Adult Son AIBU?

[InstantDestiny]

My son is 22. He is high functioning ASC but he doesn’t really acknowledge this.

He came back home to live after completing his degree last August and we had a difficult period of readjustment (he’s lovely but he’s really fucking lazy).

He can’t get a job in his chosen field where we live so he really needs to save money to be able to move to a city where he can start his career.

He works 4 hours a day starting at 4pm (he pays me a small amount of rent). He gets up at about 2pm every day. Does his own washing but never folds it or puts it away, and hoards crockery in his room bringing it down and not even bothering to put it in the dishwasher.

Yesterday is the day the cleaner comes. I work 8/9 hour days and get up at 7am. Went downstairs and he hadn’t emptied the dishwasher and had dumped a load of cemented on food bowls by the sink meaning the cleaner wouldn’t be able to clean the kitchen (she will wash up but not keen on paying someone to wash up when I have a dishwasher). I went into his room
at 7am ish and pointed out that I was not happy. Then cleared up his shit myself and emptied the dishwasher before getting ready and leaving for work.

He got home from work last night and burst into the lounge and had a massive go at me for waking him early, I said if you cleaned up
after yourself then I wouldn’t have. He went up to his room and slammed the door. I went up, knocked on the door and told him that it’s unacceptable to speak to me like that in my own home and he needs to clean up after himself. He then proceeded to het really angry and started swearing at me and got quite aggressive. I then said you ate behaving like my ex (extremely abusive, not his dad) which obviously made him angrier, but his behaviour absolutely triggered me.

AIBU? If he cleaned up his own shit I wouldn’t have woken him at 7am.

Sorry that was really long, think I needed to get it off my chest.

Absolutely not on at all. Serious conversation needs to be had else he needs to leave. Did he witness your ex behaving like that as a child?

Yes 😞

bt below the belt mentioning your ex
but the cereal bowls were another matter.
you were annoyed but you were justified in that respect

I agree I was out of order.

he's clearly being unreasonable, but there was no real 'point' to waking him up if you were just going to tell him you were annoyed but then clean the stuff anyway. If you had got him to come downstairs to do it himself then that would have made sense. Personally I would have just picked all the stuff up and put it back in his room, and if he happened to wake up while doing it, tough luck, the bowls have to go somewhere so the cleaner can wash up, they're his mess so he can sort it out when he wakes up. At least then its a natural consequence rather that just waking him up to tell him you're annoyed.

But generally you are obviously not being unreasonable, you probably need to have a discussion when you're both calm and make it clear that if he wants to stay living with you x, y, z (cleaning up after himself) are non-negotiable.

Some things I would try to let go though - at the end of the day if he's wearing crumpled clothes or has a messy bedroom with clothes everywhere this has no effect on you (different to half eaten food in his room which is a health hazard), he's 22, he can decide whether he folds his clothes after washing them or not.

He isn't lazy and he isn't high functioning. Many people with autism struggle hugely in the area you have mentioned. Don't go in his room and berate him he is not a child. Do not wake him up at 7am to wake him on principle. If he normally gets up at 2am he clearly struggles to sleep until the early hours again this can be common for teens/young people with autism.
Tidying up the kitchen sounds like lazy mess and sounds so simple but it really isn't. It would be helpful for you to get some advice from other parents of young adults with autism and possibly ADHD has he ever been assessed?

I am a professional and trained in supporting parents of children with ASC and ADHD.

I wouldn't have woken him, but I would have taken all the dirty bowls and put them back in his room so the cleaner could clean.

Really then why are using outdated terms and lack the understanding of how autism and ADHD affect executive function. I really hope you are not advising other parents to treat their children this way. I am not saying you are a terrible mother you just do not understand how being neurodivergent affects people and are making situations much worse.

Yeah that’s probably a good call. I guess I was angry/pissed off.

The dishwasher broke and we were without one for a few months and he moaned endlessly about washing up by hand and I bought a new one on credit and now he’s now even bothering to load/unload it because he gets in late at night from the gym, but if he chooses this nocturnal lifestyle he still needs to do household jobs.

Erm what “outdated” terms am I using?

I am a human being, I am his mother, not a professional with him.

