Do I say something ?

[Sosickfromholidywahh]

DD has told me her dads girlfriend has been talking down about me to her, which upset her. I want to confront them about this but DD has begged me not to, what would you do?

yabu - say something
yanbu - don’t say anything

Depends what was said.
I would probably say something to her Dad first.

Irrelevant I know but how old is your DD?

There's no way she should have to listen to your ex's GF slating you off and her dad should step up and ask, infact tell her to stop it.

How old is your daughter? If she’s a teen, I’d help her practice saying that she doesn’t like them speaking about you that way and help her to have the confidence to say it herself.

But no I would respect my daughter’s wishes, if you don’t then next time she won’t tell you.

She’s 12, she doesn’t want me to say anything to either of them and me and her dad do not get on, he probably wouldn’t care anyway, I’m struggling not to say anything! But want to respect my dds wishes

She's 12 and at that age it's important to respect her wishes. If she has specifically asked you not to say anything then don't. If you do she might feel like she can't come to you or trust you with any future worries or concerns.

Ignore the content of their bitching and focus on her and how it's making her feel and how she can cope with it. This is an opportunity to help her to deal with hearing people saying hurtful things.

If she’s specifically asked you not to say anything then in the first instance can you give her some coaching on how to respond if it happens again?

A stock phrases like, ‘please stop talking about my mum like that I don’t want to hear it’ - and encourage her to speak up.

If it continues then I’d step in and tell her that if she doesn’t stop then unfortunately you will need to say something to either her dad/the girlfriend or them both.

I think I'd also respect her wishes but I would tell your DD that in instances like this it's quite acceptable of her to ask the GF why she is saying what she is and to explain that she finds it rather upsetting to have to listen to it, if the GF takes umpage I'm afraid in your DD shoes I'd get her to reply back that if she'd rather 'me' not be here seeing my dad you'll have to take it up with him.

If you want to keep her confidence in you then you need to respect her wishes.

Has she got the confidence to ask this woman to stop? If not, a response like ‘my mum said you sound really nice’ might be easier to convey but still enough to shut her up.

Don't say anything but work with her to have the confidence to shut it down and be able to echo that to other situations as she grows

This. She has asked, almost begged you, not to say anything, you have to respect this. Tell her that she can politely shut down any disrespectful talk about you in future by saying something along the lines of “I’m not happy/comfortable to talk about my mum with you” or even just a simple “can we talk about something else?”
if she isn’t comfortable in doing this then maybe try to persuade her to tell her dad?

In a similar boat here- ExH told the kids I was a selfish bitch last weekend and then apparently this week (he sees one or two (there are 3..!) of them one evening a week) he told them I was a fat lazy bitch and the child who wasn't there was going to 'end up a lazy fucker like your mother'.

This lazy fucker has a full time job, 3 kids who do tonnes of clubs and you see half of them every other week- fuck off dude.

But don't know whether to acknowledge it or leave it behind? (Can't do anything right now as he's on his 3rd holiday abroad since Jan and yet not paying maintenance... he's a gem)

Poor kid. Sounds like she knows they’ll be horrible to her too if they know she’s repeated what’s been said.

Disgusting of them to put her in that situation. I’d make it very clear to dd that she doesn’t have to visit them unless she wants to - she shouldn’t have to sit there listening to venom about her own mum. That would be very damaging for any child.

Can you try to give her some strategies to address this? I know there's not many when she's so young, but maybe think of ideas and ways to approach it.

Another example of the adultification of children from divorced families. I actually do think the child needs to be protected in this instance and Mum should raise it as a safeguarding issue with Dad.

Put your daughter first, she needs to be able to confide in you.

Thanks everyone. That’s exactly it, I don’t want to break her trust so she doesn’t feel she can confide in me. I won’t say anything for now. Although if it happens again I might have to re think as she isn’t confident enough to say anything herself.