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AIBU?

To feel like I'm 'lesser' than others for living in a very small house?

261 replies

VenusPlanet · 29/03/2024 11:01

I live in a very middle class area.
But my house is one of the few that are very small. Tiny.
And I feel bad about it in comparison to others in my area that are living in much bigger, much more expensive houses.
It's an awful feeling.
I'm really sociable by nature but I never invite any friends round because all my friends live in big 4 or 5 bedroom detached houses and I'm embarrassed for them to come to mine. I have a mix of my own long term friends, and lots of mum friends who live in my area that I've made friends with from school, and every one of them lives in a large detached home, and lots of them are planning large kitchen extensions with bifolds when their kitchens are already 4 times the size of mine to start with, many of them have lovely loft conversions to create another room with ensuite, and some of them have second homes on top of this too.
My DD has made a new friend, we both got invited round for a playdate, sat in their colossal sized kitchen and the mum told me all about how they'd put a huge extension on the back of their house and created an extra bedroom with en suite in their loft "because the kids are only going to get bigger", but they already had a big house to begin with.
Then I went to collect my DS from a friend's house a few weeks ago, Ahh I thought as I walked in, at last, a house that is the same size as mine......only for the mum to greet me with the news that they are having a 6 metre rear extension and a loft conversion "because the size of this house (the same size as my house) is much too small for a family of 4". Meanwhile I live in my same sized house as a family of 4.
My house measures 18 ft wide by 25 ft deep. That's the whole footprint. My kitchen is tiny. We have no hallway. The 3rd bedroom is a tiny box room measuring 6ft wide by 9 ft.
Our next door neighbour, who we are joined on to, have a humongous rear extension, it's honestly huge, and now they are getting a double story side extension as well because "The kids are both getting bigger now (they're both in KS1 at primary school) so we need more space". They are a family of 4 like us, living in an already extended house making it much bigger than ours, yet they still think their house needs further extension.
A neighbour up the road has had a massive double story side extension to create a 4th bedroom and bigger kitchen.
A mum friend, whose house is way bigger than mine and detached with a huge garden etc., has a kitchen that is not that much bigger than mine, I mean it is about 50% bigger than mine, but not 4 times the size like other friends kitchens are. Yesterday we met up and she announced they're getting a big rear extension because of their "poky little kitchen" which will become a utility room and the 5 metre extension will become their new kitchen. But their 'poky' kitchen is bigger than mine. So why say this to me?
We will never, ever be in the position to extend, or move to a bigger house.
We could have bought a bigger, more spacious house, in a cheaper area. But we put lots of consideration in to location, and decided to buy a small house in a very expensive area that's a wonderful location.
But I didn't expect to get these feelings of unworthiness about how small our house is compared to everyone else's.
If they've all got huge houses or are getting their similar sized homes massively extended, then they must look at us in sympathy, surely? And I hate that thought, i really do.
A very old friend from childhood bought a house the same size as our house, at the same time, in a different area. After 2 years they moved up the ladder and bought a much bigger house. Recently she came round to visit with her kids and asked "Have you got any plans to move to a bigger house?" almost in a feeling sorry for me way. "No" I replied bluntly. I thought "We're struggling enough trying to pay the mortgage on this house! Let alone a bigger mortgage on a bigger house!".
Another old friend from Uni sat on my sofa moaning about the small size of her house and how they're looking to move because they can't cope with the size of their house, she currently lives in a house much bigger than mine, has the same sized family, same age kids, and she sat and moaned about the lack of 5 bedroom detached houses available in her area and how they are going to have to reluctantly settle for a 4 bedroom detached house instead, and she looked really genuinely fed up about it. I was incredulous and thought "How can you sit there moaning about your big house when you are sitting in my house which is half the size of the house you currently live in and are moaning about it being too small?!".
A mum friend came to collect her child from a playdate at our house, I was in the kitchen making her a cup of tea, and she stood in my kitchen and said "How on earth do you manage in such a small kitchen? There's only enough room for 1 person in here!".
Another mum friend came round to see me when I was ill, offered to make me and her a cup of tea, which she did, then gave it to me and said "Actually when I was making our tea I realised that there is actually space to make dinner" I was too ill to respond but I had never, ever mentioned my kitchen to this friend. Never. It was as though she'd been having a conversation in her own head about it, or as though she'd been having a conversation with someone else about my kitchen.
And another mum came round to collect her child from a playdate, and was head swivelling all over the place looking at my home. She didn't say anything. I don't know her well. But I do know that she was staring at every inch of my home in every direction in rather an exaggerated way, and I do know that she lives in a double fronted detached house with multiple rooms.
So all of this makes me feel like crap for underachieving in terms of my affordability to buy a bigger, seemingly thought of by others as what would be thought of as a 'better', house.
Am I going mad to be bothered by living in a small house and interpeting that as feeling bad about myself and feeling bad for my children that I haven't given them a big house to grow up in?
Why am I coming up against such house snobbery from people when they come to my house?
I never mention my house size, or anything about it, to anyone! I don't even comment on it to others!
My children have started making comments about how big their friends houses are when they get invited round to play, in a matter of fact way, but even they are noticing how much bigger other friends houses are compared to ours.

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Singleandproud · 29/03/2024 11:06

I was always the child in the smaller house and now I'm the adult in the smaller. I don't invite others over either, however I am very glad not to have lots of cleaning to do and heating my home costs barely anything. My disposable income is far higher than my friends with the big houses though so it's swings and roundabouts.