"He is high functioning ASC" that's never been an official diagnosis in the DSM-5 and it's not a helpful way or a current way to describe someone with autism. It minimises people's needs. You are viewing your son as high functioning and not understanding that he needs a lot of support re organisation he is not "fucking lazy" . Your post is really offensive.

You snapped at him quite reasonably imo but at 7.00am yabu . He's an adult and needs to know and respect the ground rules. Sounds he's reverting to teenager behaviour. Needs to take on adult responsibilities. This will help him to progress into full time work

Sending a hand hold! In the same position with ASD DD who is happily growing botulism in her pit of a room, barely attends college and objects to being asked to do anything. Like you, there comes a point where the empathy wears thin and you display your own human emotions. It's bloody tough having to be understanding all the time!

Well it’s regularly used in EHCPs so I am quite comfortable with using that. Better than Asperger’s who was a Nazi sympathiser so we don’t use that anymore.

Not sure what your beef is tbh, am clearly just having a moan about my son. I am not in a professional setting. Nice though that you come onto a parenting site to solely test down another parent 👍🏻 well done you.

*tear

Voted YABU for waking him up to complain, then tidying his mess up yourself instead of making the lazy arse get out of bed and tidy up after himself. (I know it's probably easier said then done, but if you were waking him up anyway...)

I had a family member with difficulties with executive function. But there were still lines in the sand, and tidying up for cleaner day was one of them.

I remember almost weeping with frustration at times, trying to get them to tidy up after themselves, but cleaner day was non-negotiable and it's not like they couldn't prepare themselves for something that had such a strict routine.

Ultimately, if he can't treat you with respect, he's going to have to move out. It doesn't matter what difficulties he has, he can't be allowed to be aggressive to you, and to make your life miserable.

I hope his future house sharers are as understanding as the posters on here!!

It would be helpful for you to get some advice from other parents of young adults with autism and possibly ADHD has he ever been assessed

@InstantDestiny I’m a parent of a young(ish) adult who was diagnosed ASD (although was called Asperger’s when diagnosed), and ADHD as a child. They also have other letters not relevant to this thread. I will preface this by saying they are medicated, have been since they are a child. Without their meds they can do fuck all really and also have the agitation/irritability aspect, but they take them 7 days a week so not an issue. On them they are able to perform a challenging professional job, are pleasant enough to be around, play sports, have friends and hobbies.

Re expectations, I think accepting this because your young adult has ASD is a load of horseshit. I wouldn’t accept it for a second. You are not a maid and speaking like that to you is unacceptable no matter what. No excuses. It’s very simple, if they feel that their ASD is an ‘excuse’ for their shitty behaviour, and if they want to live under your roof it’s on them to seek professional help to get it sorted so they can live with others. My child also has OCD and while we are all understanding, if it gets to a point where it starts to impact on those around them, they have two choices - move out, or get some assistance to get it back under control (in which case we are happy to work with them during this process). Thus far, their choice has been to seek assistance as and when. I suggest you give the same options to your child or nothing will change, it will likely get worse and it will be a nightmare for you moving forward.

I am not tearing you down I am just wondering why you posted do you just want people to join in criticising your disabled son? Do you want validation for it? You clearly don't want advice on how to support him.
If you want advice post something like this on the SEN board
My 22 year old son is autistic and one of the things he struggles with is organisation, cleaning his room and tidying up after himself in the kitchen. How can I best support him with this as it is becoming an issue as the cleaner can't do her job properly.

@DragonFly98 I think OP's second post answers your question. And we all need to do this sometimes, even those who could win parent of the year.

No need to patronise her.

Yep, this.

Parent of an autistic son, have autistic brother and very likely myself. Your son needs help and support but this narrative of he's autistic he can't possibly be expected to live a clean lifestyle is damaging and the same reason we have so many teenagers claiming asd or adhd as its being used as a get out of jail free card. I'd absolutely be waking him and making him get out and about. You KNOW your son. You KNOW if it's sleep issues relates to lack of melatonin production/asd or just staying up playing games all night.
I look forward to the day levels are brought back. How one person experiences their autism is completely different to another and it does a huge disservice to those who will never be able to live independently to compare to someone who is able to with correct support.
I wouldn't stand for this at all