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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH has changed his mind about this year's holiday

29 replies

RonnieKray · 26/03/2024 21:39

I know I'm going to sound massively ungrateful here, I'm being very, very unreasonable I know, but...
Dh is 60 this.year & my widowed mum will be 80. We have a family holiday booked with our adult dc to celebrate his 60th, & we were going to go to Italy for a week in June, on our own. We also plan to take my mum away with my sister & her dh for her 80th.
With all our plans this year it will only leave my dh 3 days annual leave left for the rest of the year to play around with & he wants the days to do some needed jobs on the house.
I've managed to work my annual leave better to accommodate everything as I have carry overs.
First he said he wouldn't go with us for my mum's birthday week away & keep those days for himself. Now he says he'll go to that as she wont have many years left to go away compared to us & we'll knock Italy on the head this year.
Instead of Italy we'll go for a long weekend in the Lake District. This gives him more days left to himself & the jobs on the house & he won't let family down re my mums birthday week away.
We've been planning Italy for the last week now & I was just about to book. To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. We haven't been abroad for a nice week in the sun together for 10 years.
The other thing that bothers him is I'm quite a bit overweight & do suffer with oedema in my legs. I've had cellulitis 3 times, the last time I was hospitalised with it. He's worried about me falling ill like that when we're in Italy. Instead he wants me to try & get some weight off & we'll go June 2025 instead. I could get run over by a bus tomorrow.
I'm so disappointed I could cry. A week away on our own in the sun for the first time in ten years & he won't go, even though he could fit it in really.
I know we're lucky to have what we have. Nothing against the Lake District but we've done it to death in the noughties. We've done Scotland, Wales, Cornwall, Yorkshire in the last few years too. Italy, with its culture & amazing food would have been amazing.
The more I vent while he keeps falling asleep in front of the tv the more I sound like a spoilt child...

OP posts:
Candleabra · 26/03/2024 21:42

I’d be so disappointed too. How much leave does he need for jobs around the house? Is there a major project on or is this an excuse?

MillieIou · 26/03/2024 21:43

I'm with your DH. Something has to give. I feel like he couldn't win whatever he was to pick!

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 26/03/2024 21:44

Say no.

Bettyscakes · 26/03/2024 21:44

Are you going abroad with your DC/DM?

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/03/2024 21:44

I'd be disappointed too but the heat of Italy doesn't sound the best thing for you at the moment.

CarrotCake01 · 26/03/2024 21:45

I get your disappointment, you had your heart set on Italy! I don't think any of you are being unreasonable.

I'd say this sounds like a big year for birthdays and whatnot. Do the smaller UK trip he suggested and the one for your mums birthday, then focus on getting well and feeling good for a holiday abroad next year. A bit disappointing to have to wait but it'll be lovely to have that to look forward to.

EasterBunnny · 26/03/2024 21:46

Are your other two trips in the UK?

dimllaishebiaith · 26/03/2024 21:46

Italy is not that far away in the grand scheme of things. If he only wants to do a long weekend can you not do one there instead, or a long weekend to France or somewhere like that. So you get a change but he gets to be a bit less booked with his holiday dates

KidsandKindness · 26/03/2024 21:47

Sorry OP, but I'm afraid you are sounding, as you said yourself 'like a spoilt child'. You've already got two nice holidays booked with your family, many people can't even afford a holiday this year, and your DH is wanting some time to get presumably important chores done on the house, so I think on this occasion, you're just going to have to swallow your disappointment, and start planning for next year instead. At least you'll have more time to look forward to it, and lose the weight that you want to, in order to ensure you have the best time possible and don't end up in hospital instead.

Starzinsky · 26/03/2024 21:48

It's nice he is prioritising the trip with your elderly mother. Any OH get brownie points for that. You can't have it all as they say.

Original poster
RonnieKray · 26/03/2024 21:49

No we're not going abroad with family & we do have a couple of rooms that need a major overhaul, do I suppose we do need the time for those. I'm still disappointed though, we'd planned what trips we were going to do & everything. I'm going to look at a short city break over there, say Friday to Monday, but can't find convenient flights to & from the same airport on these days

OP posts:
BreakfastAtMimis · 26/03/2024 21:52

He's not the boss of you! Go to Italy by yourself and leave the grumpy git at home to save his precious annual leave.

mdinbc · 26/03/2024 21:52

I do think he is sweet by not wanting to give up the trip with your mum and her DH. I think he does realize there is too much on the go for one year and something has to give. He does sound like he is worried about your health as well.

