A fruit tree and soup

[Loopyloo24]

Years ago we went to a garden centre to look at potential plants to put in the garden. We weren’t planning to buy anything because the house hadnt yet been built and the garden was a construction site. My husband decided he wanted to buy a plum tree and he wanted it there and then. I questioned the point - we didnt have anywhere to plant it yet - and he went off in a huff, equating my logical apporoach to me not caring about what he wants. His point was he doesnt ask for much so when he does I should go with it.

Years later this is still thrown back at me as a sign of me not caring about his feelings.

Yesterday he asked why i hadn’t made a soup he’d asked for a couple of weeks ago. the soup uses lots of ingredients we have to specially (& expensively) order- we’re not in the UK. He’d been looking at videos with our son seen the soup and sent me a photo of the credit card to buy the ingredients. I’d taken it as a joke because we were/are literally living on credit cards and the card he sent a photo of was the last available credit. In my head he was saying at some point can we make the soup - at some point when we actually have cash to buy the ingredients i would have made the soup.

He’s saying the soup and the fruit tree are examples of how i don’t actually listen or show him attention - see also not bringing him bowls of fruit when he’s working at home.

Am I actually being uncaring and unthoughtful or is he hyper-sensitive?

See i don't know. Its not a new thing (so unrelated to money stresses) but its always about things i think are unimportant - like soup.
yes..well i try but it feels like he needs me to show “love” in a way that’s just weird to me..like bowls of fruit. And i do when i remember but i just dont think to do it..and thats his point..if i cared about him i would remember to do it.

apart from these silly little grudges/irritations we have a great relationship but so tired with this aspect of it

Someone who holds onto petty grudges is not someone I'd want to remain married to tbh.

Does he do lots of thoughtful things for you?

Is he from a culture where women are expected to put men first and treat them as if they are more important?

I think I may just have laughed at this behaviour it is so childish and silly. Can he laugh at himself, because I really couldn't take this seriously.

Why can't he get his own bloody bowl of fruit, does he expect you to wait on him?

He's just asking for you to show him love.

Kind of seems to me he's been quite clear in communicating his needs - he's told you it's not about the tree/soup/fruit but about the showing of care.

Despite his explanation you continue to say these little things don't matter, so it's probably festering a bit for him.

Crucially though, does he carry out acts of love for you? If you think he doesn't, have you ever asked him if he does to make sure you would recognize it as you don't seem to 'get' it.

No one has ever thought to bring me a plum tree or a bowl of fruit or what I’d really like, some butterscotch Angel delight and a duck billed platypus. I’m so neglected 😢

Bless, won't someone think of his feelings 🙄

Is he six?
He’s pathetic.
Start cataloguing the things you’d like that he doesn’t provide.
Frankly he sounds utterly childish.
How do you stand it?
I fear, in the fullness of time, your relationship is doomed.

Why stop at a bowl of fruit, why aren't you fanning him with a palm leaf while feeding him peeled grapes? Shame on you OP!

Just say yes ok you get his point, then forget about it, when he says it again, rinse and repeat. Eventually he will stop or move on to his next grumble, which you will deal with in the same way. The years will pass. Then one day he will be v old with a long grey beard and not remember his own name….

Tell us about the expensive soup.

he needs me to show “love” in a way that’s just weird to me..like bowls of fruit. And i do when i remember but i just dont think to do it..and thats his point..if i cared about him i would remember to do it.

But what does he do for you?

Why can't he make the soup himself? As for you not bringing him fruit whilst he works, are you his slave? He needs to learn a bit of self sufficiency.

Whilst dressed like Carmen Miranda and shaking your starfruit...🍇
I'd go gallumphing in with a klaxon and megaphone and squeaky trolley to announce the fruit delivery.
Or maybe drive a fruit filled ice cream van right up to the window and you can take his order at a regular time every day🎤🔊📢🚐

Your post reminded me of the idea of love languages - that people express love in different ways and appreciate different ways of others expressing love to them. A quick Google shows the following: 'We all give and receive love in 5 different ways: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch' Maybe your husband feels love is expressed in acts of service (does he do anything for you like bring you cups of tea or give you foot rubs). Yours might be words of affirmation so you thank him a lot and tell him he's great. The point being that if your love languages are different then you might not appreciate what the other one is doing when they for example bring you a cup of tea when you really appreciate words of affirmation. Just a thought.

This is absolutely bizarre and pathetic.

Why doesn't he buy a poxy fruit tree now with one of his many maxed credit cards, then he can use the fruit to make a really exotic soup. Lol.

Can he not understand the concept of money?

He seems to be obsessed with fruit if he requires multiple bowls of it throughout the working day, yet he's too 'physically disabled' (unwilling more like) to either buy it or fetch it from the kitchen?

Lawd I would either laugh or fucking cry with that one. What a mug.

Did his mum mother him by bringing him bowls of fruit? That was my take on it - may be wrong - we can all, perhaps be guilty of thinking our partners should act like our parents did.

Who does he think he is? Caligula?

He's just Nigel what works in Finance, not a living God who must be presented with libations and offerings by his vestal not-exactly-a-virgin-wife every Tuesday afternoon (henceforth to be know as Nigelsdayetide) and a sacred Plum tree grove to be planted in his honour.

Twat.

God I felt exhausted just reading your OP, can't believe you have to live with this. Life is too bloody short for soup and tree grudges. He needs to get out more, seriously.

Point out to him all the things you do do that show you care, obviously.

What a child! This is literally the sort of thing my eldest used to do at the age of 4 or so.

"Mummy you said we could get the toy in that shop but we never diiiiiiiiid."

"Mummy why don't you ever bring me snaaaaaacks"

Annoying enough in a small child. How unattractive in a grown man!