To be so affected by this conversation with my ex

[ChristmasGutPunch]

He was horrible, he was abusive in many ways, I've been glad to be free of him for a long while, I left him. He contacted me yesterday and during the conversation asked why I'd never had children and that they're wonderful and I should have as I'd have been a great mum and it was such a waste. What is a waste?! This is a life choice of mine that I've never been very doubtful about (obviously thought about it a lot as am now in my 40s) but now I feel smashed apart.

He has three children who ARE wonderful but thanks entirely to his ex wife. But he still gets to revel in lovable family man public image. And, of course, they do love him.

I always knew children are a fabulous choice if they were right for you but that for various reasons it wasn't right for me. No doubts.

It has been a hard year so far and everyone knows horrible guys just get in your head as a hobby and this is probably a focus for other strupid problems/the straw that broke the camel's back. I should be stronger than this but I powerfully wish right now I had made different choices and was in the centre of a huge family (or at least a bit of one). I have been thinking about how my own mum raised me (well meaning but emotionally harsh and she didn't enjoy it much) and how I lack the skills to love or nurture someone else. I wish I could go back and love and nurture baby me so I might have turned out differently.

Sorry about this what is my aibu I guess aibu to be this old and (usually) quite sensible and have been broken into bits about my life choices by a dick. I've been thinking about how possible it is to have babies at my age and then thinking no that's ridiculous I really can't unsettled my whole life because of a guy who only wanted to upset me (mission accomplished). I wonder also if I might have COVID coming on as that has been known to make me emotionally ridiculous.

I really feel for you but he is just a dick. I hope that you've now blocked him on everything.
We often reach points in our lives where we take stock of our choices and beliefs whether this is by choice or foisted upon you as in your case. It's healthy to occasionally re-examine things that we've done and sometimes it isn't. Before his call you were completely comfortable with your decision to not have children and now he's on purposely put doubt in your head.
Are you currently at an age where you are reaching the limits of fertility? This would indeed unsettle a lot people.
Were you, deep down, having some sense of regret already that the ex tapped into unwittingly?
Or is he just a wanker hoping to give you a bit of a mindfuck? Did he say other things to try and needle you but this is the only one that pierced you?

Your mother was not nurturing and this appears to be confusing your thoughts right now. My mother was awful and just so abusive in every way and it still affects me even now. I've had periods of psychotherapy since and I'm not sure that I will ever be completely whole. You say that you wish that you could go back and nurture the young you so I think that some serious psychotherapy will help you unpick your feelings. Your thinking is possibly consequential: poor childhood nurturing = sealing yourself into a self container unit = choosing not to have children = being happy with not having children/life = reaching self examination point (willing or not - as in your case) = self doubt = questioning decisions = feeling unhappy and feeling panic = questioning decisions = feeling alone = questioning decisions and so on.
I have never felt completely whole and never will but therapy has enabled me to accept that and live life my way. I'm not sure that this will help but it may not do any harm to find a level of acceptance. One thing that I will add is that I did choose to have children and I know that I was not the best parent that my children deserved and I damaged them - I have to live with that.

Thanks @MothralovesGojira

Re what a person has to give as a mother, I really don't think you should beat yourself up about that. Nobody is perfect and everyone will balance something a bit off. We're literally only human. I don't blame my mum - she grew up the only child of a widow. She gave absolutely everything she could and I'm not all bad. I just wish I could have connected with an inner mum at some point. I don't think she's there.

I'm at the stage where it may already be too late although I still feel pretty normal hormonally/in cycle terms. A few friends are trying IVF and I know nothing can be assumed. There's no point in regret, I know this. He's not a very complicated guy and he probably just thinks "women love babies why don't you have any?"

I am probably in that stupid situation where I'm not so much worried about the choice I made but how others will view me for the choice (pitiable, lonely, unloveable). Dumb.

He was horrible, he was abusive in many ways, I've been glad to be free of him for a long while, I left him. He contacted me yesterday and during the conversation...

Why was there a conversation? Why on earth did you engage in a conversation with a man who abused you? Just block him. What's the point of splitting with someone if you continue to let them get to you like that?

...asked why I'd never had children and that they're wonderful and I should have as I'd have been a great mum and it was such a waste

It's incredibly fucking obvious that he's manipulating you. He knew this would make you feel bad and he knew it would prey on your mind in exactly the way it has. He's basically pretended he was paying you a compliment with the 'You'd have been such a great mum' stuff, while actually knowing full well that what he said would be hurtful to you.

Seriously, HOW can you not see what he's doing? WHY are you letting him mess with your head like this?

I know @KreedKafer I know exactly what he's like (and how terrible it would have been if we'd had a baby together). My feelings aren't coming from the brain, though, more from the bones.

I am probably in that stupid situation where I'm not so much worried about the choice I made but how others will view me for the choice (pitiable, lonely, unloveable). Dumb.
@ChristmasGutPunch no no no. I'm an older woman, have kids, have grandkids, I meet younger women choosing NOT to have kinds and I think, what a smart cookie, great to be living in an age when you can freely make that choice and have more control over how your life goes. Pitiable, lonely and unlovable? Never. Independent, smart, freedom of mind. There are no correct choices, there are the right choices FOR YOU and it sounds like you made that choice.
Idiot man. Not worth your brain space.

Why are you still in contact with your ex

Stop contact

I think most people have a period in their life when they panic they may have made the wrong choices. It's probably the result of certain paths no longer being realistic options when once they were. You were feeling fine about the way your life was going until your ex said something so you are possibly more accepting of your choices than others. If you had have had children with him you would be tied to him. He'd still be able to mess with your feelings regularly. I would not regret not binding yourself to him.

@ChristmasGutPunch
Thank you for your kind words. My kids do understand and know what happened to me. They do forgive me I think and I have tried to be the best parent that I can be - I'm (nearly) always available and parented the exact opposite to how I was dragged up so it's not so bad.
None of them are likely to have children by choice but all for different reasons and none of those reasons are down to my parenting thank goodness!
I think that the only people who view the childfree as suspect & sad are those who are so family oriented that they can't see why people choose to be different. Virtually all westernised countries are seeing a drop in birth rates as young people are realising that being childfree is a valid life choice and that the attitude of job, marriage, kids, grandkids then death isn't the only way to go. Whether this is selfish or revolutionary is for future generations to judge. I certainly don't judge those who make this choice and I do not expect others to judge me for my choices either. South Korea's birth rate is now down to 0.5% solely down to young women actively choosing not to have children and bucking societal expectations of them.

It sounds like you have made the right choices for you OP and you're just having a wobble. After all, having children doesn't guarantee that you won't die alone or have someone to look after you in your dotage.

Thanks and I know I know I just hate having to block people it feels so dramatic. He definitely lacks the imagination to see that people can be different. I should not get sucked into that world view. He ofc also has no appreciation of everything his ex did and gave to raise their kids while he worked away and got to be Fun Dad a day or so a week.

You were unreasonable to let this loser speak to you about this or any other topic. He just wanted to take a swipe at you. Don't give him the chance to do it again.

I know this is a very old thread, but I was very moved by your post, @ChristmasGutPunch, and I hope you are happy again now. If you’d had a child with your dickhead ex you would be stuck with him in your life for years to come. Bullet dodged!

@MothralovesGojira, thanks for your honesty and insight. I wish you happiness too.

Blocking is super undramatic and should be absolutely standard with anyone who abuses you. The drama lies with those who keep engaging with people who make them miserable.

You were extremely unreasonable for allowing him to talk to you and honestly, you deserved what you got. If you are just going to keep being a doormat, people will keep wiping their boots on you.

PS I know it's old too, responded anyway.