To ask to invite someone else on this hen do?

[PearlClutcher101]

I’ll prefix by saying I get incredibly anxious around people I don’t know - tend to mask it well by playing the clown, over sharing, drinking too much etc.

Going on a hen do later this year. Bride is someone I’ve known for 25+ years, we lost touch a bit after school but are fairly close now. It’s an overnight stay with the usual ‘festivities’ (already difficult as I’m a recovering alcoholic). The only other person I know is the organiser (bride’s best friend) who I’ve met once before and swore I’d never go out with again after how she behaved (shouting/swearing in a restaurant, then got into a fight).

Organiser has invited a friend who the bride doesn’t know. Turns out this girl is someone I caught in bed with my boyfriend many years ago - ok water under the bridge but I’m not exactly going to be bffs with her! So safe to say I’m dreading it.

I can’t not go, but WIBU to ask if I can invite another friend? It’s someone the bride has met before, has on socials, etc. and would make me feel a lot more comfortable. But it’s not my hen do nor am I organising it!

Are you sure you can't not go? That really seems like the best option. Do talk to the bride about what you'll find difficult and that a friend would help and see what she says.

As a recovering addict I wouldn’t attend this. I don’t think you can ask to invite someone to someone else’s hen do. I would feel obligated to say yes but I really wouldn’t want them there.

Of course you can not go. What’s the worst that would happen?

You can’t ask to invite someone, you’ll put her in an awful position.

Just decline. Say your recovery means you’re avoiding boozy gatherings. If she’s a good friend she’ll respect that. Honestly, it’s just not worth it.

You can definitely just not go! Sounds like an absolute nightmare.

The only answer is not to go, surely? I know you said that you "can't not go", but why is that?

I would 100% decline in this instance. Make an excuse (or be honest about your recovery, whichever you prefer) and perhaps take the bride out for dinner / afternoon tea on another date.

Dont put yourself through an ordeal. It sounds like it would be a really bad experience (for more than one reason!).

I already paid my deposit, plus I know the bride really wants me there as despite the alcohol issues she sees me as her steady sensible friend (I think she’s anxious about the organiser friend too).

I just thought if the organiser can invite someone the bride doesn’t even know it might be ok to invite someone she does know (and likes)

Decline, and suggest to the bride you’ll take her out for lunch or something to make up for missing it. It’s pretty weird that the organiser invited someone the bride doesn’t even know to her hen do. Did she know the backstory between you and the woman who was with your cheating bf?

Why not say to bride… ‘Hey, Katie doesn’t know about our plans, should I invite her?’

Tou can't invite a random to a hen do and equally you can not go, explain what you've said here to the bride

'Hey Bride, I'm feeling really anxious about the hen... struggling at the moment being around alcohol, especially with so many people I don't know, but I want to be there for you and don't want to let you down. Would it be ok to bring xx to help make it a bit easier?'

A good friend will understand. And remember it's her decision, not the organiser's.

No she didn’t know. We were all teenagers and I bet this woman doesn’t even remember it happening! I genuinely don’t think the bride will be a fan of her either!

You can absolutely not go, you have a few very valid reasons. Sod the deposit.
Explain to the bride and offer a lunch/spa/cinema/other outing instead.
If she's a decent mate she will understand how a recovering alcoholic with anxiety will struggle in a group she doesn't know doing activities revolving around drink.
Honestly, the very best thing I learned to do (and it took me bloody years) was to say no. I was such a people pleaser and put up with so much shit I didn't want to do or didn't like. Even down to my wedding day. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to refuse.

Just don't go. There are several good reasons why not going would be fine. Put yourself first.

Gosh, just don't go. It's irrelevant whether the bride is dying for you to attend or not, and it's not your job to be the 'sensible friend' or to control the bride's shouty, aggressive best friend. Unless you're all still very young, something that happened with a teenage boyfriend wouldn't even register with me, but being in recovery is a serious reason to decline attending some events.

Decline the hen do and offer to do something else with the bride that involves fewer people and no booze - eg getting a manicure or a facial.

It sounds like quite a high risk situation around relapse. Lots of alcohol, old demons, potential aggression and people you don't like and who make you stressed. Can you not just say to your friend is too high risk and have a different celebration separately? I'd also be open about the random woman and that is adding to the situation. Failing that it's not the end of the world to invite someone else with the brides permission I feel quite sorry for her.

God it sounds awful, but that aside, I don't see the harm in asking.

Decline OP . Too much risk and drama . Talk to the bride, real friends understand. You can both do something lovely together x

Just don’t go. You can’t insist you take a random (to the bride) to her hen do just to make it more comfortable for you.

If you still want to go there's no harm in asking to bring a friend. My cousin brought ne along to her friend's hen do weekend. We had a great time!