Does your hearing impaired child struggle socially?

[MargeryDoors]

Just that really.

DS is 5 and I’ve noticed he doesn’t seem to be getting on as well socially as some of his peers. He has a moderate bilateral hearing loss and wears aids. At home with us/in smaller groups/one on one with a friend he is great, but in school with larger class sizes/big playground he seems a bit withdrawn and perhaps less able socially than his hearing peers. He tends to stick with just one friend and doesn’t seem to want to bring other children into his play. He sometimes appears shy/ignores other children completely which he doesn’t tend to do out of school unless he doesn’t hear. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he doesn’t like me asking questions and tends to shut down. I don’t think it’s the environment as such as he copes just fine in noisy busy places but add in the complexities of trying to establish friendships in those circumstances he seems to come unstuck a bit. I don’t think he’s unhappy but I just wanted to know if this is normal and if anyone could suggest ways in which I could help him please

Yeah but, with respect, nobody is talking about/describing you. When we're talking about you we'll say that you're deaf. When the OP talks about her son she can describe him as hearing impaired, if she wants to.

Nothing wrong with it.

My 7 year old has severe/profound deafness and has one CI and one HA. She finds it harder in busy environments, and is much more sociable when she's in a very small group or with one other child.

@MargeryDoors

Hi Have you come across any other parents or deaf children? I am a huge advocate for NDCS local groups a branch of the NDCS that supports children and families this includes inclusion for hearing siblings relatives and friends as well as fun social events for deaf/Deaf children and parents.

If you contact the NDCS help line to help you find on or one of their events or your audiology dept or teach of the deaf maybe able to help. Your little one will and you will meet lots of others in the same place as you and peer to peer support is so powerful and can really complement good advice from professionals. My friend is profoundly little d deaf and didn’t ever meet any Deaf children when he was young and in mainstream school and I think he would have really benefited.

@MargeryDoors

Sorry just another thought. Has the Teacher of the deaf done any work with his class on deaf awareness. If not you could ask about it. One thing I have done is to send a deaf inclusive story into school to be read. Something like Freddy the fairy or elephants big blue blanket so other children are aware of some of the challenges he faces in a fun way 👍

Hi,

I've been lurking for a year or two and I've registered as a user so I can join your conversation!

I don't have a child who fits that description but I was once a five year with two hearing aids (and a transmitter/radio aid for the classroom). I had a bi-lateral (both ears) moderate sensorineural hearing loss at that time. By the time I was ten, I had a severe/profound loss in both ears.

I have always struggled with making friends even though I'm quite a confident person generally. I'm just at such a disadvantage in a group setting. I usually see friends 1:1 and that makes socialising so much more enjoyable for me. Most of my hobbies and interests are things I do on my own and I accept that about myself.

My advice would be to look at the NDCS links a PP posted above. I agree with the others that knowing other people with hearing loss is really important. You don't need to tell your little boy that you're trying to help him make friends with other deaf children, you can just say that you want to talk to the parents of other deaf children (and he can go and play while you do that).

At 5, I remember feeling sad about not having any friends and I felt a bit ashamed. I've always had a lot of pride so I didn't talk about it or ask anyone for help. In your place, I would try to hide any concern that you've got (in case he thinks you're ashamed of him for struggling with this) but instead support him to cultivate 1:1 friendships (e.g. playdates, etc). This might mean yourself befriending other parents in the playground but you said you're sociable so hopefully that will be straightforward for you.

Something to watch is praising him when he hears or when he copes well. It can give the impression that he should aim to 'pass' as a hearing child. It can put a lot of pressure on a child to pretend to be something they're not. It's likely adults will say 'wow, you speak so well' or 'I wouldn't have known you were deaf!' (they consider this a big compliment) or 'I can't see your aids much/don't notice them'. It's subtle but the underlying message here is 'conform to the hearing norm'. Don't misunderstand me, at the time I liked being given compliments, it's only now that I'm an adult that I can see the deeper meaning in what was said (by caring, well-intentioned people).

Despite my struggles with friendship, I was a high achiever at school and being able to easily read and write really helped so focus on those skills. I have ended up in senior management in my company as an adult but it did take a long time and was really difficult to get there. Normal life absolutely drains me.

The best thing about my disability is my hearing dog so you might want to check out their website!

I'm new to being a member here but I'm very happy to answer any other questions you have - any time.

Thank you to everyone who has posted helpful messages regarding their own experiences and advice, there have been some great suggestions. I will definitely reach out to local deaf/hoh organizations for children - when DS was born we were offered the chance of an introduction to a local charity but we declined, partly because I think we were still struggling to come to terms with the realization that our tiny baby was hearing impaired and partly because we were determined that he shouldn’t be treated any differently and that he shouldn’t be defined by his disability. I can see now with the benefit of hindsight that this was perhaps short sighted of us and especially now that he is starting to pick up on the fact that he is only one in his class to wear hearing aids, it would probably be beneficial for him to have peer support in this way. I will also speak to his TotD and his teacher about the possibility of some deaf awareness lessons for his classmates - I’m just aware that they are only five and I don’t want to make a bigger deal of it than I need to, and I don’t want to make him feel singled out or embarrassed. I am trying to arrange more play dates, we have friends from pre school that we see outside of school, some of whom are now at school with him, and he socializes beautifully with them outside of the school setting, but in school it’s as if he doesn’t know them
at times. The child he mainly socializes with at school is quite a shy and sensitive (although lovely) boy and they can get silly and loud together, he doesn’t seem to want to try and establish any more relationships beyond this one - I wonder if that’s because he feels safe with this boy knowing they both perhaps have their own challenges that some of their classmates don’t?

