to be brimming with anger, frustration and self-pity?

[ernest]

OK, I'll probably regret posting, but will burst if I don't offload. RANT ALERT:

I feel so bloody put upon. And I hate feeling like a martyr or victim, but can't see a way out of being totally bloody dumped on.

So -
I live in Switzerland, and was very happy here. DH has itchy feet and wanted new job, did to be fair, tr< to find one here, unsiccessfully, eventually got one in Milan. I didn't want to move, so refused. Found living in different countries very hard, so reluctantly eventually agreed. In the meantime, I am pregnant, so I then say I'll come after the baby, so start of August.

Now dh's job has taken him to Munich, which is a huge improvement on Milan, and he has found a new house, which I've not yet seen.

As he now has the house we've decided at the last mnute to move before the birth, so in just 4 weeks time.

So while dh is in Munich, going to restaurants for lunch, going to the pub on a evening to watch the football 'because he's bored' , in the last 3 days I've had to

• be up til midnight every night trying to get organised for the move
• I'm trying to look after our 3 sons, including reassuring them how great the move is
• organising new school & Kindergarten for the boys
• organising new ante natal care for me in Munich
• organising everything here, like getting doctors' notes, getting the car repairs & services up to date ready for sale, de-registering the kids from school etc etc etc etc etc
• getting people in to do quotes for decorating, removals, estate agents etc etc
• decluttering house & making it look as good as possible for viewing (our 1 and only!) for potential house sale
• packing for weekend in Munich (leaving tonight, can't leave early due to viewing)
• loading up car, including 2 bikes on back
• driving (in Friday night rush hour) 4 hours (if no traffic problems) from Zurich to Munich,

when I'm now totally pissed off, exhausted and 28 weeks pregnant.

I know he is there not here, so it's not so much his fault, and when I get to Munich I will put him to work, but essentially we're moving because of him, yet, as usual, I end up doing by far the lion's share. I spent most of yesterday working endlessly through tears of anger and frustration at the unfairness of it all. And I also feel really pissed off htat there is no bady willing or able to help me. When my sister moved, my mum helped her, and she was only going 5 minutes up the road, with 1 baby, when my sil moved, she was pg and had streams of people fussing over her, rushing to help. Here's me, basically a single mum with 3 kids and 28 weeks pg and I'm left to do every bloody thing on my own.

God I could rant all day. Except I need to get back on with my jobs.

awwww (((((((hugs)))))) what an utter shit situation ur in

God I don't balm eyou for feeling like that.

HAve no advice really other than you can only do as much as you can-if the house remains cluttered-so be it.

Hope you at least have a lovely weekend.

Sounds like a complete shitter, but next time you move you'll remember to go with him in the first place and then you can dump every single job on him in revenge! And I would dump every job on him in between too just so he knows you're mad!

PS - Is Milan really not nice, I thought Italy would be nicer than Germany, although I've been to both and noticed no real difference.

Oh ernest you poor thing.

Not a very similar situation because I was splitting up from someone but I know how you feel. My ex buggered off when we sold our house 3 weeks before the completion date, leaving me to do everything that was needed to get the house cleared out for the exchange. I spent weeks loading up my tiny car to take stuff to the dump on the way to work every morning. In the evenings I spent my time cleaning, clearing and stressing myself out.

I did have offers of help but most people who offered lived elsewhere and so I ended up doing the bulk of the move myself.

I guess your husband is not there so just can't help, but it must piss you off knowing he is out in the pub while you are doing everything at home. And while pregnant.

Is there no one who has offered help?

All I can offer is sympathy and let you know that it will be worth it in the end. Take some time out if you can.

I am astonished and in awe that you are doing this. I moved to the U.S for 6 months when my one ds was 10 weeks old because of dh's job. I was very clear that he had to do almost ALL of the preparation and organising which he did do.

I would just NOT have taken this on and would have said he needed to come home to help organise everything.

It makes no sense to me at all that he is in Munich 'getting bored' while you are doing all this.

Could he not have taken some time before starting his new job to organise a lot of this? Surely a new employer understands that a employee moving from another country needs some time to get organised. Your dh could have done loads of this stuff for you before moving to Munich and actually starting the job.

You probably need to just get on with it now but I would have a serious word with your dh about what the ground rules are if you ever have to move because of his work again.

FGS
tell him to take some holiday or unpaid leave and come and help you

Honestly

Sounds very tough ernest, rant away! I packed up the house for moving when I was about 7 months pregnant too all on my own as ex h was elsewhere, so I know a little bit how you feel - AAGH!!

Your shoulders need to be a bit more sloping

Jobs for DH
Your DH can get quotes on-line/over the phone for removals/estate agents
Organise your ante-natal care in Munich
Organise new school and kindergarten for boys in Munich

After all he is there and is best placed to sort these things...

I agree that de-cluttering for the move should be low priority, obviously you want to sell but it doesn't sound as if you HAVE to sell before you move.

Just do what you absolutely HAVE to and let the rest go hang.

Just read the OP.

