To think it is so difficult to make a new group of friends when you are older/ move away?

[mummynomates123]

I'll try to be brief. I have just realised I am living in this area for 10 years and I really have no connection/ life / social circle here.

I am from a large town, I have lived in London, gone away to uni, moved to Australia for a few years, lived in another city when returning home I have never had any issue with making friends. But now I cannot just make a single friend in this tiny town I call home.

I met DH who is a farmer. I moved to where he lives before we got married. The farm is about 5 miles from the closest town, where the population is around 1,000 people.

I was 25 when I moved here and worked in a larger town about 45 minutes away and still went to my home town at least once a month to 'go out with the girls' so I didn't really notice not making friends here. Also there was a lack of women around that age in the town, most leave for uni and don't come back.

I have since drifted from 'the girls' not really through anything major although I must have pissed off a few since they don't invite me anywhere anymore, apart from big events. The one who was my bridesmaid hasn't made an effort for years and I was making all of the effort which made me feel a bit pathetic so I stopped trying to hard.

Back to here. I have joined a few little clubs, went to the mummy/ baby group when DS was born but never really clicked with anyone. 2 ladies I liked at that were very friendly but didn't need another friend in their friendship circles so it never progressed to coffee/ anything else.

I have recently joined a voluntary organisation and I am hoping to make a few friends there although I've been going 3 months it is still early days.

Is that social lives slow down at this age? I see lots of women my age on weekends away/ nights out. I feel so lonely and like a complete looser.

I am very out going and will happily talk to anyone. I have never been the popular 'it' girl but I think a lot of people like me, or at least do to begin with.

I'd love to move somewhere else, somewhere bigger, somewhere I could have a chance of making friends. But I would need to leave DH and I don't want to do that. Also with DS now I don't think I can just move 3 hours away from a dad who adores him it would be so unfair. DS is 1, people say I will get to know mums when he goes to school, that's another 3 years away.

There is an athletics club but I am not a running sort of person. We used to go to the pub but covid hit and we stopped going out, now with DS it's not possible.

I just feel so lonely it's getting to me today.

Is there a playgroup locally? Nursery

It's true once ds starts school and he makes friends you will too.
Sunday school. Knitting club?
Go to nearest library and look at noticeboards. It will happen. You sound open and friendly and lovely. Just keep trying.

I was reading something about this earlier. It was suggested that we make friends more easily at school college because we're basically trapped with people for many hours a week.

As adults we see people more fleetingly, so don't form relationships. So, their answer was to join groups where you're forced to be in the same people's company numerous times a week.

I have belonged to a club where I see people 2/3 a week for nearly 20 years. Some of the people have come and gone but I have a good core of friends there now. It did take a really long time (years) before I felt like one of the gang though.

Also, I have learned to get over the it's always me who organises/gets in touch thing. Yes, I'm the one who makes the initial effort, but maybe they're the one with the good ideas, or they're then one who livens up the evening, or always drives or will drop everything when asked, even if they don't dtay in touch. Everyone brings something different to a friendship group and I don't gain anything by refusing to call people, just because they didn't call me.

@Caroparo52 thanks for reading all my blurp! I didn't mean to go on so long.

I used to go to the mummy/ baby group in the library. I am back at work now and don't go any more. DS is at nursery, IDK how to make friends with the other mums there. It's a 20 minute drive away but not too far to make friend. Drop off/ pick up time is varied and usually I don't meet other parents. I don't want to seem weird if I do try approach someone dropping off their child.

I think you make a really valid point, I am a member of a board game and RPG club and we sit and play (and talk) for 3 hours each week. It’s slow to make friends but you definitely bond over time.

My sister goes to a choir and gets on well with the ladies.

My best friend does return to netball and has a really active social life from it.

but yes - it’s very hard!

I have found being the one to organise things makes a big difference. Try arranging some sort of meet up with other parents or inviting a group to drinks. It's not easy to do the first time, but it gets easier and what's the worst that could happen?

@Brightshoe what do you do that is 2/3 times a week? The organisation I have joined is 1 night per week. I was in the TA at the end of school/ uni I would love something like that but it's no where feasible, also I think I might be too old now.

I set up a group whats app to say I was visiting home town a few weeks ago. 3 got back to say they had things on, the rest - including the one who was my bridesmaid, didn't reply. One left the group without saying anything

I think it does take longer. You have to keep plugging away, especially if you aren't working.

I joined a tennis club and attended regular training sessions, despite not being very good at all, and met people that way.

Also a hiking group was good.

There's a facebook meet up group in our area that is fairly lively.

I am very happy to be the one to organise/ make first contact. I do that with 2 other friends who I haven't seen in over a year. But they respond and it's not forced once we are chatting.

