Dp spread ‘fake’ rumour - am I overreacting?

[Tulsang]

Long story short, my dp of 9 years and 2 dc together, has a colleague (ex client) that is pretty obsessed with him for years now. She looks for any reason to gossip about him etc. and she talks about him behind his back to other colleagues/people in their workplace.

my dp was chatting to a client laughing about the situation, so to prove a point he told his client to create a fake ‘gossip’ about him and tell this lady (the obsessed colleague) but not tell him what the fake gossip is. He said it will 100% come back to him and he will then tell his client what it is she had told this lady as a rumour. All like a game, to prove that this colleague is obsessed with him and how she will spread the gossip and it will come back to him. (Hope that makes sense?!)

this evening dp was laughing and told me about it. The ‘gossip’ that the client had told his colleague was that my dp had got another woman pregnant. He said he saw the texts between the client and colleague and the colleague was so interested to know all the details and find out all the gossip. He also said it’s spread around a group of members where he works now so they have all heard.

he has found this very amusing and lighthearted, as it was all a joke to prove his point about this colleague. Fair enough. However I don’t find it funny and my blood is boiling.

first of all, I find the entire situation childish and at our age why would they play silly games like that? The part that’s bothered me the most is that the client he told to create this ‘gossip’ either must not be aware about me (in terms of us being in a long term committed relationship) as I can’t imagine why she would have come up with a rumour like that if she knew. I mean - of all the silly little rumours she could have said for gossip why would she say he’s got another woman pregnant if she knew he’s got a partner? OR, she just doesn’t care and just being immature without me in mind.

I think it’s quite hurtful to me and very disrespectful. It may have been a silly game for them but rumours like that could split a family apart. Dp does not see it as serious like that though and said it’s not disrespectful because it’s not actually true. Regardless, clearly these members at his work don’t know it’s not true and are having a field day with this gossip trying to find out more - that is embarrassing for me! Fair enough I don’t know these people and never see them, but a lot of them ‘know of’ me.

on top of that, he didn’t have any intention of actually telling me this. He just decided to tell me as he was laughing about it and found it funny. Now imagine he didn’t tell me, and I somehow heard this rumour that he got another woman pregnant. I would have believed it!

I’ve told him it’s upset me and he quickly said sorry but it’s was more to ‘brush me off’ and shut me up rather than actually meaning it. When I tried to explain how it’s wrong what he’s done he told me he doesn’t care… now I know for a fact 100% he would go bonkers if this was the other way around and I found it ‘funny’ to have a rumour be already as a joke about me getting pregnant by another man etc.

am I overreacting or being unreasonable?

So many things to say about this.

I wonder why the salacious gossip didnt involve him being a criminal perhaps, or a sex offender, not so funny now?

I dont think the other colleague was 'thoughtless' to come up with such a rumour in terms of you OP, she was tasked with a ridiculous teenage prank, that she clearly happily went along with and found something that would get people talking.

I also wonder whether perhaps he has got another woman pregnant and this enables him to say its all rumour when it finally emerges. Perhaps that is too far a stretch

On the one hand I think you're overeacting a bit, its not going to be the gossip that splits you up (when you refer to splitting up families) becuase its not true (or is it), its probably more likely that he is quite immature and gossipy himself, standing around slagging off this person with his colleagues, having a laugh about her.

I thought exactly this too

Start a rumour at DHs work that his wife has left him because he's a massive twat.

I don't understand why he would do something like this at work on employer's time - do people there have nothing else to do or think about?
I hope he is not a brain surgeon.
Classic ''gossip in the work place'' example also involving clients.
No company regulations for wasting time or standard of behaviour at work then?

I’d say there’s a 98% chance he has knocked someone else up, knows it’s going to become public knowledge and covering his ass.

So he has a colleague who is obsessed with him and merrily spreads highly personal gossip about her work mates.

He's so close to a client that he mocks his work colleagues to her.

If I were the manager at this organisation, I'd be going ballistic about the lack of professional boundaries and the risk of a bullying complaint heading your DP's way.

And yes, I'd be pretty upset if I were you. He's allowed and laughed about someone starting a rumour that your DP is having an affair, fathered a child and you are remaining either oblivious or forgiving. You have been implicated in this false gossip.

If I thought there was an ounce of maturity at your DP's workplace, I'd be suggesting that you arrange a post-work meet up where you can set the record straight. However I think they're all too childish to acknowledge their immature behaviour and you'd be mocked forever more.

dp of 9 years? What you have is someone you’re not married to treating you like shit and instigating gossip that makes you look like a doormat. Best case scenario.
Another scenario is he’s creating a smokescreen because there’s something extremely amiss. Are you sure he hasn’t slept with this woman at some point?

