DH just seems completely oblivious to everything

[erin892]

I think I just need a rant.

DH is a good man, he's loyal and loving and a great dad but he just seems so oblivious sometimes and I'm sick of having to ask for things to be done or to help me.

I've been suffering back pain since the birth of our baby almost 11 months ago, I saw a dr today who's referred me to the hospital for scans etc, a chiropractor hasn't helped neither do strong painkillers, I'm in agony with my back most days.

We have an open plan living room and kitchen, he cooked whilst I bathed baby and did bedtime. I then washed up, this is an issue in itself. He'll use everything we own cooking wise for one meal, he doesn't wash as he goes etc so it takes me ages to sort it all out after.

The dog's food bowl is empty, there are toys that need to be put away in the play pen, dog also needs letting out for a wee. So I'm washing up, dog at my feet because he wants food and to be let out, trying to make DH lunch for work tomorrow, wash baby's bottles ready to be sterilised, refill milk pots ready for tomorrow. DH just sat there on his phone. I'm like hello? Please can you do something like either make your own lunch, sort the dog, wipe down babies high chair, fill the milk pots?

This is just an example. Another example is, leaving clothes on the floor his side of the bed. I never know what needs washing (obviously boxers and socks) but he changes out of uniform and he gets in so I don't know and don't keep track of how many times he's worn the T-shirt/shorts that are left every single night by the bed when he gets in.

I have to ask him and constantly remind him about bin and recycling otherwise he'll watch it pile up, my back is terrible and we live in first floor flat, I cannot physically carry them down and around into our bin store it kills me.

It's lots of little things that all add up to me feeling like his mother. I bring this up to every other month and he's on top of it for a couple of weeks then it slips back.

What do I even do about this? I'm tired of being up with the baby at 6:30/7 and not sitting down until gone 9:30 by the time I've had a shower. I don't get an evening because by 10pm I'm so tired I just want to go to bed.

[Pumpkinpie1]

I think you need a little holiday and let H look after baby and housework etc for a few days. He either needs to grow up and or pay for a cleaner.
Hes a Father not a Manchild and if he wants a long happy relationship he needs to stop being lazy.

[KateMiskin]

why on earth are you making his lunches?

[Maray1967]

Stop cooking his lunch for a start! Just tell him he’ll need to do it. Ask him to tidy up his clothes - if he doesn’t, chuck in his side of the wardrobe and leave it.

[LamonicBibber1]

Reading your list made me feel SO GOOD about leaving my ex husband, all of the mess and thoughtless stress created by him went with him. All my resentment melted away because I'm in charge now and it's all on me, no lazy useless disrespectful imitation of an adult dragging me down.

However - tell him that. Tell him how it will end up if he doesn't fully sort it himself. You don't have to split up, if he knows how serious it is, he should be able to change it. I bet he doesn't leave shit on the floor at work, or disrespect his colleagues that way... He's making an active choice every day to do this to you.

[WhatWillIWear]

Well, you feel like his mother because you’re acting like his mother (and a ridiculously indulgent one, too).

He’s a grown man - why are you picking up and sorting out his laundry?

Why are you making him lunch for the next day?

Explain to him once and for all about your back. You need him to do more than his half of baby care, dog care, bin duties, kitchen cleaning … The dog should be the first to go if things don’t improve …

[canyouletthedogoutplease]

Dint make his lunch. Don't do his laundry.

Tell him that sitting in his phone while you're still at it isn't on. Nobody sits doen til we can all sit down. Having to mother a partner is chronically unsexy and his lack of thought and care will erode your marriage until there is nothing left worth keeping.

If he can't understand that then you may as well show him the door now and save your energy, because he's either stupid or he doesn't give a shit.

[PickAChew]

Well for a start, don't do his laundry.

If you're going to do his laundry, anyhow, don't wash any of his clothes that don't go on the basket. If he continues to be selectively incompetent with his clothes but complains that things aren't washed, chuck everything in the basket, even if he is expecting to wear it again and you have no intention of washing it today. You're not going to do his thinking for him.

Whatever you do, don't out any more energy into second guessing him. Do apply the same logic to everything else he is lazy about. If it's something that benefits him more than you, don't put more effort than he does into it.

[PermanentTemporary]

I have to ask as well why you are ending up doing all the chores that are hardest on backs - bathing child, bedtime (lifting), washing up. Cooking a meal is not the equivalent amount of work.

Yes things have got to change. I think you as a couple need to cut some corners and to maje a plan while you are still recoverng from a birth injury. You as a person have got to invest the energy it takes to stop just filling the gaps he leaves.

