an awful parent and shouldn't be taking care of said child.

I've been duped haven't I? Surely it's a good thing that the mother was nice.

OP posts:
youveturnedupwelldone · 29/03/2024 21:31

Always be wary of anyone (of any gender) who says they have a crazy ex. Chances are he is the one who is bitter about the split and that he's using the court process as a way to harass and control her.

Does he actually see the child? Pay maintenance?

Americano75 · 29/03/2024 21:32

Any time I hear a man cast aspersions on an ex partner's mental health/state/capability I assume he's lying until proven otherwise. Because it's usually bullshit.

Original poster
Wispycloud · 29/03/2024 21:34

But she's clearly not reasonable. The father didn't have contact til the child was two but when he wanted contacted after the child turned two, she asked for this bizarre slow progression. That's ridiculous surely.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/03/2024 21:36

Maybe there was a good reason she didn't want the baby seeing him. I would never trust a man who slags off his ex.

Redshoeblueshoe · 29/03/2024 21:36

My DD got together with a guy who had a crazy x. I said I don't trust men who say that.

She is now the crazy x. He pays no maintenance, and never sees the child.

ellesbellesxxx · 29/03/2024 21:37

Wispycloud · 29/03/2024 21:34

But she's clearly not reasonable. The father didn't have contact til the child was two but when he wanted contacted after the child turned two, she asked for this bizarre slow progression. That's ridiculous surely.

… you have only heard it from his point of view. I would personally reserve judgement, unless you know all the exact facts

Mumofteenandtween · 29/03/2024 21:37

Wispycloud · 29/03/2024 21:34

But she's clearly not reasonable. The father didn't have contact til the child was two but when he wanted contacted after the child turned two, she asked for this bizarre slow progression. That's ridiculous surely.

Bizarre slow progression? How slow? Why was it bizarre that she wanted her son to get to know someone before handing them over? And maybe wanted to be sure that he wasn’t going to fuck off again after a few visits leaving her child heartbroken.

Redshoeblueshoe · 29/03/2024 21:37

Why would you believe him ?

Americano75 · 29/03/2024 21:38

Slow progression seems a very sensible idea for a 2 year old child.

Pomegranatecarnage · 29/03/2024 21:38

Wispycloud · 29/03/2024 21:34

But she's clearly not reasonable. The father didn't have contact til the child was two but when he wanted contacted after the child turned two, she asked for this bizarre slow progression. That's ridiculous surely.

That sounds about right to me. It depends whether your SIL chose to have no contact. Surely it would be in the interest of a two year old to introduce the previously absent father slowly?

Nonewclothes2024 · 29/03/2024 21:38

Wispycloud · 29/03/2024 21:34

But she's clearly not reasonable. The father didn't have contact til the child was two but when he wanted contacted after the child turned two, she asked for this bizarre slow progression. That's ridiculous surely.

Why didn't he have contact?

OdeToBarney · 29/03/2024 21:38

My DB's exes are crazy. All of them.

Says the drug addict who doesn't see his kids, or pay maintenance.

🤮🤮🤮

Redshoeblueshoe · 29/03/2024 21:39

Yeah I forgot to mention my DD's x was also a drug addict

HaggisHhahaha · 29/03/2024 21:40

What has he specifically said about her rather than bad mouthing her? What are the concrete concerns? I would have thought you can’t deny access to a child without a reason?

Hankunamatata · 29/03/2024 21:42

Hang on. He didn't want to see the child for 2 years then got pissed off when the mum wanted a very slow introduction. Hmmmm

MeTooOverHere · 29/03/2024 21:44

Wispycloud · 29/03/2024 21:34

But she's clearly not reasonable. The father didn't have contact til the child was two but when he wanted contacted after the child turned two, she asked for this bizarre slow progression. That's ridiculous surely.

Depends. Courts will only give dads limited time with a bub, and then the courts will do slow progression as the toddler gets to know dad. A lot of dads resent this, esp. if they feel they were the one dumped, and if the dad doesn't take that limited time the courts won't suddenly give him long stretches. Child's well being is uppermost.

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 29/03/2024 21:44

Wispycloud · 29/03/2024 21:34

But she's clearly not reasonable. The father didn't have contact til the child was two but when he wanted contacted after the child turned two, she asked for this bizarre slow progression. That's ridiculous surely.

If the father didn't have anything to do with the child until he was 2 then a slow progression into visitation sounds perfect.

