Dealing with family dynamics

[Poppy708]

Hi
I’m not sure what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this but guess it’s just for me to air / offload a little and see if anyone else has had similar experiences and can offer advice.
My partner and I recently had our first baby and my partner is due to head back to work after 4 weeks of leave. He’s asked his parents to come over and help me look after our little one and I initially thought this might be just to be around and help out if I need it but they’ve taken it to mean they’ll look after my baby completely and I’ll just sleep/rest when they’re here. Obviously this is a very kind offer as it’ll give me a chance to rest but I’m feeling quite overwhelmed by them taking over to do everything. My partner’s mum offered to come from the early hours of the morning and leave when my partner is back from work but I said I want to enjoy part of the day with my baby and not just be spending nights with baby when I can’t take her out if I wish. I’m also a bit guarded because I don’t feel I have the best relationship with them, they haven’t once asked how I’ve been coping post delivery and my recovery and they hadn’t checked in with me during the pregnancy when they know things were a bit rocky.
Is it really bad that I’m guarded with how they’ve treated me and not wanting to have them take over with looking after baby? I also don’t want to spend all my maternity leave with them being here and feel I can go and do what I want. I also wanted to have time with my own mum being over but they hadn’t really acknowledged that as they said they’re happy to come over every day. I would obviously want them to build a good relationship with their grandchild and wouldn’t begrudge them of this but I’m finding it hard to separate how they’ve treated me to what they’re expecting in terms of looking after baby. My partner’s mum is also very anxious and I find it hard being around her as I’ve worked really hard on my own anxieties and find her anxiety quite full on.
if I’m being unreasonable how can I best communicate my own feelings about it.
if I’m not being unreasonable how can I broach the topic to respect boundaries and not offend anyone.

I don’t think your expectations during pregnancy about them asking after you etc are necessarily reasonable but I agree with you about it being too much that they are taking over now.

Be prepared to cause offence because I can’t really see how you won’t but you need to have definite boundaries in place.

You shouldn't broach this with the in-laws. that's not the problem.

your problem is this:

He’s asked his parents to come over and help me look after our little one

this isn't a normal thing in the Western world so unless there's some culteral norm going on...why on earth would he do this?

it's bizarre.

does he think you're not coping or was it a misguided attempt at offering you support he thinks you need (but hasn't actually asked you about)?

I think you need to nip this in the bud ASAP, and you need to pick it up with your DH in very clear terms:

"No, my maternity leave is for bonding with the baby and enjoying time before i go back to work. my maternity leave won't be planned and structured, if they're around and you're here, we'll enjoy fun times as family, but I am our baby's carer during the day, and i won't allow your invitation for others to look after baby to somehow be the priority because you asked them this bizarre favour."

Did your partner ask you if you wanted them to come over??
You need to talk to him. Tell him what help (if any) you need from his parents and then he needs to tell them what the expectations are.
You ate being perfectly reasonable. It is NOT necessary for Grandparents to have time with me born. Your baby needs you and only you right now!
Maybe his parents can clean and shop while you take care of your little one.

Honestly if you think you can trust them to take care of your child in your preferred way I would say to your husband that you want them to come over from 1pm - 4pm on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays
that will give them a chance to help, you a chance to rest and space for you to see other family members. And I’d say that’s for 1 month before it’s reviewed again.

I only say this as someone who was really unwell after having a baby and really benefitted from lots of family support. My child is now 7 and has a fantastic bond with myself and the family that we’re around in the early days. Social norms change over time but we lived as family groups for thousands of years, it’s only in the last hundred years or so that this has changed. Certain cultures still live in family groups, especially when babies are born. So please don’t listen to what other people think you need or is normal. Only listen to what you think you want.

Their taking offence is not your responsibility. You are entitled to decide what you want with your baby and your own Mum. Put your foot down, it's you and the baby that matter.

Theres a few things here... did you have a conversation with your other half prior to him asking his parents to come over? perhaps he thinks he is helping take some of the load off by asking them and his intentions were well meant.

You need a conversation with your other half, i don't think he did a bad thing, i think he as i've said, his intentions were good, but misplaced, and perhaps a conversation with his parents too.

Tell them that you would love some help from them, but that you want to care for your child yourself, so help with household chores would be great, and perhaps consider setting up a rota for when they can come!

You're a momma now, and as hard as it is, you need to be strong and communicate well. and if you dont want them 24/7 then don't have them.

Thank you for all the kind words and suggestions to broach this.
I’ve just spoken to my partner and as mentioned in posts above he did it with good intentions and wanted to have support in place for me when he’s at work. He does long days so I’d essentially be with the baby all day and he’d only be able to help for a few hours when he’s back from work. I think because we’ve had each other for the past month we’ve realised how much we’ve relied on one another to help with feeds / nappy changes and naps etc.. he didn’t actually ask me first what I wanted and admits he assumed that’s what I wanted but I said I felt quite overwhelmed that they were expecting to come over and do everything. This is partner’s parents first grandchild so they’re quite excited to want to be hands on and offer help but I just feel doing everything for my baby whilst I sleep although a nice gesture just feels too much. I will discuss things with my partner and set boundaries and limit how much they come over so I still have the quality time I want with my baby.