Just the fact that he's willingly fuelling this woman's antics is disturbing on its own. That he doesn't mind making you, his partner, the collateral damage of this supposed false rumour is enough for me to think you're with a man of no integrity.

And then finally, the saying half joking, whole in earnest, comes to mind.

Look after yourself, OP. Big old red flag's a waving. 💐

Immature, unprofessional and ridiculously unnecessary.

I'm wondering what your DPs job is where this kind of behaviour is acceptable.
Also wondering why the woman is obsessed with him in the first place!
Hope it's just a stupid joke. ...not a very funny one.
He needs to grow up and find something better to do.
Hope you are ok OP, I would not be at all pleased either.

YANBU. Wtf. I'd be immediately suspicious especially if he hasn't married you after 2 kids and 9 years together. Hopefully it is just a rumour and he isn't using it as a cover in case it found its way back to you

I’m always a bit cynical when men say a woman is “obsessed with them and gossips about them”
Its a bit like men who label their exes as psychos.

Whats the back story with this “ex client who is now a colleague” ?

Once this all comes out, I would be worried that your DP is about to be sacked for bringing his company into disrepute with his incredibly childish involvement in this story.

His motive in wanting to discredit the gossipy colleague is nasty and a form of bullying.
Why couldn’t he just have a quiet word with her to ask her be more professional instead of gossiping about her himself and furthermore, prompting yet another colleague to target her in this ignorant and cruel way.

The flaw in his character is much greater than that of the colleague he is trying to embarrass, humiliate and discredit.

He should be hanging his head in shame instead of trying to laugh it off.
YANBU.

But its not true

How many times are people here told to tell the person a stupid item that could not be true to check if they are actually gossiping about them.

The person who has gossiped has done the 'bad behaviour'

If this is true (what he's told you) then it is very childish. But I think YABU to get so worked up over it. Just tell him he needs to tell everyone at work that it was a deliberate test of this woman and it's all untrue. If some random colleagues think he's cheated then who cares? I don't see the bit about it being disrespectful to your relationship. But I would wonder whether if he does something this childish in this instance is he doing similar things more widely, if so then I wouldn't want yo be with someone this immature. Also as others say could it be some elaborate cover up, who knows.

Also agree with a PP that it feels like a form of bullying of the colleague which again is a red flag.

Sure I think he sounds 12 but I wouldn't make it all about you, that would make you as much attention seeking as he is doing

Yes, this. I mean, even by the standards of the extreme nosiness people on another current thread are trying to normalise as 'priding myself on my detective skills', it would seem deeply peculiar that someone in a professional environment would 'obsess' about someone in public, and, even more odd that this 'obsession' would take the form of gossiping about him behind his back to other members of staff.

Because actually, this sounds less like someone who's 'obsessed' with him (which would normally imply attracted to etc) than someone who dislikes him for some reason, and gossips about him for negative reasons, hence being very interested in him having got someone else pregnant.

I think I'd be wondering why this woman, if this is the case, has reason to dislike him in such a sustained way.

Then again, the OP's account of him makes him sound like an idiot, so maybe not that surprising.

I mean, releasing a fake story to one source and waiting to hear whether it's 'leaked' wa pretty much the whole Wagatha Christie story.

Sorry OP if I heard this version of the story from him I'd assume it's a crap attempt to control the narrative by someone who has got someone pregnant and wants to create reasonable doubt when it inevitably comes out. No normal person would choose to have personal rumours about them going around at work potentially damaging their professional reputation, his story makes no sense and doesn't ring true.

Definitely YANBU! What would happen if for instance the rumour got back to your kids. Unlikely, but not really depending on the community you live in

Gareth…not sure what happened there. Meant ‘unlikely’

They all sound very childish and unprofessional bullies, the gossip could have been dealt with by the manager and the client and colleagues relationship can damage the company reputation. When it gets back to the manager I wouldexpect a stetn warning unless they are also part of the twats club.

Buy him a DNA test kit for his birthday and send it to him anonymously... see if he wants to squirm out of it.

YANBU at all OP. I’d feel the same.

YANBU. That's a horrible rumour - what was the original rumour creator thinking?! It should have been something at least attempting to be a bit funny like he is having botox under his arms for uncontrollable sweating (I'm aware this probably isn't funny for those suffering from it!) or something, anything...

I'd suggest to him that you might get one of your friends to start a rumour that you're pregnant by another man just to see how quick it spreads... let's see how funny he finds it when the shoe is on the other foot (obviously don't actually do this but he might get your point more if he sees it from your perspective).

Yup. That’s my interpretation. Is/did he have an affair with the colleague who’s “obsessed” with him (why would she be he sounds like a twat?) Perhaps his colleagues believe the pregnancy rumour as it’s true.