To feel friendless

[Olhfrews]

Mid 30s and it's dawned on me in recent years how I just don't have any friends nearby for regular contact and am also not great at maintaining friendships.

I have a few from uni that I see a couple of times a year but they live far away these days and not really in very regular contact like we were 10 years ago.

Other uni friends have drifted. I saw a picture on IG the other day of two girls out together that I was very close to around 12 years ago. They are still best friends but my contact with them both has dried up. There was no fall out or bad blood, it just sort of happened and got worse after 2020.

I'm probably to blame for not making much effort but life (house move, baby, stressful job, miscarriages) happens and you don't have same amount of time to invest in people like in 20s. I'm hoping someone will come and tell me this is normal as right now I feel like a bit of a failure.

I'm in a new area and have joined a gym and language class. I have chit chats with people there and have even gone to study groups with them etc but wouldn't class it as friendship. They're acquaintances. Also have some lovely colleagues who are almost like friends and know a lot about me but if I changed jobs I don't think it would continue.

Recently I sort of made a new mum acquaintance and she is nice but conversation is just about kids and sometimes it feels like that's all we have in common and I find the topic a bit tedious tbh. Im so antisocial I'd rather just go for a walk by myself while baby sleeps in pram listening to an audiobook

AIBU to feel like a friendless failure?

Friendships take time and effort and, for one reason or another, you haven’t had these to give. If you like your company and are busy with your baby, that’s a win and not a failure. You sound pretty busy anyway and some friendships may come out of your other activities. It’s not as easy now than in your teens and early 20s when you have instant connection with people, often based on very little.

You and me both! It's hard to maintain a friendship with age because we aren't friends for friends sake and if we don't fully enjoy all aspects we tend to pull away. It's good for self esteem and knowing one's worth but it's shit for loneliness.

There's not many people I can spend time with and not have rolled my eyes or thought what the fuck during our conversations. That probably sounds stuck up but it will be because they're overly confident/bragging or I know they're lying about something or they've made something up because it fits.

Why are you choosing to spend time with people you don’t like?

OP, you need to decide whether you’re ultimately happy with the status quo.

Well I don't. That's my point. You move away from them and end up a bit friendless - but if I am spending time with someone it will be because of work or friend of a friend or I'm trying to make friends so meeting people.

OK, but the majority of the people you meet via work or as friends of friends are over-confident braggers or liars..?

When you’re young it’s easy to maintain friendships. You have lots of time to socialise and are pushed together regularly through school and uni. Fewer people have committed partners or other time consuming commitments.

Bu your thirties you really have to actively work at it. If you like people you have to reach out regularly and sometimes put yourself out when you’d rather not or don’t really feel like it. Otherwise friendships will wither quite quickly.

And if you want to build new friendships you have to push existing relationships out of acquaintance level by suggesting and committing to meeting up. Giving it a go a few times, remembering important stuff about them and acknowledging it. Eventually friendships form. But it won’t just happen. It takes work.

Think now if there are any work or hobby people you think could be friends and reach out. Suggest a drink or coffee. Or you’ll be in the same position in 10 years time.

I think most of the time I'm OK with the situation and just carry on but things like seeing that IG post of the two old friends remind me of lost friendships and I feel a bit down.

I know I need to make more effort with acquaintances going forward and will aim to do that.

@TheSolstices yes. And it's not because I'm the problem. It's because different people like different things and I can't be bothered with it. For example, In my last workplace out of 6 people there was one I always enjoyed the company of. Reasons for the others were one was an open benefit fraud, one was completely out for herself and didn't understand compromise or not getting their way, one lied between people about life situations and was snaky, one was lazy and did no work but as they weren't caught out saw no reason to improve and one made it clear they thought themselves better than me and had zero people skills. They were the manager. Obviously I left.

In my personal life, I have a friend who has recently started bragging all the time about how amazing she is. I absolutely think we should be proud of our accomplishments and tell people but this is in a "put everyone else down" sort of way.

I don't mind if people don't like me. I just move on but as this progresses there is obviously less and less people.

@TheSolstices I know you didn't ask for my life story but here it is anyway haha

I think this is very normal and happens to so many people in their 30s. I don't really have an answer, other than you have to be super ballsy with asking people you meet for phone numbers and contacting people to meet up. It's a lot of effort.

If you're happy as things are though, it might be better to not put too much effort in and just see if friendships appear naturally from the things you do.

you’ve moved to a new area, you have a small child, true friendships take years to build.