Hello and welcome - I’m so glad you decided to join and I must say that your story and the advice you have given me have been so reassuring although of course I’m sorry to hear that you have faced struggles at times. It’s so hard knowing what to do for the best. As I said before, I’ve always been so conscious of not wanting to treat him differently or to define him in any way by his hearing loss (including by seeking out other children with hearing loss) but I’m starting to realize now that perhaps I’m not doing right by him by not giving him that opportunity. I’m not particularly concerned (yet, he is only in reception) by his academic progress, he seems to be doing well but obviously will keep an eye on how he is doing, but I do find it hard seeing him struggle socially, especially as I always had quite a few friends growing up and didn’t find it difficult to make friends. I know we are all different and as I said earlier in the thread, he could just be his own person and actually the deafness isn’t what’s making him less sociable. My husband and my MiL both prefer their own company to that of others, so there’s every chance he’s more like them and less like me. Whats more, at this stage he doesn’t seem unhappy about not having lots of good friends. I just want to make sure he isn’t missing out on developing his inter personal skills and all the benefits having friendships can bring, because of something that he cannot control.

Dd is Deaf and struggles socially. In her case it's because she can't follow group conversation, finds it difficult with background noise, lip reads a lot so can't understand what is being said when people are not speaking directly to her etc. One to one interaction is much less hearing load. Lots of Deaf/HI children get headaches and/or need quiet time as interacting can be exhausting for them. DD found it a bit easier as she got older and developed/was taught more strategies to cope. Additionally she has a large Deaf peer group and she signs. Do contact your local QTOD for signposting to appropriate events, it will be great for both you and him.

Thank you for your reply!

I don't think that any of your instincts were wrong, just that you'll refine things as you go (grief after the diagnosis, trying not to treat him differently to his peers, etc). I think sometimes it's just giving him room to be sad if there's something that is difficult for him or that he's excluded from (swimming classes were hard for me without my aids). Acknowledging that it's difficult and being there with him will help him through those times.

You know, if I could have a magic wand to cure my disability now, I'd hesitate. I like silence and I'm lucky that I can access it any time I want. I would consider it a real loss if I couldn't have that. I think it makes things peaceful and I can just breathe easier without the onslaught of sound. I literally can't imagine not being able to turn it off.

Also, I'm a very independent thinker and problem-solver as I use my brain as much as my ears to work out what's going on around me.

I think this is normal, my dd was the same.

That said I suspect she may also be autistic however deaf Camhs assessed her and said all of the issues she has (sensory processing, social issues, communication issues, black and white/rigid thinking, ocd behaviours) are all because of her deafness 🤷‍♀️

I lost all my hearing in one ear and a good portion in the other after a bad dose of measles at the age of 5. Fortunately id learned to read by then which helped and obviously this didn't cause me any speech issues . I was tried with hearing aids but they just magnified noise. Didn't help me pick out conversation at all

However I've always found it easier to socialize with one or 2 others as rely a lot on lip reading. Big groups I always felt left out as can't hear most of the conversation . When I was younger I often piped up something irrelevant as id misheard then felt a fool . So tended to keep quiet. It's hard work having to concentrate on " hearing" all the time. Thank heavens for subtitles on TV lol

So sounds like a normal coping stragety to me

I wasn't going to reply as I'm really not sure if my reply is helpful. So please feel free to ignore if not, as I don't think the cases are similar. One child I know is totally deaf in 1 ear, very outgoing and social. My dd has mild hearing loss in both ears which will likely improve with age as she grows, also had very poor speech requiring a lot of speech therapy. Again very out going with her peers. However, it did annoy her that they couldn't understand her and around the age of 5 her peers would have had very little patience to try and work out what she was saying and have said I don't understand you and continued with something else. However, this never held her back in being outgoing.

Anyway I wanted to post as there may well just be a mixture of both things going on, personality and hearing loss. I imagine if my dd still had the speech difficulties now, she would be a lot more aware and it would hold her back. It's awful, just constantly worrying as a Mum and never knowing how to make things better for our kids or if they even need made better. You sound like an amazing Mum. Has your sons teachers commented on his interaction with his peers? Have you asked your son? Maybe teachers could help facilitate smaller groups until his confidence has grown. Definitely worth a chat with them.

I’ve had a moderate to severe hearing loss since birth. I’ve never struggled socially at all. I’m inclined to think it’s down to personality: I’m not shy and while I find big group things difficult I still enjoy groups and have made loads of good friends in a one to one / group situation. So maybe it’s just the way he is 🤷‍♀️ and that’s just fine (I’ve got 1 super sociable and 1 quiet child who prefers small groups, that’s just them). I would agree that you spent judge him by your friendship standards: try to focus instead on whether he is happy with his small group of friends - he may well be!

my parents and my primary teachers were always totally matter of fact about my deafness. So I’ve never thought of it as anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I actually remember feeling quite important at primary school, which is weird.

And as for all the deaf / hearing impaired / disabled, does it really matter ? I’m in France where people in my situation are still referred to as handicapped 🤦‍♀️😂.

Or it could just be that the background noise and acoustics of the classroom and playground mean that he can't hear or follow what is going on.

I like my MIL and SIL very much, but when we're in a busy restaurant with mood music and dim lighting meaning I can't lipread to make up for the auditory drizzle and fog, I know they're making sounds, I know they're talking, but there is bugger all for me to do except smile and nod because I just can't hear them.

There is, of course, the other part of the conversation regarding why it's taking so bloody long to get an audiology appointment AND what on earth DP was thinking about booking a noisy restaurant and then sticking me furthest into the middle of the area instead of insulated from 180 degrees of the noise by having a wall at my back, but my point is that I can hear and interact fine when I'm not in those situations, just like my quiet, private office at work is possible to work in where the original shared office with constant noise had become impossible to function in or tolerate.