Surely the child wouldn't want to be handed off to a stranger? At 2 years old they know who they know and would be distressed alone with a strange man (not to mention the poor mother being worried sick).

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable woman to me.

I also echo koto trusted anyone who slags off their "crazy ex". It usually just means "did not want to put up with my unreasonable behaviour"

LondonFox · 29/03/2024 21:46

Wispycloud · 29/03/2024 21:26

My daughter and son in law have an 8 month baby.

When they got together, we knew he had a child from a short previous relationship. Our son in law has always talked about his ex as being wild and mad and we accepted that and worried about our grandson in law and his home life. Our son in law paints the mother as bitter and horrible and not dealing with their split. He's has to take her to court upwards of 20 times and we've always accepted this is because she's horrendous.

I happen to have a shop and recently the mother of our step grandson came in. She didn't realise at first who we were so we had a nice conversation. When I said who I was, she thanked me for being so kind to her son. She was lovely and it wasn't the picture I got from our son in law. In fact he's been so horrible about her, saying she's an awful parent and shouldn't be taking care of said child.

I've been duped haven't I? Surely it's a good thing that the mother was nice.

Seriously?
A child from previous short relationship?
Talking crap about his childs mother?
Taking her to court while she is the one caring for a child?

I thought you would be concerned about your daughter. I would be.
Anyone who claims ex is mad/crazy etc usually got some sort of pattern in claiming that for all of their exes

Sapphire387 · 29/03/2024 22:13

I'm not sure if you can fully judge that she is 'nice' based on a single conversation.

The truth may well lie somewhere in between. I doubt either of them is perfect.

MeTooOverHere · 30/03/2024 04:10

I don't know how to answer the poll question.
Are you being reasonable or unreasonable re what? Whether you've been duped or not? How you now feel about your SIL? How you feel about your stepgrandson? How you feel about your daughter's marriage?

WandaWonder · 30/03/2024 04:30

LondonFox · 29/03/2024 21:46

Seriously?
A child from previous short relationship?
Talking crap about his childs mother?
Taking her to court while she is the one caring for a child?

I thought you would be concerned about your daughter. I would be.
Anyone who claims ex is mad/crazy etc usually got some sort of pattern in claiming that for all of their exes

Show quote history

Yes this, one of the reasons I trusted my husband was the way he spoke about people before me

Beetlejuiceismydad · 30/03/2024 04:32

There could be elements of truth in both person's story.
I have a friend, his ex has stopped him seeing his children for a year. I don't think us women necessarily understand until we know someone who has gone through it, the legal system is very pro- women, which is great but how is it legal to stop a father from seeing his children for a year? With no abuse?
His ex was lovely. I'm sure I'd still get on with her now if I saw her. She comes across as really intelligent and kind. That doesn't detract from the fact that she see's my friend as a sperm doner who has no need to be in his own son's life. Not all men are trying to escape paying child maintenance or having custody.
That said, the 'my ex is a psycho' is really a red flag. No one is really that dimensional and he obviously didn't care about her MH/ personality when he was shagging her. Or he would have used protection.

Autienotnaughtie · 30/03/2024 05:53

She probably is a lovely person.

Custody battles can be very bitter. He won't have been a saint in it so I would take his opinion with a pinch of salt.

According to my abusive ex I was the crazy ex, (I really wasn't) but when he split with 2nd wife she was the crazy one , then lo and behold his third wife. Also crazy. Now I'm the best one. (This isn't just him it's the family too)

Octavia64 · 30/03/2024 05:57

Anyone who talks about a crazy ex is a walking red flag.

If he's actually taken her to court 20 times then he's probably the crazy one.

I'd be worried about your daughter personally.

AlexaPlaySomeHappyHardcore · 30/03/2024 06:11

Wispycloud · 29/03/2024 21:34

But she's clearly not reasonable. The father didn't have contact til the child was two but when he wanted contacted after the child turned two, she asked for this bizarre slow progression. That's ridiculous surely.

The slow progression is down to the behaviour of the non resident parent: abuse, not being reliable, concerns over their lifestyle, that sort of thing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some exes are indeed “horrible/psycho/the absolute worst” but I take those statements with a truck load of salt. No one subjects themselves to family court for the fun of it, not when it’s them being dragged there repeatedly. And it is often being used by abusers to keep control of their exes.

For full disclosure: I am a “psycho bitch ex” myself who has been through family court due to my abusive ex, and due to said abuse requested amongst other things, any time spent with him after the split was a slow process and supervised until he could prove he could be trusted with the children. The social worker and judge agreed.