Do I drop female friend?

[prettydesertflower]

Back story is we met 3 years ago soon after her 21 year relationship ended. We live near each other and are part of a group that centres around our kids that are a similar age but are not friends.

We used to meet for coffee and lunch and generally talked about mum life our, our kids or whatever. My husband and her ex are from the same country and we talked about their food customs etc.

I noticed that she can have quite strong views but despite being fairly forceful, is able to back off when she sees I don’t want to engage or agree with her.

Now here is the problem … I was as supportive as I could be in the aftermath of her break up and she has thanked me for it, it was my pleasure and I am really happy to see her get through it. Recently though she has become a bit snippy. It started with her complaining about my son saying to her son that he was not his friend. This hurt her son and I had a word with mine about how words can hurt, be more tactful etc. After this she started making occasional off colour, critical comments about people and children who are from the same country her ex is from - my husbands.

I ignored it but then she started alluding to how people from this country were less than and putting these opinions in her WhatsApp status. I muted her status so I would not see her comments. I made the mistake of accidentally viewing her status last week and she has posted a critical comment that about a very specific activity I undertook recently for charity that I casually mentioned to her once. It was along the lines of people who do such and such are hypocrites, not really nice people etc. That hurt. I didn’t do it the activity to prove how virtuous I am (I am not) but I also did not want to be criticised.

I think I have had enough. I really try hard to ignore things like this, make excuses for her as she has had a tough time but it’s getting worse. I feel I am a negative trigger for her and it’s exhausting trying to placate, reassure and absorb the less pleasant side of my interactions with her. There is also an undercurrent of petty “one upmanship” where she constantly goes on about her kids and how perfect they are and seeking validation. It’s tiring…Like with other things I just don’t engage and try to gently move the convo along.

We were supposed to meet up with a wider group of friends a few days after I saw her comment and did not show up - there was no cost, it was just one less at the table. I thought if you are so disrespectful, I am no longer going to give you room in my life. It was a knee jerk reaction to her comments but feel a bit disappointed in myself as I am not the type to not show up as it is incredibly rude. After her comments, I felt I was not going to pay for the privilege of being subject to her odd behaviour.

The issue is she has been texting asking if I am ok. This is something she has never done and I think she senses I am backing off.

She has texted twice since my no-show and I have not responded as part of me wants to let her know how her recent behaviour made me feel and part of me just wants to draw a line under the friendship.

What do I do and how do I respond?

I think want to do a slow fade and not be confrontational so it does not blow up in our friendship group.

Is that reasonable?

I'd want to tell her you don't like her narrow minded views but if you prefer a slow fade you need to message back just "hi sorry been busy how was meal?"

Then just take time replying to texts probably do group meets but avoid 1:1. Just be busy lots on at work etc. if your part of the same group she's probably always going to be there but you can lower her status in your life.

She sounds racist/xenophobic, controlling and judgemental. None are good qualities in a friend.

Please don’t let her reel you back in. Either text her back that you were upset by her comments about your husband’s people and your charity efforts and want to step back from the friendship, or just continue to avoid her if you think speaking up will have you removed from the wider friendship group, because she sounds like a bully.

I’m not sure ghosting her and hoping for a slow fade out is going to work if you’re both part of a wider friendship group, but I have had this experience with a friend before, the little digs, always trying to get one up on you etc and it did eventually blow up and I ended up snapping at her. It was an awful way to end a friendship. I think sitting down and speaking to her about all the ways she’s made you feel and that you’re thinking of putting some space between you may be a better way to go (of course that depends on what reaction you’re expecting from her!)

If she literally publically made derogatory comments about something you did, I'd just say you've seen them and aren't happy. I'm guessing, if the messaging isn't normal behaviour, she's realised this anyway. She sounds nasty and jealous of you so I'd just stop hanging out with her. This actually gives you a perfect reason. It doesn't sound like you enjoy her company at all any more

Just keep her at arms length. Be polite but don’t turn up to meetings. She will soon get the hint.

I’d reply - I was upset about the WhatsApp comment you made about my volunteering.

and then see what she has to say. You then back away from the friendship by being available in a group setting but never 1-1.

Are her children not the same ethnicity as her ex? Many women bad mouth their exs (sometimes with good reason) and will clutch onto anything and everything to do so. Being racist is unacceptable.
She sounds like too much hard work. Be up front, tell her her comments are offensive, out of line, and it seems like she's targeting you. If you don't want to continue the friendship you have nothing to lose.

I would feign indifference.

If you still want to hang out with the wider group of friends, just turn up to the next meet.

If she says “you didn’t reply to my messages, I was worried” just say “oh, did I not? I must have forgotten”. Play it down.

If she is more accusational in tone “why didn’t you do me the courtesy of replying” just say “hey, lives are busy, don’t get so worked up about it”.

She might ask a mutual friend to follow up with you in the meantime. You could just tell that friend you’re not really interested in being friends with her and maybe even explain why. No big drama, just “life’s too short” vibes.

Whatever you do, get out of it somehow. Life is too short to have worries like this over people you don't like that much.

I’d simply archive her on WhatsApp so I couldn’t see her any more. Be neutral when you see her if you don’t want a big fall out.Certainly don’t keep pussy footing around her sensitivity when she hasn’t the good grace to be mindful of how her words and actions can hurt. It sounds as though she’s jealous of you and your happy marriage. Surely her dc have the heritage she’s badmouthing?

Thank you for your replies. And yes her children are biologically half of the country of her ex. This makes me even more confused as her opinions must hurt them too right?

I hadn’t thought about if I actually enjoyed her company. It kind of evolved into a habit. I just realised I don’t feel relaxed around her and I am always on guard. So no I don’t enjoy her company anymore.

I feel a bit silly for letting it go on this long.

Your son had the right idea. Just tell her. She’s racist. So who gives a crap if it upsets her?

“I’m fine, but I don’t feel comfortable in this friendship anymore after a lot of your recent comments. Our values just don’t align enough so it’s best we leave things here.”

Then block her.

Absolutely, if her children are hearing this it will damage them :(
Definitely avoid!

I agree with this.

I’d be honest, but not dramatic. I’d possible add the word xenophobic or racist before “comments” in the above response. If she questions you, either ignore or add “I know you’re angry at your ex, but these comments directly insult me, my husband and children and, more worryingly, your own children. I don’t want/need that sort of negativity in my life.”