Gaslighting

[nameshame24]

I have just taken myself to bed as feeling very tired and not 100% well. My daughter (6) came in to say good night to me. My husband followed, he's in a wind up mood and just pissing about like a hyper child. He then went to the end of the bed and started tickling my feet (I am extremely ticklish and really really didn't want him to do it) I said 'please don't or I will kick' (kicking is an involuntary motion of the tickling and I didn't want to hurt him) he didn't listen and carried on tickling me so I kicked, I accidentally kicked my LG in the chin luckily not badly but enough to make her upset. He then said 'that's your fault that is' which made me so angry because it absolutely wasn't my fault, I asked him not to do it and told him I would kick. He was adamant it was my fault and said he would take no blame so I argued back that if he hadn't have tickled I wouldn't have kicked. I was really annoyed visibly upset about it and then he started laughing at me saying I'm taking it all much too seriously. I then said he was gaslighting me. He went nuts and started raising his voice at me to say i have made a serious accusation about him and have done so in front of our daughter and I'm totally out of order to do so, because he wasn't gaslighting me and so on. He's extremely upset with me now and I'm left here thinking AIBU?

OP this was your husband being annoying and not taking responsibility but it’s really not gaslighting and it’s not a casual term to be bandying around in front of a six year old because your DH doesn’t agree that he should’ve stopped tickling you.

My ex husband had an alcohol problem. He used to take my bank card from my purse and take money from my personal account (we had separate finances).When I found out he would tell me it was me doing it and that I didn’t remember because of my mental illness, and that he was really worried about the deterioration of my memory. He even brought it up in a joint therapy session with Relate. This went on for so long I went to my GP in tears because I thought I had a serious problem with my memory and begged for help.
That is gaslighting.

Yes silent treatment as you know is abuse.

Ignore the pedantic people on the term gaslighting it doesn't matter what it's called it's still abuse.

What are you hoping to happen in this relationship?

What are his good qualities?

Ask DH to explain the term gas lighting, if he gets it correct you can apologise but fair chance he won't either.

You sound very passive here, you said no and he should not have done it but you did have the opportunity to keep your dd safe and reinforce the message by moving, I cannot understand why you didn't.

The rest is him being an arse hole. Does he often ignore your boundaries? This needs fixing before it escalates.

It doesn't really matter if it's gaslighting or not. The fact is he was being a jerk and none of it would have happened if he had listened to you and stopped.

Both of you sound abit silly in my opinion
You could of just sat up and put ur feet on the ground

Neither of you should of been arguing in front of your child

He was not gaslighting you

Not gaslighting.
Gaslighting based on an old play where the husband turns the lights down and make her think she is imagining it. Gaslighting is making someone doubt their sanity.

That said your marriage sounds horrific. You need to divorce and focus on both of you giving your daughter a stable life.

That's the thing I couldn't move my feet he had them both in his hands and was tickling them, I tried to move out of it but I couldn't and my daughter also thought it was really funny (as he clearly did) and started to laugh and try to tickle them to and I kicked (completely involuntarily I didn't want to kick but it was a reflex of the tickling) and I'm really upset that as a result of it I kicked her so I was angry with him when he said it was my fault so abruptly. But you are right I shouldn't have reacted in front of her to voice my anger towards him and in future I will try to keep this in until she in out of ear shot but I am human I made a mistake when I was upset. I'm sure many of us have done and I will apologise to my daughter today for getting cross with Daddy in front of her and explain why I was upset to her. We can't be perfect examples to our children all of the time but if we can show up, apologise and explain to them our behaviours I think that teaches them more life skills in the long run.

Thanks for this. I agree. I shouldn't have said gaslighting and now understand his reaction. I will apologise for using that word today and hope that he apologises for being a dick.

Op, just because it wasnt an example of gaslighting, it doesnt mean it wasnt an example of him being a dick. He ignored you. He completely disregarded you telling him no. He has no respect for your boundaries.

I'm really sick of him twisting things and then playing the innocent, hard done by one. It's draining.
and it clearly isnt a one-off.

Again I just want to say I couldn't move, if I could move I would have.

Thanks for this explanation. I clearly have used the word incorrectly and now moving forward won't use this word again unless obviously it does fit the narrative. I can see how using the term incorrectly can minimise the abuse other people do face on a day to day basis.
I stand corrected and will apologise for using this word to him.

Entirely his fault.
He knows that.
You know that.
Hopefully you can assure your LG it was an accident and she's not too sore.
Hope you feel better soon.
PS I'm sorry folk are being picky about your wording - he was definitely being a d**k but if this is typical of how he behaves (ignoring you saying no, making you look bad in front of your child) then it's certaily pointing toward being abusive.

Don't apologise. If he is so upset about it then maybe he should consider his behaviour that resulted in being told he was gaslighting. Your term may be incorrect but he is abusive. Clearly he can't see that he needs to respect your boundaries and that his behaviour will impact your daughter's ability to assert her boundaries.
Just because this incident wasn't classic gaslighting, him blaming you for kicking your child by actions he caused is definitely on the way to it. It doesn't just start at full throttle.
When he's stopped sulking, talk to him about it but don't apologise.

All the replies saying you were both a bit silly or you were partly to blame for not moving…have you people not read what she wrote? She was in bed because she was poorly and her husband followed her. She warned him to leave her alone and he didn’t.

None of this is your fault OP. Yes you used the word gaslighting in the wrong context but it’s a common mistake to make so don’t beat yourself up about it, especially as you’ve taken on board the explanation from @Minimili .

As for apologising, I don’t know if I would. If it was a one off situation and he was genuinely upset then potentially, but from your description it sounds like he gives you the silent treatment a lot and he would probably just hold it against you anyway.

If his behaviour is often like this then you probably need to consider whether it’s something you want to put up with.

You have no reason to apologise to him, OP.

Disagreeing over the meaning of a word is trivial compared with the physical distress he was deliberately causing by tickling you. And he was trying to make you believe you were unreasonable to object to being tickled.

Don’t let him make you feel guilty for his bad behaviour.

Surprisingly OH apologised to me straight away this morning which I wasn't expecting. I did say I'm sorry for using the word gaslighting because that wasn't what he was doing but reinforced why I was so upset and that he shouldn't have continued to tickle me when I'd said not to because I would kick and he then shouldn't have blamed me for kicking DD - he agreed he shouldn't have done it and then said he overreacted when I said he was gaslighting. Part of me wondered if he had read this thread because massive U turn from him!!!
I apologised again to my DD and explained I was upset with Daddy and why I was. OH has also apologised to her (after I asked him to). She has a mark on her chin this morning and I feel terrible!! I also said in front on them both 'no means no and Daddy should not have continued to tickle me when I had asked him not to' he didn't disagree with this but also didn't say anything back. So I am confident that she has seen me stick up for myself in a controlled manner.