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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go on holiday with just DC?

3 replies

stormywhethers321 · 29/03/2024 14:52

My DC have always wanted to visit Banff National Park in Canada. We had a story that was partly set there thar we used to read when they were small, and they loved it and have always asked to see the place in person. We've been to Canada several times, as my mother lives there. But she lives on the east coast while Banff is in the west, and because of the sheer size of Canada I've never been able to manage a side trip to the park. However, this year DD is finishing her GSCEs and due to a lot of budgeting and planning, I finally have enough to afford Banff as a special treat!

However, DC told mum, and she wants to come out and meet us there. My mother is not easy to travel with. She has high levels of anxiety and things not going according to plan can cause meltdowns (tears, yelling and storming off; there has been phyisical aggression in the past but the last incident was more than twenty years ago so DC have never witnessed that). She will only eat in familiar chain restaurants and stay in familiar chain hotels. She's very stubborn when she gets an idea in her head. For example, when she visited us a few years ago, she decided that she wanted to spend hours each day going for walks around the village to get to get a sense of the local atmosphere. I was recovering from a serious health crisis at the time and couldn't manage walking for that long. She refused any other outings (no shopping, no cinema, no museums) and just walked around by herself each day and then sulked that we hadn't joined her every evening.

I really want this trip to be pleasant. I'm getting married this autumn, so this might be my last holiday with just DC. But mum is in her 70s and, as she says, who knows how many more times she'll get to see them?

AIBU to keep.this just the three of us?

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 29/03/2024 15:02

Banff is an extremely long way from the east coast, as you say - not even in the same time zone! I suppose you could possibly fly to the nearest city to your mum, see her for a day, then fly on to eg Calgary with the kids from there and have a road trip to Banff with just you and the kids? But your mother sounds extremely difficult and actually quite unpleasant (physical violence?!) and you are absolutely not obliged to see her at all. Either way, absolutely do not take her to Banff with you.

I’ve done a road trip through the Rockies and it is just so beautiful with such fab wildlife, and the lakes and the mountains are just incredible, plus you can visit glaciers etc. I loved both Banff and Jasper. Take your kids and have the best time!

sparkellie · 29/03/2024 15:26

I would say she was welcome to join you, but you wouldn't be changing plans to fit her, so you won't be eating in chain restaurants or staying somewhere on her approved list etc. Unless you think she would agree at the outset and then kick up a stink when it actually happens?
How far is it for her to travel? How long would you go for? Is her coming for a day or two to see the kids at the beginning of the holiday feasible?
She does sound difficult to please, and I wouldn't want to spoil the holiday, but equally I would be mindful of how many opportunities she will have to see her gc.

stormywhethers321 · 29/03/2024 15:48

sparkellie · 29/03/2024 15:26

I would say she was welcome to join you, but you wouldn't be changing plans to fit her, so you won't be eating in chain restaurants or staying somewhere on her approved list etc. Unless you think she would agree at the outset and then kick up a stink when it actually happens?
How far is it for her to travel? How long would you go for? Is her coming for a day or two to see the kids at the beginning of the holiday feasible?
She does sound difficult to please, and I wouldn't want to spoil the holiday, but equally I would be mindful of how many opportunities she will have to see her gc.

I can propose that she fly out for a night or two at the start or end of our trip, and we can see her in Calgary during that time. I suppose the only issue is that I don't trust her not to make a fuss about not being invited on the road trip itself and I'm worried that will upset DC. DD has grasped that her Nan has some mental health concerns and manages that pretty well. But DS still tends to blame himself when she gets upset, despite me telling him it's not his fault.

I know I'm making her sounds awful, and I feel bad about that. The truth is, when she's getting exactly what she wants and feels comfortable, she can be a lovely person. She adores DC and is very kind to them. But I'm always waiting for something to set her off and it ties my stomach up in knots.

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