I'd be really pissed off if I were in your shoes. And I think you are being extremely brave.
I think that if I were in your shoes I'd ask for dh to PAY for someone to help me, a cleaner, a babysitter, whoever is needed the most. He can't physically be there to share the load of things that need to be done when moving a family to one country to another but he can pay for some help, for you. Well, that's what I'd do.

ps Lollipop Milan is great ! (but Munich is more civilized)

Well, I've now sorted the school & antenatal care and made all the appontemnets for quotes, and had most of the actaul visits for the quotes, dh is saying he'll do what he can, but really, with him not being here, that's relatively little,

One lovely mumsnetter has offered to help, but he has 4 kids of her own and lives 2 hours away by pub transport so she can't come here. icould take my kids to hers, but tbh they're great at entertaining themselves, so that's not really necessary. Other than that, nothing. I am pissed off with my mum tbh, but then I suppose she's never been very hands on, even when we were kids, and she has offered to come out when I have the baby (with her husband )so I guess I can't expect any more. Oh, and to top it off, ds3 goes to a CM and she's been off sick all week, so the few hours I would normally have to get on I've lost.

I am so so pissed off.

Honestly, this woman better buy my house this afternoon or I'll .... I don't know.

yes, honoria is right re letting him organise school and antenatal care.

Yes I suppose places could be more civilised than Italy - when I went all that seemed to happen was lecherous men groping my arse, I was really shocked at their behaviour to be honest, and I'm no prude!

I still think he could have done alot more ernest...that's why you're so cross and frustrated because he HAS put too much on you...

agree with whoever said he should have taken annual/unpaid leave

(lollipop ! have to say that all my english friends have complained about this appalling habit of some Italian men, luckily I've never experienced any!)

I do feel that you need to take to your bed "exhausted" when you get there for the weekend and have your dh look after the boys all weekend. Say its "Doctor's orders due to rising blood pressure", I mean , have you had your blood pressure checked recently what with having to cope with all of this whilst 28 weeks pregnant ?

Do not feel remotely guilty, dh can have his "me" time during the week outside of work hours. He's had sufficient time to get bored fgs ! How many mums have time to get bored ?

Could you hire a mother's help/ au pair/nanny for the later weeks of pregnancy to ease the load a bit if you are temporarily living apart.

Can your dh Not come home of a weekend and help to pack stuff and take it back with him. Or even if he just takes the children out for a day so you can rest get on with the pack in piece.

You must look after yourself first and foremost.

no no no

He must take time off and help you.

You are right, its not fair

I have to go this weekend, as I haven't yet seen new house and need to to measure up etc, plus have made appointments to view 2 kindergartens and boys to visit new school.

He will return (to a long list) in 2 weekends, but by then I'll have done almost everything (have almost doen everything now) of course I'm insisting on full packing service, and yes, this weekend, I will take to my bed, well, on Sunday. On Suturday need to go to handing over of house - been told to expect 3 hours!!!

That sounds like a nightmare!! I can sympathise a bit- my DH is in the navy and was away 9 mths out of last year, leaving me pregnant with 2 toddlers, 2 dogs and a house to run. It gets very wearing getting phone calls telling you how they have "nothing to do" while you are up to your armpits in things to do!! I try to tell myself that we are all working towards the same goal, and that if I was given the choice, I would prefer to be with my kids, no matter how much work is involved, so it is DH who is missing out, and that allows me to have a TINY ( and I mean minute!) amount of sympathy for him! I also think he feels helpless and frustrated when he can't help me (I send him "Texts of Doom", as he calls them- every time he sees a text from me, his heart sinks, as he wonders what disasters have occurred on the home front this time!!)

Could you hire someone, a packing service etc to help you? I've heard they are really good! Make sure your DH realises just how fabulous and heroic you are for getting everything done on your own and while pregnant!! And milk it for all you are worth when you finally get to Munich! Good luck!

if he's sitting on his backside tell him to get in the car - he's 4 hours away, that's nothing for a bloke driving by himself, he could come home at lunchtime one day to AT LEAST give you a break not to mention all the other things he could be doing while he's bored that HonoriaGlossop mentioned!
sorry, bit tired and hungry hence stream of consciousness post

Sorry to hear about your problems. I'm bored out of my mind and would love to make some excuse to my DH that I need to help a friend. My DS is only three so I could ask for leave and help a friend. I know this is daft but have you asked a few close friends if they could help. You never know that might just be waiting to be asked!! Very naive of me I know but worth a try??

Oh no! I'm so sorry--this sounds like a horrendous amount of work for you.

You sound like super woman to me. Send your DH the list you posted here and say:

This is what I've done today. Had a good lunch?

yes, tell him to get some holiday. or at least get him to do the munich school stuff etc.

moving countries is stressful enough, without children, without trying to do it on your own and to do it while pregnant is mad, frankly.

DHs will let you do as much as you are prepared to do. They just don't see it. Honoriaglossop's right. I would be on my knees by now if I'd had to do all that. We've moved a few times and I've done the lion's share of packing/unpacking - it is exhausting.

Can you get a firm to help pack up?