I would echo what Dorothea above said. If you want to have friends you need to work at it. People accept that as life changes then sometimes relationships change, but good friends understand that. I also don't agree that it gets harder to make friends as you get older. You have to be open to people, talk to them, be willing to make the first move.
I'm now in my sixties and have friends from 30 years ago and one I met six months ago.
I schedule a night a week to either phone a friend to catch up or go out with a friend. I realise that might not suit you but I found it helps to remind me to make time for others.

Thanks for all the comments and advice.

I think in the past there was always people around(work in office, housemates etc) plus I lived in a big city and plenty to do.

These days it's work from home in very small town in rural Wales and different kettle of fish.

There are places to go and people to meet etc but I'll just have to make sure I put more effort and time in.

I feel sad I couldn't maintain some of the old friendships from before but I do feel like our lives diverged tbh. One 14 year friendship ended when my friend found out I was pregnant for example as she can't have kids for medical reasons. Very sad but I understand why she doesn't keep in touch now

Well, that sounds like an unusually gruesome set of colleagues! Did you stay in touch with the person you liked after you left? Has something happened to make your longtime friend suddenly start monologuing about how great she is?

You just sound phenomenally unlucky with the people you’re encountering. I’m fussy about who I make friends with, but only during my six years living in a specific village did I really encounter a long run of people I found small-minded and unattractive. I moved here in 2020 and have found that the parents of DS’s friends, my colleagues, some neighbours etc have been overwhelmingly really interesting.

Op Im 50s and find nobody wants to commit. Not sure why. People bit lazy in friendships. Im in a walk group so that gets me out. Coffee the odd week. I tend do things alone. Can get lonely. Find people ages replying to texts. Sigh.

I'm not saying this to brag, but I'm mid 30s and have lots of friends, a group from school, and old work group, a group of women I lived with in my 20s and now a group of mums, but I put SIGNIFICANT effort in.

I'm constantly arranging meet ups, calling for a chat on the commute, texting, remember key events in their life. I celebrate new jobs, baby's, house moves, go on every hen do, birthday night out.

I want to do all that that, I absolutely love having other women around me, and whilst i don't mind a bit of solitude I know I would feel bereft without, so it's worth my effort.

If that's not worth it for you then I don't think there's anything wrong with not having a lot of friends, but I also don't think it's surprising!

Wow that's a lot of effort but good on you for keeping so many friendships going.

I think I'd find that many overwhelming but even just a few people or one small group would be nice.

I’m 51, with lots of friends, but I don’t go to anywhere near that amount of trouble!

What's the secret to low maintenance friendships?

@TheSolstices I agree! I don't live in a small village but I grew up in one and it's probably skewed my view. I do keep in touch with the lovely one but not enough. You've inspired me to message her so thank you for that.

My friend completed her degree and got a job earning more than me. So happy for her but she just seems to rub it in my face now. Both of us are comfortable (there's not much in it, less than 10k) so not like one of us is left out or poor but it's the "I wouldn't get out of bed for less" sort of thing. None with malice and she's entirely oblivious to it.

You have hit a nail on the head there tho. I live in an area that I don't know anybody and I don't have any clubs to join etc etc and it doesn't seem to be that kind of place. You sound to have it all sorted which sounds lovely.

Honestly, @TesticularHeft — I’ve moved around a fair bit in my life, and if it’s taught me anything, it’s that, however pro-active you are at making friends, sometimes there’s just a mismatch of person and environment.

The village I mentioned is the only place I’ve lived in adulthood where I’ve never found kindred spirits (well, there are two people I do keep in touch with from there), and where I live now (small city, vibrant arts and music scene, festivals, good walking country nearby) suits someone who likes literature, music, the visual arts and being outdoors, and means I get to meet other people who also like this stuff, so I have a better chance of running into people who share interests.

@Olhfrews — I don’t know. I suppose I’m an independent person who likes alone time as much as I do company, so I presumably attract other fairly independent people? Also, I’m not very dependent on a few relationships, or groups. I certainly don’t recognise the model of friendships I sometimes read about on here where people are messaging one another all day talking about what they had for lunch and their Tesco order, or pitching a fit because someone forgot a birthday or didn’t invite them to something.

One close friend I’ve only seen about twice in six months (both busy) but he got in touch this week to see if I want to climb a mountain this weekend, and I’ve said yes. Another close friend tends to withdraw when she’s not in a great place, but I don’t need ‘maintenance’ messages. She knows I’ll be happy to hear from her when she feels like it.

What you've described sounds like how I like to operate with the few friends I still have from uni. I'd just like a few more where I'm living now and that would be grand.

I don't really need a big group or to be invited to places every single weekend. Just doing nice things now and again is fine.

I suppose I look at others who are the type to text all day and wonder if I've got it all wrong but I think I'd find that a bit much tbh