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AIBU?

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...to want a bit more of a future plan

7 replies

essextolondon · 29/03/2024 11:08

I have been married for 13 years and have two children with my husband. When we got together all those years ago we had ideas about what kind of life we would lead and we're generally on the same page. He was sociable and we had loads in common.

Fast forward to now and I am finding myself getting frustrated. I really dislike the area that we live in and we rent our home (have been here 10 years). We have two growing children who are running out of room and the area we live in is very rough. On our salaries combined we could easily move into a nicer area and get a mortgage instead of renting. He refuses to talk about any other options, even though he agrees it's not a nice place to live. When I ask him what his ambitions are in life, what type of future he sees he just laughs and closes the conversation down.

I have worked my way up in my career while being the main carer for our children and I am starting to feel really trapped in my relationship. I'm not materialistic but do feel that we have lost tens of thousands of pounds on rent when we could buy and potentially give our children a better quality of life. It's more security as well for our older years. I manage all the household finances and do all the decorating and maintenance here (when the ll won't cover it). I run the cars and take them for their maintenance, remember all the things for the children. I basically do everything. Once or twice a week he may put the washing on or run the hoover around to try and show willing but that is it. He doesn't like socialising and makes no plans, if I try to make plans he goes along with it but I can see he's not a fan.

I am starting to heavily consider a divorce. I just want some kind of conversation about what our future might look like, but he is like a closed book whenever I broach the subject.

OP posts:
Notmyuser · 29/03/2024 11:12

My partner is more than happy to stay with the status quo, whereas I like to plan and improve things.

I simply tell him my plan and check he is onboard. If he isnt, we discuss why. Then he jumps onboard and I do it.

It’s served us well. I was the one who started looking for our first house, and arranged a few viewings. Then he started to get on board. Same with the move - I got the house valued without really discussing it, arranged a few viewings of houses we might like to buy, and called a mortgage broker before he really was fully on board with moving.

Notmyuser · 29/03/2024 11:13

Upon reading again I’m guessing the issue is more you don’t want to have to take the lead? If so, disregard my advice - I like taking the lead.

essextolondon · 29/03/2024 11:17

I know what you're saying, but he just isn't on board with any change at all. When I ask why he won't discuss anything. He literally walks off mid conversation.

OP posts:
SnowFrogJelly · 29/03/2024 11:20

You have to give him an ultimatum then

Fortitudinal · 29/03/2024 11:22

You have to tell him what you need and that if he blocks you, you will have to plan it alone.

Dont be trapped by his controlling ways.

jeaux90 · 29/03/2024 11:22

The problem with these marriages is a lack of partnership and shared goals.

OP honestly I would strongly be considering a divorce too.

Have you told him you are at that point?

I'm telling you this as a lone parent, life is soooo much easier if you are in my position rather than being stuck with a partner who isn't on the same page.

ConflictedCheetah · 29/03/2024 11:25

You can either stay on very different pages and split up or possibly try marriage counseling to push discussions he usually walks away from, but he may not engage with that either.

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