That time I went down home I met up with my old primary school best friend which was lovely. We went to different secondary school so the other group of friends aren't connected. Maybe I should put in more effort there. Again nothing bad happened we just drifted/ took different life paths

Its a running club, but I've also started volunteering at the Emergency night shelter twice a week and met some lovely people there, although not friends yet.

When DC were young I made friends at the clubs they went to more easily than at nursery. They kind of activities where you sit and watch, like swimming or gymnastics.

We also used to go to David Lloyd club for swimming and kids clubs.That was quite good for meeting people as the same people seemed to be there every Sunday afternoon and then they'd put on quizzes etc and you could suggest making a team to other parents.

@BarrelOfOtters I am working, but I WFH so no face to face with others. There are very limited job oppertunities around here. If I wanted to get a 'in person job' I'd probably be back to a 1 hour each way commute.

I actually set up a local FB page, I couldn't find one. I think 11 people have joined!

@Brightshoe but how do I do that? Just approach them if I see them heading into the nursery?

This is all making me feel a lot better thank you

Yes, you just mention "in passing" that it might be nice to get some mums together for a drink and see what response you get.

@Brightshoe OK, there is 1 I see more than any other. Her DD and my DS are usually the last two to be collected and I know her DDs name. If I see he this evening ' I was thinking it'd be nice to get to know some of the other mums in the nursey if you wanted to'?

I'd say she might be receptive she has done reading and stuff in the nursery on book day so looks to get involved.

Actually the nursery is closed next week for Easter maybe I could suggest her DD and my DS meet up? I know DS likes her he says he name in the car

Perfect. You might even find she has ideas of or contacts for some others to include. Let us know how it goes.

Even better.

To begin with you'll just be DS's mum to each other, but if you get on and keep meetind regularly that will change. If she doesn't want to it's easy for her to say they're busy next week and no one's lost anything.

Would you try a book club?

Yes I would I can't see that there is one locally, I looked and asked in the cafe. As I said the town only has a population of about 1,000. Also a fair chunk of those (prob 200+) are factory workers who don't seem to stay here long/ are massively skewed towards male. There are a few large factories on the outskirts of the town

I've nothing against men/ being friends with men but I am looking for women friends.

@Brightshoe success, or well maybe. I was driving to nursery and 'other mum' was in front of me so I thought it had to be a sign. We both pulled up and got out. I said 'might be a bit random, but with the kids off next week, would you like to meet up, I've no idea what to do with a week off with DS' she said 'that's a great idea' and took my number.

Yay well done! You’ve got to out yourself out there. It is very hard though, and I totally understand you. I could have written your post myself. Went away to uni, from there lived overseas for years and made incredible friends. Moved back too 8ish yrs ago and just havent clicked with anyone locally. Luckily I have solid family who I do lots with, and have just retrained and gone back to work full time where I now at least meet people and have ‘work friends’, even if we aren’t exactly mates outside of work. I would absolutely LOVE to have someone I could go grab a coffee with, or go to the cinema or do a weekend walk with. If you keep trying, I’ll keep trying!!

Well done op. 3 of my closest friends here were made by me randomly going up to them and chatting simply bcos they had kids around the same age and they looked like they might be nice ppl. I was pretty lonely too at the time and a had met a lot of nice ppl who simply didn’t have the time or need for a new friend. I try to be far more inclusive to new ppl now if I know they don’t have anyone else nearby.

I think it is actually really hard to make friends as an adult. Without the excuse of having kids to entertain (and therefore agree to meet at park/soft play etc) it’s very hard to meet and spend enough time together that you can actually become friends.

Well done OP. I just want to reassure you. I moved to a town where I knew nobody when I had a young DC. I truly made friends once he started school, chatting to others at the school gate, chatting at kid birthday parties, inviting people over. You will get there. Just be very sociable in the first year particularly of DS starting school

I meet up with the other mum from DSs nursery. She was lovely, we got on well, chatted easily for over 2 hours. DS had a great time with her DD as well. I don't think I will see much of her. She lives 1 direction from nursery, I live the other so about 30 min from each other. She was only off because of Easter Holidays, where as I work PT. So her weekends are full with DH/ Family. BUT it was great to know I can make a friend. When I see her at pick up time she talks to me. That might sound silly but if you are an extravert person and you can go all day WFH and have no social contact that can mean a lot.

I am a easy to get along with person, approachable, friendly, 'give a good vibe' (I think) so all these things are in my favour. I think this showed if I put myself out there people will response positively.

I also contacted a woman I was friendly, but not friends with in school IYKWIM, I know she lives about a 30 min drive away. We met for lunch and have lots in common. I won't get to see her too much, she has children/ runs her own business but I think I could try and get over to her every 6 weeks or so. Her work tends to have afternoons off.

I will keep going to the community hobby I joined it's a sort of community first responder service. I am finding the learning interesting and the work can actually save lives. We meet once a week usually.