Did he lead me on?

[Chickenbaguette76]

Up until I met him I mean. A colleague of mine had a dinner party, which included a male housemate of hers who I'd met a few months back.
Unbeknown to me, the last time I'd seen him he'd commented to her that I was attractive.
I admit I noticed him more this time and I felt a spark. After leaving, I texted her asking about him, and she said he'd said the same thing about me and was really happy when he'd heard I was interested.
I saw him a couple more times in the group setting and then we eventually started messaging. It got quite flirty and there was very much a spark.
My colleague had a house party and I knew he'd be there. I ended up getting drunk and we found ourselves alone in a room.
He started telling me that he likes me but isn't looking for anything ATM as he's moving abroad soon. Started saying he's really sad, he thinks I'm really attractive and really likes me but he's leaving in 3 months.
Then still wanted to kiss me and making hints about me leaving my bag in his room :/ stupidly I ended up staying the night.
The next day, cold as ice and distant. Got my stuff, hungover and left.
I wish I hadn't stayed over, I know the alcohol didn't help but it's not an excuse. Clearly just wanted one thing, I get the going abroad thing but why spend weeks flirting beforehand if he already knew.

Because flirting is fun even if it doesn’t lead anywhere. Lots of people are happy with some short term fun, and he told you he was leaving before you decided to spend the night with him.
Possibly he thought you knew, via your mutual friend?

He had also been saying to another friend that he liked me but was shy :/ I doubt it.

He possibly thought I did know, I honestly didn't. It's just the way he was cold and distant the next day, that hurt. I'll learn my lesson.

Because he’s a man.

”because he’s a man”

🙄

He spent weeks flirting because he was hoping you might be up for a casual fling. That isn’t a crime - it’s not like flirting implies a desire for a serious long term relationship. He wasn’t leading you on - he’d been leading you on, he’d have had sex with you and THEN told you he was going away in three months. But he told you he was going away before he made a move, because he wanted to he honest with you.

I think you just took it all a bit too seriously. I don’t really think he’s actually done anything wrong. He was flirting, not proposing marriage ffs. I think you built it all up in your head, which is understandably now leading to disappointment, but that’s not really on him.

He didn't lead you on.
He told you he was just up for sex basically.
It was then entirely your choice if you shagged him or not.

So he basically wanted a shag but doesn’t want a relationship. They flirt and reel you in because it’s the thrill of the chase I guess. To be cold to you the next day shows what a contemptuous excuse for a man he is. Unfortunately some of them are like this but that is a problem with him, you did nothing wrong. At least you got the measure of him quickly and didn’t waste much time only to find out later he’s a douchebag.

He probably isn’t moving abroad either.

Yeah you are right that he's entitled to not want anything more and it was indeed up to me. I really wish I hadn't stayed over :/

Hey ! Don't beat yourself up , these things happen

You liked him , he liked you
Alcohol and a spark took it to the bedroom , neither of you were forced ?

He's going away so not likely to become a committed relationship so just notch it up to a fun night and if that doesn't feel right to you then don't let alcohol blur your feelings again

If I’d told someone I wasn’t in a position to have a serious relationship but implied I’d be up for a fling, and they’d immediately backed away and made it clear they weren’t interested in a bit of casual fun, I would probably be ‘distant’ the next morning too. I’d be feeling pretty awkward that you’d misinterpreted the previous flirty conversations as an indication of serious intent and I’d assume that we weren’t going to continue in that manner. I’d probably assume you didn’t want to carry on being friends given the obvious difference in what we wanted, and so I’d have stepped back and toned it down to respect what I assumed were your wishes.

He can’t win, really. If he’d carried on being warm and flirty you’d have said he was continuing to lead you on!

It’s done now - stop beating yourself up.

You feel bad because he has tried to make you feel that way by being cold the next day - it really is like a sport for some men and if you haven’t come across it before it stings and is very confusing.

Ask yourself this: do you think he’s sat ruminating about what happened and feeling bad about it? No, of course he isn’t!
Just look on it like this, you were attracted to him, had a drunken shag and it was a bit of fun. That’s all. Stop wondering about his intentions, what was behind his thinking. You’ll never know so go and put your favourite music on and have a dance to take your mind off it.

I know the feeling OP honestly I do, but when you start trying to psychoanalyse everything you descend into madness so best to just laugh about it x

Yeah, it's best to just forget it and not contact him again sadly.

This sucks especially if he was cold the next day, there is no reason for him to act that way and you deserve better.

it happens to most people at some stage of life and at least you can learn from it

Sounds like he just likes the chase. Not your fault, we all do similar at some point. Onwards and upwards.

I've slept with men and the next morning had the ick and been cold and distant. It happens. Don't stress about it. I'm pretty sure there are a fair few men out there that got the post-shag ick from me too.

No longer being interested in someone does not make them a "contemptuous excuse of a man".

If a man posted on here and complained of a woman no longer showing an interest in him, he would be told to respect her wishes, called an incel and reminded in no uncertain terms that the woman owes him nothing.

So why are you accusing the man in this instance of being a manipulative liar? Is he not allowed to change his mind? Or do you believe he is now betrothed to her and they must marry?

I don’t think he led you on; he made it clear before you slept with him that it was only going to be a casual, one off sex thing. And that was the decent thing to do. It’s a shame he couldn’t carry that decency through to the morning and offer to make you a coffee before ordering you a cab, or thanking you for a fun night and saying goodbye with a hug and a smile, but some people only want to be nice until they’ve got their leg over and don’t see any point in it after they’ve achieved that. He’s obviously one of those.

Don’t give it any more head room. You did something you now regret, so take the lesson and remind yourself that you don’t owe him anything either and are free to go gallivanting about with the next man who takes your fancy.

He didn't lead you on
He was after a shag and you obliged

No, he didn't lead you on. He was clear he wasn't in a position to get into a relationship.
You heard that, and made the (possibly alcohol helped) decision that - despite knowing that - you were happy to have sex with him even though it wasn't going anywhere in terms of a longer relationship.
2 consenting adults choosing to have sex outside of a relationship isn't anyone leading anyone else on.

If you don't like how it makes you feel, then you can choose not to have sex until you are in a committed relationship. That is entirely up to you.

But this chap hasn't done anything wrong at all, from what you've described.

I once had a horse lined up perfectly for a cross bar jump for the lowest part in the middle but he veered at the last minute and I was lucky to stay on as he managed to clear near the posts. I said to my instructor I had no idea why he did that. She said, "Who knows Yellow, he's a horse? It was your job to make sure he didn't do that." I think this rule could apply equally to men.

I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. This sort of thing happens to most people at some time, certainly has to me. It hurts, but don’t let it prey on your mind.

Maybe be a bit cautious of men who come on to you when they’ve (finally) admitted they’re not up for a relationship.

@KreedKafer you shag people and then are cold and distant? That's what happened here.

It isn't a case of merely not being interested. Being cold and distant the morning after is contemptuous. People who you shag are owed decency and whether the OP is male or female they'd be told that.

I’m not sure of this issue, he was very clear. He didn’t say he wanted a relationship with you.

i think though id use the experience to learn about yourself. You suddenly became interested when you knew he was, not before, then even though he told you straight what the deal was you’re now pissed he didn’t wish a relationship with you.

it reads to me like you really want a relationship and are not hearing what you’re being told.

I wouldn’t say he led you on, because he was honest before you stayed over. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be hurt. The least he could do is be kind and polite in the morning. Maybe you can look at the positive in at least you won’t waste anymore time on him.