‘Would you/have you ever dated a person of colour’ - why ask this?

[Selenaso]

I’m white. A few days ago I was standing waiting for a bus and a black guy also waiting struck up a conversation with me - friendly, a bit flirty, not that serious. We were chatting about various things, and then at a certain point he said ‘can I ask: would you date a black guy? Have you ever?’ He wasn’t asking me out as far as I could tell (my bus was about to come), it was more like he just wanted to know.

It reminded me though of a couple of times in the past when I have been on dates with people who happened to be of colour (one first date which went nowhere, one first date that turned into a four year relationship), in both cases they asked me the same thing. AIBU to think this is a strange question, and not really understand the motivation for asking it? My reply to the guy at the bus stop is that I would like to date a nice person, and that is my answer, basically. I don’t want to be naive about the fact that racism both overt and covert still exists in the UK, it obviously very much does, but I really would not expect the vast majority of people my age or younger (I’m late 30s), or honestly most people ten years older, to see an interracial relationship as an issue or really even think about it in those terms, unless they had some very specific issues like an overtly racist/BNP type family (if white) or maybe a fairly traditional recent immigrant family who were hoping their child would marry someone of the same cultural heritage/religion (if of colour).

However the fact that people of colour have repeatedly asked me this question on dates suggests they clearly feel it is a potential issue for at least some white people, and I don’t want to be clueless as I assume if they’re feeling that, it’s based on some experiences with white people that they’re having. Maybe the aim of the question is to try and suss out stealth racism, but surely a white person who is on a date with a person of colour, even if they do have covert racism or unconscious bias, is not going to admit to it so in that sense I don’t get what the question is intended to achieve? And I don’t understand the point of asking if you’ve been in a relationship with a person of colour before? If you say yes, is that somehow going to make this current completely different relationship better? Or is the aim to try and suss out if you’ve got some weird fetish and only date people of a particular race (like some white men are meant to have a weird fetishising thing about Asian women)?

I know I should have asked the person why they were asking the question, either in the bus stop conversation or more productively the person I had a long relationship with, but somehow at the time I didn’t think to do it, the conversation moved on and we had other things to talk about. It’s only looking back that I’m wondering why this question repeatedly gets asked. AIBU?

YABU - it’s obvious why someone would ask, and here’s why
YANBU - it’s a strange question

[JordanPeterson]

Just tell them Martin Luther King taught you not to judge people by the colour of their skin

& so you date people based on the content of their character

[Selenaso]

@JordanPeterson

Just tell them Martin Luther King taught you not to judge people by the colour of their skin

& so you date people based on the content of their character

Edited

I’m not asking how I should reply. I’m asking what is the aim in asking the question, and AIBU to think it’s a strange question.

[GKD]

I’m a black female, the response above would have my heckles up.
Quite patronising.

OP I feel the question is rude, intrusive etc esp if a passing conversation.

But my immediate thought is that as a black person I feel in the spotlight at present as the levels of racism are through the roof.

Therefore is it possible they are feeling the same and effectively questioning whether you are repulsed by black people/men as so many seem to be just now.

I do wonder whether this has been in our multicultural cities or somewhere with a teeny number of black folk.

[Coincidentally]

I would not get into a conversation about dating with a casual person at a bus stop! He was out of order -like a bald man chatting to you and asking if you works ever date a bald man.

[Selenaso]

@GKD in all three cases it was in a multicultural city (three different cities as it happens). Agree with you that the suggested response is obnoxious, I suspect designedly so.

[BCBird]

It is not something I would ever ask in particular not in a casual conversation. I can however see why people might choose to ask, even though I appreciate people might find this uncomfortable. . I'm a mixed race woman . I think people have preferences of what they find attractive and that might include skin colour. I would not think of this as racist. My last relationship was with someone of different colour to me.

[ohfook]

Are you sure he wasn't just chatting you up?

I think sometimes race can add a layer of complexity to dating and it it's not an issue for you or your family it's easy to forget that it wouldn't be the case for everyone. I was once a few dates in with a guy from a SE Asian family when he told me he was enjoying himself but it couldn't go any further than casual dating because his family wouldn't be ok with it.

[GKD]

@Selenaso

@GKD in all three cases it was in a multicultural city (three different cities as it happens). Agree with you that the suggested response is obnoxious, I suspect designedly so.

Oh ok, I was just asking out of interest.

as PP says, maybe the last fella prob was testing the ground to chat you up, still ‘no filter’ territory though!

Maybe I’ve read too much into it.

[TammyJones]

I think he wanted to ask you out and was just testing the water.

[Selenaso]

Yeah he may have been chatting me up, but that still raises the question, why ask the question?

I guess even if someone thinks they’re giving a non-racist answer, their answer could be a useful screening tool, like if they answer ‘of course, black guys are so hot’ personally that would put me off (if I was a black guy) as it would suggest they weren’t seeing me as an individual.

I still don’t get the question about ‘have you dated a black guy before’, though. I think next time I will hopefully have my wits more about me and ask, why does it matter?

[RiderofRohan]

I'm not sure of the point of this post.

The guy at the bus stop seems like a weirdo and your conversation with him strange. Hardly a topic I'd get into at the bus stop.

