to maintain NC with Dad?

[WindsChange]

I have been no contact with my Dad for a few years by sort of mutual arrangement
He has never been a consistent ‘Dad’ and has a mean streak at times which caused me lots of problems as a teenager.
Mostly he is just hot and cold temper and it got too wearing never knowing if he would cause a big argument. We used to clash over everything and he has never been a source of support or comfort or things that a ‘Dad’ should be.
He has said at times he loves me very much although he doesn’t appear to like me. I’ve reached out in the past with Xmas cards and he’s returned to sender - he is that stubborn!

However, he is now in his 80’s and having some health issues I hear on the grape vine. It niggles me all the time that I should be the loving, supportive daughter but I know it wouldn’t go like that as he would provoke me and be nasty to me at the slightest thing.
AIBU to keep no contact even if it means I never see my Dad again?

YANBU (I did it). But I have to admit being unexpectedly knocked for six when he died. If I had the choice again, I'd do the same thing. I just didn't anticipate how I'd feel.

Thanks, I am sorry you have experienced this too and I can understand you still grieved the loss of your dad of course.
It’s so hard when family is so different to expectations and other's experiences. I feel so guilty already and part of me loves him but I just don’t know what good would come of it now and probably just more rejection.

I suppose it comes down to the question of will he add to your life or take away from it? But yeah, just do be aware that even when you are NC, you can get ambushed by feelings you didn't know were there. It's so shit tbh. It shouldn't be like that.

Why should you be the supportive daughter when he's never been the supportive father? Screw him, you owe him nothing.

Do you love him, a man who sounds unlovable, or the idea of a father any child would want?

I was no contact with my father for decades. Didn't care when he died and now I don't even remember when that was!

How would he react if you reached out? You said he is stubborn. You may find he rejects any approaches anyway. If you feel reaching out would put your mind at rest that at least you have tried then maybe give it a go. But you must do what is best for you in the long run.

Sorry you are in this situation, it is really hard.

I don't have any specific advice but wanted to share one of the more helpful things I've heard:

Going NC is an acceptance of that person as they are. You are not trying to make them change to be in relationship with you, nor are you going to allow yourself to be continually hurt - so in a way it is the most loving thing you can do for everyone involved.

This does not mean you won't have grief and mixed emotions about all of it.

I haven't seen my dad or his side of the family for 25yrs . He was never supportive so I miss what a dad should be not what I got . I'm not even sure if I'll hear when he dies and he is also in his 80's
YANBU

I’m all for self preservation and I think as you’re asking the question you are unsure what is best for you. I think you need to weigh up what will make you feel worse- half an hour of him being his usual crappy self and then knowing you made one last effort / did your bit / got some closure or whatever benefit to you there might be in seeing him. Or the possibility of unresolvable guilt if he dies without you seeing him.
Personally, I’d suck up half an hour of crap and avoid a life time of guilt and I’m aware that is very selfish.

I don't think that's selfish at all tbh. Equally, not seeing him doesn't necessarily mean a lifetime of guilt. I certainly have no guilt now about my choices in the last years of my dad's life. Just in the immediate aftermath of his unexpected death, I was 'ambushed' by the unexpected feelings. There's no road map for any of this stuff really is there 😔

I did say “possibility” of lifetime of guilt and I really was posting about my own feelings rather than your post. Everyone and their relationships are different so no road map.

As someone who reconnected after 5 years NC with an abusive Dad I would say DON’T DO IT. People don’t change and tend to get worse with age. My Dad was a typical abusive narcissist who would explode in rage and the smallest perceived slight. I regret reconnecting with him as he just went back to his old abusive nature and it’s set my MH back by a lot.

So sorry to hear that. It puts me in mind of that Philip Larkin poem that starts with 'they fuck you up your mum and dad, they might not mean to but they do ...' it's crap altogether x

@WindsChange

Be careful not to offer, out of guilt, something you may well regret in the future or more than you can cope with. He's made his feeling for you very clear and as he gets more dependent he may resent anything you do for him and treat you badly, so do be prepared for this if/when you approach him again. 🌹

People who don't speak to their own relatives will tell you to stay NC because it validates their own choices.

But if you feel that you would like to reach out to your dad before he passes, and it would make you feel better to do so, then I for one would encourage you.

Just a quick visit to say how are you dad, no hard feelings, hope you're ok without any expectations of reconciliation or fatherly affection.

You have doubts about being NC and your Dad potentially dying so I would therefore say get in touch with him and see where it takes you. You don’t have to be there every day but it might be a great comfort to you and him both to have even a small amount of contact.

I lost a parent last year, there were some complicated feelings but found his nice side really came out when we discovered he was ill. I am so glad I now have those memories.

When the day comes, you don’t want to have any regrets.

I don’t think I’d want to stay in touch with a parent who literally wouldn’t even accept a Christmas card from me.

He's made his position crystal clear.

It doesn't get much clearer than return to sender.

I'd maintain that for the rest of his life if it was me. If he suddenly wants to reconnect it will be because he wants to use you for care which tbh he hasn't earned, given his rejection of you so far.

People are allowed to share their own stories without you assuming particular agendas. That's pretty offensive.

Unfortunately people do not change when they get old. I would ask you to think about what you expect from speaking to him. It is likely it will be the same as it was and he will not suddenly become kind to you. Are you ready for this? You owe him nothing, he could choose to reach out to you. Look after yourself first.

That’s quite the reach there. What makes you think any advice to stay NC with an abusive parent is about validation? Or that OP opening herself to more bad behaviour from her father is going to make her feel better?

I think it is more likely that people who have never needed to go NC with a relative are likely to encourage someone to resume contact without fully understanding how utterly relentless, and profoundly damaging abuse can be.

If you have never needed to go NC it is nicer to be validated that abuse doesn't really happen, the world is lovely and safe, and people who go NC are probably exaggerating.

Who wants to confront the awful reality that some people will repeatedly harm someone they are meant to love?

It is far easier to act as if people who go NC are insecure and need others to validate them.

Actually the opposite is true: to go NC means having the inner strength to do what is right for you without needing the approval of others - because you will rarely get it.