To tell BIL to leave

[leeezik]

I've been with DH for 10 years, his brother turned 17 a month ago. He's been living with us for the past 5 years as MIL’s new partner was offered a job abroad and he wanted to stay at his school with his friends etc. He visits his mum a few times a year but has recently started saying he doesn't want to.

He started college in September but since he’s been drinking often and smoking weed and his attitude has changed. DH has spoken to him about all of this and he isn't interested.

He's very capable but his attendance is very poor, he tries to sleep all day (after staying up all night) and we (me) are met with a lot of sweating if we wake him up, or even if my DS has been too loud. We've tried turning the wifi off but he has data so it doesn't make a difference. MIL isn't interested.

He has a girlfriend and she's constantly over, if we tell him she can't come round he ignores us, but I do think their relationship is very unhealthy but I don't want to make this post too long.

His room is a mess with plates and glasses and I'm at my wits end. He's also told us today he's thinking of dropping out of college as it isn't for
him.

WIBU to tell him to leave if he does end up dropping out?

Where would he go?

YANBU!

Your house, your rules.

I'd be putting a written contract down in front of him with the rules and expectations and making it very clear that any rule breaking and he will have 28 days notice to move out.

Back to MILs house! So abroad!

The MIL needs to take responsibility!

You are being 100% reasonable.

Sorry I wrote that too rudely the first time, he's only 17 of course so needs help not kicking out but you're totally reasonable to tell MIL you can't house him anymore and he'll need to go to her. You gave him the chance to have his choice of where to live and he has totally disrespected your home. You could try a final ultimatum to fix up or he'll have to go to her?

I'd tell him he's leaving anyway if he's smoking weed etc having him around your little one is not fair. But yes if he drops out he gets a 1 way ticket to MIL.

Wtaf. His Mum doesn’t want him and now he’s engaging in typical teenage difficult behaviour you don’t love him enough to see him through it either.

How cruel.

This is just horrible, you took him on, he’s 17, you have a responsibility, it’s way to late to change your mind because the goings got a bit tough.

I think you need to ask your Dh whether he plans on accepting this behaviour from your child?? Because he's setting an awful example. Tbh the weed and non attendance at college would have put him on a warning at mine.

So you've essentially been bringing up this kid since he was 12? But you've never had any actual authority? Sounds very tricky.

What does you husband say is his plan on dealing with his brother? Why is his mother allowed to absolve herself of any parental responsibility?

What an absolute fucking disaster. How did it come to this? Take control, tell the girlfriend she is not allowed in your home, tell your brother-in-law the rules he needs to follow, and if that doesn't work your husband has to deal with this.

Your marriage is in big trouble.

I would tell him to leave, and pay for his air fare to his mum's.

Who is financing him? Who has been paying his living expenses for the last 5 years? Throwing him out on the streets is a bit harsh but you need some agreement with him what behaviour is acceptable in your home. You and your DH need to discuss and agree what is going to happen and what consequences will be

WTF with a mum who was happy to leave her son behind while she moved abroad?! 😳

"he wanted to stay at his school with his friends etc. "
And now he doesn't want to stay in school/college, he wants to drop out. His reason for staying in the UK with his brother has therefore expired, and it's time his mother welcomed him back home.

In the interim, your husband needs to work with you to present a united front. BIL's girlfriend should be told to her face she's not welcome any more and to leave. MIL should be told in no uncertain terms she needs to step up to the plate and parent her bloody son! BIL should be packed up and sent to live with his mother.

Since it's your BIL this needs to be addressed by your DH or you'll end up caught in the blowback. Quite honestly your BIL is behaving like a lot of 17 year olds but he's not your child and he's not your responsability. Your DH needs to sort this

I think it depends on whether you and DJ see yourselves as his adopted family in the sense that you've taken him on as your own or if he is still very clear that you see it as a favour to his mum.

In either case, I'm not sure where you think he will go? His mum clearly isnt bothered and I think you're too far down the rabbit hole after 5 years to wash your hands and say not my problem.

Id start with a serious conversation when things arent heated about your concerns about his future but the impact he 8s having on the rest of the family. You see him as a son etc and no son of yours will behave that way under your roof so no improvements and you're not paying for phone etc and he will be made to move out on his 18th birthday.

I find it quite depressing that this is now considered typical teenage behaviour. I would be telling him that he leaves your house on turning 18, the utter disrespect is appalling.
If he thinks he is adult enough to score weed he is adult enough to find somewhere to live.