Can you plan a local weekend away, but step up the fancy-level?

MultiplaLight · 26/03/2024 21:52

Compromise... Is there somewhere closer but still a flight away?

Could you do Friday - Tuesday?

He doesn't sound a bad guy, just trying to fit all his commitments in.

EasterBunnny · 26/03/2024 21:58

If you want to go abroad and can afford it then book yourself a trip if its safe for you to travel.

Does your DH actually like going away, if he using your weight as an excuse not to fly?

DuploTrain · 26/03/2024 21:58

Have you got a friend you could go abroad with instead?

It does seem disappointing that he’s passing up the holiday with just the two of you.

redalex261 · 26/03/2024 21:59

It is disappointing but I can see the issue with Italy as regards your condition. It’s very hot, and I don’t recall it being particularly easy for those with any mobility issues - if oedema kicks in would you be able to manage stairs, steep streets and lots of walking in the heat?

Original poster
RonnieKray · 26/03/2024 22:04

@MultiplaLight he's not a bad person at all, far from it.

@EasterBunnny yes he does love to go away, abroad & in the UK. I was very poorly last time to be honest & he is genuinely concerned about it. I'm not going to the bloody Lake District again though, no matter how posh the hotel is!

On the other hand it is his big birthday & I said therefore it was his choice what we do this year. I shouldn't have posted this as I do sound petulant, but the disappointment got to me; plus our two rooms of doom are stressing us out too. Like a pp said, something has to give...

OP posts:
Foxblue · 26/03/2024 22:05

I understand your disappointment, but you do have lots of lovely things booked and he still wants to spend time together.
I would also suggest, gently, that deep down the reason you are so annoyed, as even if you are aware of it yourself, it can't feel nice to be told by your partner 'I am worried about your health because of conditions exacerbated by your weight' - its one thing you knowing it, and another a medical professional saying it, but a partner saying it so clearly and then making changes to your plans because of it must be a bit of wake up call, and one that emotionally you weren't expecting, so it's understandable you are thrown by it. It sounds like he cares deeply about you, so give yourself an hour of a bit of a grump and then try and wake up tomorrow having shaken off the disappointment a bit.

Original poster
RonnieKray · 26/03/2024 22:07

@DuploTrain yes I could ask a friend, but it was meant to be our trip for his birthday, I won't feel the same

OP posts:
Janpoppy · 26/03/2024 22:09

The fact you are so very disappointed tells you just how important this trip to Italy is for you!

You absolutely need to revisit the plans for holidays this year and work out what your priorities are, first for yourself individually, and then in conversation with your husband.

Try to think of some creative solutions and put everything on the table.

There will be a way to find a compromise that doesn't leave any one person in the family feeling so utterly miserable. In equal partnerships couples talk and work together to find solutions that will work for everyone.

Also, it is very telling that we use the phrase 'spoilt child' to minimise people for expressing feelings. It's really okay to feel disappointed, and you deserve to find a solution.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 26/03/2024 22:11

Usually when people post about their husband here, it's because they are twats.

Your husband sounds like he's decent. A family holiday with your children & one with in-laws too & his reasons make sense.

You were ill last time & he appears genuinely concerned about your health. Poor health & heat is a terrible combination.

I would cut him some slack on this one.

Original poster
RonnieKray · 26/03/2024 22:16

@Foxblue I know I'll feel self conscious in Italy with my condition, which only weight loss will help with, but I was going to put up with it for him. I don't have any pains & can still cope with the walking races in London's rush hour lol.

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 26/03/2024 22:18

YANBU to be disappointed, but he does have valid reasons too and it's nice he has priorities your mother.

As others have suggested though, maybe do a weekend in Italy, or go yourself or with a friend.

As an aside, do you think he has a point about your weight/health issues? If it's a genuine concern for him then perhaps consider whether it should be a genuine concern for you. I'm not saying that in a judgemental way, I genuinely don't think any holiday is worth your life/health.

LIZS · 26/03/2024 22:24

His birthday, his choice, Maybe you could do a long weekend in Italy later in the year if time , health and money allows. June is likely to be hot and uncomfortable.