Sit down and talk about this. You need the time to rest and to rehabilitate your back. I would strongly recommend that you find the money to see a specialist women's physiotherapist. That's your need. Come up with a plan together on how you are going to tackle this. But you have to speak up. If his part of the plan is eg 'I'm going to do my own laundry' or better yet 'all the laundry', that's fine but he also needs to understand that it isn't OK to let the baby's laundry fester unwashed so that it gets permanent stains or damp mould, or to have your bedroom a permanent floordrobe, or to shrink your knitwear because he thinks looking at fabric labels is beneath him [sore point for me]. Likewise if he does more alone with the baby, he has to actually do some of the things that are important, like talk to them, get toothbrushing done, read books with them, make local contacts etc.

And then you need to stick to it. If he's not doing his side, you need to invest the energy to say so, rather than just fill the gap yourself.

[NuffSaidSam]

Why have you made the choice to treat your DH like he's your son?

[NuffSaidSam]

@WhatWillIWear

Well, you feel like his mother because you’re acting like his mother (and a ridiculously indulgent one, too).

He’s a grown man - why are you picking up and sorting out his laundry?

Why are you making him lunch for the next day?

Explain to him once and for all about your back. You need him to do more than his half of baby care, dog care, bin duties, kitchen cleaning … The dog should be the first to go if things don’t improve …

I think the DH should be the first to go. It's not the dogs fault!

[grinandslothit]

Were you always doing everything even before the baby?

[skippy2024]

Look after your baby and yourself first.
The man child can pick up and wash his clothes, make his lunch.
Lighten up on picking up toys and perfection.
Do what's absolutely necessary and the rest he can do or wait till you feel better.

[Boombatty]

I agree with PP that you seem to be enabling this behaviour. If he leaves all his clothes on the side of the bed leave them there. He'll soon learn when he realises he has no clean clothes.

Share out the chores so that he is completely responsible for some of them. Don't remind him to do them. Let him experience the consequences of not doing the shopping or not cooking dinner.

On a separate note, my DH had chronic debilitating back pain for years and it was all caused by stress. Have a read of some books on chronic pain/TMS like this one https://www.amazon.co.uk/Way-Out-Revolutionary-Scientifically-Approach/?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

This approach completely cured my DH of his back pain. He had spent 3 years not moving on the sofa while I ran around with 2 toddlers!

[Aquamarine1029]

You're making his lunch and dealing with his laundry? Why the fuck are you doing this? Stop martyring yourself, stop allowing him to get away with not doing his fair share, and refuse to be his bloody mother.

[unsync]

Why are you making his lunch and doing his laundry (especially if he leaves it on the floor)? Why is he not doing his share? I feel that your definition of a good man needs revising. If he was a good man, you would not have needed to post this thread.

[bonzaitree]

Stop doing things for him. Do what is absolutely necessary for you the baby and the dogs survival.

[coxesorangepippin]

Just delegate tasks

Which is annoying, cos the mental load is on you

But at least it'll get done

[SnowFrogJelly]

@KateMiskin

why on earth are you making his lunches?

This!

Also how about a dishwasher

[Mrspatmoresspoon]

Agree with others you need to make him feel the pain of not contributing by stopping doing stuff that impacts him - lunches for example

[AlexaPlaySomeHappyHardcore]

As others have said, stop making his lunches and sorting his laundry for him. If the stuff doesn’t make it to the laundry basket, it doesn’t get washed. I have this understanding with my teenager who cottoned on pretty quick when she ran out of clothes.

As for other stuff, like the washing up, you need to be loud and clear what you want him to do because he’s just going to feign ignorance otherwise.

[Coincidentally]

Always amazes me that adults don’t just do their own washing! Or make their own lunches.
Start with that, get rid of the dog and divide the chore equally.

[Pickled21]

You are both 11 months in with the baby and should both be in a routine. Due to your back swapping cooking with him should be a no brainer so he can give baby a bath and then hand over. He should be picking up toys to save you bending and doing laundry as well as make his own lunches. I'd make sure you are on contraception and don't delude yourself that adding more children will change things, it won't. I'd also argue that he isn't a great guy or partner because you've had this chat several times so he is aware you are struggling and let's you crack on. There is ( in my view at least) no love without respect and he isn't respecting you. For me it's ltb territory.

[PaminaMozart]

Nobody sits down till we can all sit down

This ^

And get a dishwasher.

[Disasterclass]

You describe him as a good man but is he really? Allowing the person he loves to do all the jobs despite them being in pain doesn't sound that loving.

I agree with others, stop picking his clothes up off the floor - even my 12 year old knows if clothes aren't in the basket they don't get washed.

[Orangello]

He will be one of those husbands who will do a Pikachu face and claim he never saw it coming, when you give up after years of nagging and asking and pleading and doing everything yourself and present him with divorce papers.

Try the Fair Play book, has helped in some cases.