But if you are in an interracial relationship, skin colour will likely come up at points in your life. My white husband would jokingly asked if my parents (black) were ok with a 'pasty white man' dating their daughter early on in our relationship.

I suspect he felt insecure about my family's opinion adversely affecting our relationship. I can only imagine this might be much worse as a non-white man, given that racism is still rife.

[Selenaso]

@RiderofRohan

I'm not sure of the point of this post.

The guy at the bus stop seems like a weirdo and your conversation with him strange. Hardly a topic I'd get into at the bus stop.

But if you are in an interracial relationship, skin colour will likely come up at points in your life. My white husband would jokingly asked if my parents (black) were ok with a 'pasty white man' dating their daughter early on in our relationship.

I suspect he felt insecure about my family's opinion adversely affecting our relationship. I can only imagine this might be much worse as a non-white man, given that racism is still rife.

Well the guy at the bus stop clearly wasn’t that weird, in the sense of unusual, given that I’ve been asked the question both other times that I’ve happened to be out with a person of colour. That was sort of my point. I think people are focusing too much on bus stop guy as if he was the only example I gave, my point is that I have been asked this question repeatedly so there are evidently multiple people of colour in the UK who feel it’s a question they need or want to ask when on a date with a white person.

[Selenaso]

Well if they want to go out with you it sort of is their business?

[Notts276]

I'm a woman of colour, mixed heritage. I suspect it's because they've been told in the past "I don't date black guys / X ethnicity" or there is an awareness that a lot of white people are only interested in dating other white people (fact).
Personally I've been told multiple times "I don't usually go for Asian girls".

I find the tone of your OP and responses weirdly suspicious and hostile, like PoC must explain themselves for their incomprehensible questions. Your "Why does it matter" response reminds me of "I don't see race". Will be reporting I fear this thread will just be another opportunity for people to be racist.

[RiderofRohan]

@Selenaso

Well the guy at the bus stop clearly wasn’t that weird, in the sense of unusual, given that I’ve been asked the question both other times that I’ve happened to be out with a person of colour. That was sort of my point. I think people are focusing too much on bus stop guy as if he was the only example I gave, my point is that I have been asked this question repeatedly so there are evidently multiple people of colour in the UK who feel it’s a question they need or want to ask when on a date with a white person.

Nice to see you speaking for multiple people of colour across the UK based on your anecdotes.

The bus stop conversation was strange as it was too intimate for the setting.

As I pointed out, the topic of skin colour will come up at some point if you are dating interracially. If this is something that irks you, don't date non-white men. Most men in the UK are white so this shouldn't be a problem.

[Namerchanger1]

Yeah I don’t think there was anything deep and meaningful here, just your average creep hitting on you

[RiderofRohan]

@Notts276

I'm a woman of colour, mixed heritage. I suspect it's because they've been told in the past "I don't date black guys / X ethnicity" or there is an awareness that a lot of white people are only interested in dating other white people (fact).
Personally I've been told multiple times "I don't usually go for Asian girls".

I find the tone of your OP and responses weirdly suspicious and hostile, like PoC must explain themselves for their incomprehensible questions. Your "Why does it matter" response reminds me of "I don't see race". Will be reporting I fear this thread will just be another opportunity for people to be racist.

This

[Bridgetta]

@Selenaso

Well if they want to go out with you it sort of is their business?

You wouldn’t seriously go out with some randomer that hit on you at a bus station? It’s a rude question tbh and it’s not their business, quite frankly.

[Duh]

@JordanPeterson

Just tell them Martin Luther King taught you not to judge people by the colour of their skin

& so you date people based on the content of their character

Edited

Fuck me…. Encouraging white people to quote Martin Luther King to black people. I fucking despair.

[JordanPeterson]

@Duh

Fuck me…. Encouraging white people to quote Martin Luther King to black people. I fucking despair.

Stop the press!

Saying you're a fan of Martin Luther King is racist now

Whities, take note...

😂

[MCOut]

YANBU OP. As a black woman I think it’s an odd question that wouldn’t really achieve much for me. Perhaps it would help identify fetishisers as you suggested but that becomes obvious pretty quickly without having to actively dig.

I genuinely believe that being racist does not necessarily mean that someone will not date a poc they like. Sometimes it takes a few dates before they slip up, and you realise you have to throw that one back into the sea.

Perhaps it’s a more helpful question for men.

[RitaConnors]

@JordanPeterson

Just tell them Martin Luther King taught you not to judge people by the colour of their skin

& so you date people based on the content of their character

Edited

I actually gasped when I read this. You absolutely can't say that to people. 😮

[ghlily]

There is just so much racism in society. Black people are frequently told by white people that they don’t date black people, so that’s where the question comes from. I say this as someone who has been told this to my face.
Also having to deal with comments such as “you’re pretty for a black girl”. That’s the reason the man felt the need to ask such a question.

[CruCru]

Got to admit that my first thought was whether they are checking that you don’t have a fetish for black and Asian people. I used to have a friend who was half Chinese and she would get cross with weirdies who would try to get off with her because she was Chinese. It was amazing how many of them there were.

If this is a stranger asking then it’s a bit of a weird, personal question.